lilandra

okay, so i was all ready to give up on my life but fuck it, its the only one i have so time to try to make the best of it.

Recently i have had some pretty shit things happen, going to I've a bit of a run down of them, and how I'm going to deal with them.

This is more for my benefit and to help me get my head clear, so please feel free to skip it if it bores you. xxx

Going back a bit to April first.

Our home was repossessed by the mortgage company!

well i have been to hell and back about this feeling everything from devastation to relief, I'm sure there are things we could have done differently, but i think tbh, we were just one of the early casualties of the credit crisis, the mortgage company were unwilling to discuss with us a payment agreement we could afford, and took us to court, so bye bye house

But from now i need to stop fretting over the past and move on, its done its gone and we are still here so time to stop beating myself up about this!!!

Moved to Harlow!

Well another mistake on our part, we decided to move, for my husband to go back to work for his old company as the money was better and the hours easier to work with, we moved into a house there with a friend and Marc had already applied to his old company and had good feedback, he was told he would get a call in the next few weeks about an interview, well he worked his last month of his notice in his old job, and got a part time job t the cinema to tide us over.
Unfortunately he got a call to say that all advertised jobs were on hold due to the company making 5000 redundancies across its sites.
This left us in a bad position as the hours at the cinema and the money we were bringing home from my job weren't enough to cover our costs.

An amazing friend helped us cover our rent for a month but it just wasn't enough in the end for us to stay there, and our landlord decided they needed the property back anyway as they were getting divorced and needed the second home back

so in September we moved out of there to my sisters house.

Now again this really got to me but I can get over it now as Joshua my step son is doing so much better being in school in Huntingdon again and he is happy so thats what is important.

HOMELESS!!!

My sisters house could only be a temporary stop as her son is ill and its stressful enough without us adding to it, so on the 26th of September we became homeless and were moved into B&B accommodation, now having been through this i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
We currently owe the council 1040 in rent for 3 weeks of B&B, we stupidly it seems thought it would be better if we found work to pay our bills, but no the government strikes again, if we had not been working and claiming benefits we would be in a better position as we would have had housing benefit, nice isn't it.

Hostel (read hell please)

After this we have been move into a hostel, and its horrid, we share a bathroom, and me, Marc and Joshua are having to share a room, not good for josh and I'm not sleeping well at all
but it is cheaper than the B&B.

But were now bidding on houses, and i don't feel like I'm taking anything away from people, I have been paying my taxes since I started working and i didn't deliberately get pregnant at 16 to get my own council house, at the moment we need help and damn it for a change i asked for it, i plan to be working full time again asap and were going to be paying our rent our selves not asking for housing benefit, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

But yesterday was a very bad day for me, we can see where we ranked on the list by looking at the home-link website and yesterday we were ranked 1-5 on a house we had placed a bid on, but it was given to someone who was a lower priority than us , the lady at the council thinks this is because we owe money for our B&B rent so great were fucked and stuck in the hostel till we can pay it back!

But I'm trying to stay calm, my depression is trying to get the better of me again but i don't want to let it, so let it go and try to be positive!

and last but not least!

Health!

Recently the pain in my hands became severe and I'm struggling with it, cant even hold a book up to read have to find somewhere to rest it
I we to see the GP about it again and after long discussions about other pains in my knees and feet sh decided to check me for inflammation in my joints to rule out rheumatoid arthritis, so I went for the blood tests and it showed that I'm clear of inflammation, but she thinks it may still be the beginning of arthritis so I have been referred to the hospital.

My thyroid also got checked again, as my goiter has been coming up again, and I'm so annoyed that once again, my results are raised but not enough for them to bother looking deeper, arggghhhh, bloody doctors

But a lot of my problems come from my weight and its getting me down badly right now, having someone scream, omg she's a whale out of their car window at me yesterday was the breaking point for me, i cried for 3 hours, and people like that never usually get to me, but it just hit me how unhappy i am with myself, so after talking with the doctor again about it, she wants me to go on the Orlistat trial but i have to loose 5lbs by myself in a month first, it doesn't sound allot but one of my biggest problems it I find it so hard to loose weight even when i am rigid bout it, but we will see how it goes, if the orlistat doesn't work then I get referred to a obesity clinic, thats good for my self image NOT!!!!!

So from all of that, I know I have to be more positive and stop letting it get to me, but its hard.


But i have hidden from my life for too long, I miss being on here and talking to friends, so i am going to make more of an effort to get on with things.

A new blog will be here soon, m going to try to take some pictures with my crappy point and click digital camera, photography makes me so happy and I hate not having a decent camera but i will get there in the end. xxxx

love you all. xxxxxxx

And please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes I am dyslexic, but I'm also lazy