I am not too inclined to believe that the tyrosine+tryptophan combo I'm taking for my serotonin/norepinephrine boost to try to get me out of this low depressed mood and state of apathetic lethargy is doing any good. I went to bed last night at ten pm in a bad mood, and forced myself out of bed at 8 am this morning when the alarm went off, only to find myself in the same bad mood I was in when I went to bed ten hours prior. I'm very irritable, and I'm told that the tyrosine might be a factor in that... although I am often irritable, so it's hard to say.
Also, my lower back pain is bothering me more today, so maybe that is also a result of the tyrosine. HOW CAN I REALLY SAY WITH ANY CERTAINTY THAT THE EMOTIONAL AND/OR PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS I AM EXPERIENCING (GOOD OR BAD) ARE DEFINITELY ATTRIBUTABLE TO THE SUPPLEMENTS OR MEDS I'M TAKING? Since every day is different, some days are better than others, even when I am not taking anything. Without some dramatically apparent shift in how I feel that corresponds immediately with the intake of a given remedy, it is basically impossible to say. That's what the author of the book THE MOOD CURE claimed the reader could expect to experience when following her advice. "You'll feel dramatically different and better in MINUTES" (not her exact words but the same thing in effect). Well, it's not working for me, that's all I can fuckin' say...
I saw an ad on Craigslist this morning and they are looking for help at the neighborhood cheese shop again. I actually applied there years ago, and the manager expressed interest in hiring me, and I STUPIDLY turned the offer down, thinking (stupidly) that I would get a job at Rainbow Grocery (where they would not hire me if I was the last living human on earth, apparently). And since I turned that job down, I've worked shitty jobs selling hot dogs in the ball park, doing telephone surveys, and that last job I had (and loved) at the cat hotel which I lost after only eight months. Shit, I would go work at this cheese shop in a heartbeat if they wanted me again. So, I did what the ad said, I went down there and turned in my resume. I wonder if the same woman who was manager is still working there, or if the owner (a guy) would remember me. Well, maybe I'll get lucky.
It is a BEAUTIFUL DAY outside today, and I am feeling so full of self-loathing, and so cranky. My therapy appointment (once every two weeks is all I get now) is at 1:00 pm today. So I'll try to make productive use of it.
I managed to make a little start of mastering the CD I need to get done. Yesterday I imported the tracks into my DAW and listened to them. It really won't be so very hard to do this task, if I could only get down and do it. Last night I got depressed and disgusted with myself and just went to bed early.
And I am lately wondering: Would I feel any better if I were a woman, if I were to start taking the hormones and start 'transitioning'? Or would I be the same old miserable wretch that I seem to be as a guy. What a loser I am: can't get a job, can't get a girlfriend, fifty years old and just SHIT OUTTA LUCK, basically. I'm just so tired of it all...
Also, my lower back pain is bothering me more today, so maybe that is also a result of the tyrosine. HOW CAN I REALLY SAY WITH ANY CERTAINTY THAT THE EMOTIONAL AND/OR PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS I AM EXPERIENCING (GOOD OR BAD) ARE DEFINITELY ATTRIBUTABLE TO THE SUPPLEMENTS OR MEDS I'M TAKING? Since every day is different, some days are better than others, even when I am not taking anything. Without some dramatically apparent shift in how I feel that corresponds immediately with the intake of a given remedy, it is basically impossible to say. That's what the author of the book THE MOOD CURE claimed the reader could expect to experience when following her advice. "You'll feel dramatically different and better in MINUTES" (not her exact words but the same thing in effect). Well, it's not working for me, that's all I can fuckin' say...
I saw an ad on Craigslist this morning and they are looking for help at the neighborhood cheese shop again. I actually applied there years ago, and the manager expressed interest in hiring me, and I STUPIDLY turned the offer down, thinking (stupidly) that I would get a job at Rainbow Grocery (where they would not hire me if I was the last living human on earth, apparently). And since I turned that job down, I've worked shitty jobs selling hot dogs in the ball park, doing telephone surveys, and that last job I had (and loved) at the cat hotel which I lost after only eight months. Shit, I would go work at this cheese shop in a heartbeat if they wanted me again. So, I did what the ad said, I went down there and turned in my resume. I wonder if the same woman who was manager is still working there, or if the owner (a guy) would remember me. Well, maybe I'll get lucky.
It is a BEAUTIFUL DAY outside today, and I am feeling so full of self-loathing, and so cranky. My therapy appointment (once every two weeks is all I get now) is at 1:00 pm today. So I'll try to make productive use of it.
I managed to make a little start of mastering the CD I need to get done. Yesterday I imported the tracks into my DAW and listened to them. It really won't be so very hard to do this task, if I could only get down and do it. Last night I got depressed and disgusted with myself and just went to bed early.
And I am lately wondering: Would I feel any better if I were a woman, if I were to start taking the hormones and start 'transitioning'? Or would I be the same old miserable wretch that I seem to be as a guy. What a loser I am: can't get a job, can't get a girlfriend, fifty years old and just SHIT OUTTA LUCK, basically. I'm just so tired of it all...
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
If it's the former, I hope you find some combination that works for you, and some peace for your soul.
Just a note from an outside perspective though, hopefully somewhat of an objective view: comments like "What a loser I am" and "just so tired of it all" so perfectly typify depression, and the self-doubt and self-loathing it tries to impose on a person. It shows, not just to you... and I wish you only happiness and light as you find your way out of that darkness. It's a tough road, a challenging climb, but you're not traveling alone -- don't fall into the trap of artificially isolating yourself!
Take care, and be well!