lilamay

sorry it's been a while. i've had limited access to the interweb. things have been messy for me lately. i've had some problems with my father that are far to private to get into here. i've been trying to get a job, which has been unsuccessful. and there is no more boyfriend. shocker huh? considering the past entries i've posted about him. i still love him to death. my feelings haven't changed. i'm not even sure what happened. he came back, things were incredible...for about 3 days. then he seemed to have a problem with everything i did. he wasn't happy with me. he was mean. i'm not trying to dog him right now or anything. i'm not like that. you ask him, he'll tell you the same. he just couldn't help being a dick to me. and i was tired of being put down and feeling like dirt. so i ended it. not because i don't love him. i wish we could work. i wish he'd grow up. so we decided to be friends. afterall, before we ever started dating we were friends for years. but that hasn't been working either. he's still mean to me. it hurts. it hurts that someone i love so deeply and purely could be like this to me. and it hurts that we ended. and it hurts that we can't even be friends. i've lost my love and my best friend. he says he wants to stay friends. but i told him he needs to treat me better if that's the case. we'll see if he can. because if he can't, then it's his loss. i don't think he knows how good he had it.
i think he's scared of his feelings for me. he's told me he's confused about what he wants. but it just seems like everytime something comes up where there's emotions being shown, he turns into an asshole and pretends emotions don't exist. and he runs away from his problems. when he got back from europe he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and have babies with me someday(which was something he always said he didn't want). so obviously i mustn't be that bad of a girl. and i'm the same girl now as i was when he said that to me. so it was something in him that changed. and i think it was the fact that he wanted something he had for so long said he was against; kids. i think that scared the shit out of him. i wish i had better answers. i wish we could work. and i wish he'd just grow up, not just for my sake, but for his too.