lil_em

So it's been a few days now since my Nanny passed away. It's an extremely weird time for us all. When I say us all I mean mainly myself, my Mum and my sister. We have gotten really close since Saturday and it's exactly the opposite of what I always imagined it to be

It's good though and I'm enjoying having my family around me, particularly at a time like this.

I'm hoping to hear from my Mum this afternoon confirming the date and time of the funeral. I'm really dreading that, like really really dreading it. I remember waiting at Nanny's when my Grandad died 18 years ago, for his hearse to arrive and just feeling so sick and nervous. Even typing this now brings that awful feeling back, it's horrible

When my Grandad died too I dreamt about him a lot, and since Nanny died, I've not been able to sleep because I'm really scared I'm going to dream that she's here again like I did with him. It's just so upsetting

So, I've been going to bed every night at about 8.30pm and I've been trying to sleep; some nights are better than others. Last night I dreamt about Nanny but it wasn't in a way that upset me so hopefully as the days go on, it won't scare me so much to sleep.

We've picked out our flowers which are absolutely beautiful. We're having Nanny in bright purple and white flowers down one side of the coffin like this:



and Mum is having Mum in white chrysanthemums and pink freesia's in the corner as Nanny's wedding flowers had freesia's. It'll look like this:



So now I also need to make some decisions about where I want to move to. Nanny was the main reason I wanted to live in Fair Oak but now she's gone, although I know the area well, I don't really have any ties to that area and feel like if I move there now, it'll just be a constant reminder that my Nanny isn't there any more

I've also gained another few pounds in weight which is pissing me off, but I'm kinda giving myself a bit of a break at the moment, bearing in mind I'm in mourning.

I'm just really conscious that I don't wanna slip into the depression trap again, particularly when I've got my medical in just a couple of weeks, eep!