I hate how even though I've been trying really hard to be happy and keep myself from being just and angry and upset, I have those down days where I just say fuck off and fuck this and fuck that to everything. I've spent too much time like that I don't want to be that person any more. I think I've done pretty well considering I'm not taking my medication and I think I've made progress in trying to make myself better.... I'm trying so hard not to use "But", "It's just" etc but it's not easy to put aside the excuses when it's all you have ever known and been able to use.
I know that when I act like how I have before, people don't want to be around me, it hard to change completely and never be like that because it was all I knew until recently.
I miss people that aren't interested in me any more, I miss those that just cut me off for no reason and just stopped replying to messages, texts and calls. I actually miss those that never really made any fucking effort in the first place, fuck knows why I do, probably because they were all I fucking had and I miss them being around (not going to use the words "be there for me" because they haven't ever really been there)
There has been so much death around me and my family recently that it can't help but make me think about things like my Dad dying because he still smokes, Charlotte because she fucking smokes still after over 3 years of promises to give up, Charlotte's parents because they are getting older, mine because they are getting older. Charlotte's Gran because she hasn't been well at all and is really getting on now. With my Nan dying, Charlotte's uncle and in the last week and a half our friend Bobby's boss had her friend (in her 20's) die somehow and another work friend's Dad died out of the blue, it just scares me so so fucking much. I've got such a morbid fear of death that I feel like I have to physically shake the thought / feeling out of me because it scares me so much.
Typically, this blog is very random and constructed really badly. I'm just crashing after being pretty good with being up, even in the face of shit times and downers.
It's all a wish game, because all I want to do is be happy and I feel like I fighting a loosing battle.
I know that when I act like how I have before, people don't want to be around me, it hard to change completely and never be like that because it was all I knew until recently.
I miss people that aren't interested in me any more, I miss those that just cut me off for no reason and just stopped replying to messages, texts and calls. I actually miss those that never really made any fucking effort in the first place, fuck knows why I do, probably because they were all I fucking had and I miss them being around (not going to use the words "be there for me" because they haven't ever really been there)
There has been so much death around me and my family recently that it can't help but make me think about things like my Dad dying because he still smokes, Charlotte because she fucking smokes still after over 3 years of promises to give up, Charlotte's parents because they are getting older, mine because they are getting older. Charlotte's Gran because she hasn't been well at all and is really getting on now. With my Nan dying, Charlotte's uncle and in the last week and a half our friend Bobby's boss had her friend (in her 20's) die somehow and another work friend's Dad died out of the blue, it just scares me so so fucking much. I've got such a morbid fear of death that I feel like I have to physically shake the thought / feeling out of me because it scares me so much.
Typically, this blog is very random and constructed really badly. I'm just crashing after being pretty good with being up, even in the face of shit times and downers.
It's all a wish game, because all I want to do is be happy and I feel like I fighting a loosing battle.
finella:
Tattoo convention AND a trip to scotty land? Well.. those are definately reasons to be smiling. Where about in Scotland are you visiting?