Update
Several of you are sooo close to getting the quiz right. The mighty Merv is only 2 questions off So dear kiddies, that
version of the Passion of the Christ is still up for grabs. 
The little Jesus freak girl was up to it again. She invited me over to her place tonight. Said we would have some wine, relax. At first Im thinking, ok this is cool, she knows Im not into this but maybe we can still have some fun.
But no, turns out she having some of her new friends over for bible study. Needless to say I wont be attending. Im not even sure what church it is she has got hook up with. Maybe its just that finding God has been an eye opening experience for her and she want everyone to feel what its like. Or maybe she has joined some wired ass cult, I dont know. She said she would pray for me. I should have told her not to drink the kool-aid if someone offers it to her.
Ive prepared a little pop quiz my pretties of my time spent in Christian schools. Grab your #2 pencil and chuck it in the trash. Feet flat on the floor, and no looking on your neighbors monitor for help. For if you cheat, God will know and you will go to hell. Lets begin.
1. True or false
Ive had sex in a church.
2. Which of the following things did I not do to my most hated teachers aid who made my life a living hell with her holier-than-thou attitude?
a.Slash her tires on a regular basis.
b.Engage in sexual activates with both her virgin daughters. (Not at the same time)
c.Stold her license plate.
d.Urinate on the drivers seat of her car.
3. Which of these incidences really happened to me while in one Christian school or another.
a.I was blackmail by a southern Baptist minister/principal, who force me to show him respect in front of the student body because he thought I was undermining his ministry.
b.Had a pastor call me a fucking shitbag who was going to burn in hell.
c.In a room with 50 or more people in it, I along with one other student didnt go up and get faith healed, and then fell on the floor and start speaking in tongues like eveyone else.
d.I was in a room full of small children when the pastor/principal told them that is no Santa Claws. And that the image of Santa represented Satan. The end result, a room full of crying children.
In the early days of AIDS, right when it was just starting to breakout in the gay communities really bad, I attended a chapel service where we were preached the following. We were the children of the Lord and need not fear AIDS. AIDS was Gods wrath upon the Sodamites. Only the fags, queers, fruits and homos got AIDS. This was later expanded to include some black people.
e.All of the above.
4. Which of these is a fake rule.
a.Boys and girls must always be at least 6 inches apart, so as not to be tempted by the sins of the flesh.
b.The only acceptable color for under-attire is white. (Underwear for the boys and bra and panties for the girls)
c.Anyone caught with there eyes open during prayer will get 3 swats. (Corporal punishment)
d.Chewing gum during chapel will result in automatic detention.
5. Whats the most common event that happens when a group of kids from one Christian school get together with a group of kids from another Christian school?
a.Gang fight. Singing, dancing, finger snapping, think West Side Story.
b.Worshiping the Lord
c..Paring up and making out.
d.Roller-skating
6. True or false.
In 1984 when Jessie Jackson was running for president, one of my teachers told me it was too bad James Earl Ray didnt have another bullet.
7. What happened to the 14-year-old daughter of a teacher when she got pregnant?
a.She got support from the church/school.
b.She was thrown out of school.
c.She was told that under no circumstances was she to contact any of the students from the school.
d.Both B & C
So what does the winner get? How about an illegal copy of The Passion of the Christ? You may be thinking, but Jack, why would I even want a illegal copy of the Passion of the Christ?
For me its really a mater of principle. Thou shalt steal.
Oh, and many thanks for the all the suggestions on how get rid of a body.
Several of you are sooo close to getting the quiz right. The mighty Merv is only 2 questions off So dear kiddies, that
version of the Passion of the Christ is still up for grabs.
The little Jesus freak girl was up to it again. She invited me over to her place tonight. Said we would have some wine, relax. At first Im thinking, ok this is cool, she knows Im not into this but maybe we can still have some fun.
But no, turns out she having some of her new friends over for bible study. Needless to say I wont be attending. Im not even sure what church it is she has got hook up with. Maybe its just that finding God has been an eye opening experience for her and she want everyone to feel what its like. Or maybe she has joined some wired ass cult, I dont know. She said she would pray for me. I should have told her not to drink the kool-aid if someone offers it to her.
Ive prepared a little pop quiz my pretties of my time spent in Christian schools. Grab your #2 pencil and chuck it in the trash. Feet flat on the floor, and no looking on your neighbors monitor for help. For if you cheat, God will know and you will go to hell. Lets begin.
1. True or false
Ive had sex in a church.
2. Which of the following things did I not do to my most hated teachers aid who made my life a living hell with her holier-than-thou attitude?
a.Slash her tires on a regular basis.
b.Engage in sexual activates with both her virgin daughters. (Not at the same time)
c.Stold her license plate.
d.Urinate on the drivers seat of her car.
3. Which of these incidences really happened to me while in one Christian school or another.
a.I was blackmail by a southern Baptist minister/principal, who force me to show him respect in front of the student body because he thought I was undermining his ministry.
b.Had a pastor call me a fucking shitbag who was going to burn in hell.
c.In a room with 50 or more people in it, I along with one other student didnt go up and get faith healed, and then fell on the floor and start speaking in tongues like eveyone else.
d.I was in a room full of small children when the pastor/principal told them that is no Santa Claws. And that the image of Santa represented Satan. The end result, a room full of crying children.
In the early days of AIDS, right when it was just starting to breakout in the gay communities really bad, I attended a chapel service where we were preached the following. We were the children of the Lord and need not fear AIDS. AIDS was Gods wrath upon the Sodamites. Only the fags, queers, fruits and homos got AIDS. This was later expanded to include some black people.
e.All of the above.
4. Which of these is a fake rule.
a.Boys and girls must always be at least 6 inches apart, so as not to be tempted by the sins of the flesh.
b.The only acceptable color for under-attire is white. (Underwear for the boys and bra and panties for the girls)
c.Anyone caught with there eyes open during prayer will get 3 swats. (Corporal punishment)
d.Chewing gum during chapel will result in automatic detention.
5. Whats the most common event that happens when a group of kids from one Christian school get together with a group of kids from another Christian school?
a.Gang fight. Singing, dancing, finger snapping, think West Side Story.
b.Worshiping the Lord
c..Paring up and making out.
d.Roller-skating
6. True or false.
In 1984 when Jessie Jackson was running for president, one of my teachers told me it was too bad James Earl Ray didnt have another bullet.
7. What happened to the 14-year-old daughter of a teacher when she got pregnant?
a.She got support from the church/school.
b.She was thrown out of school.
c.She was told that under no circumstances was she to contact any of the students from the school.
d.Both B & C
So what does the winner get? How about an illegal copy of The Passion of the Christ? You may be thinking, but Jack, why would I even want a illegal copy of the Passion of the Christ?
For me its really a mater of principle. Thou shalt steal.
Oh, and many thanks for the all the suggestions on how get rid of a body.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
2. a.Slash her tires on a regular basis.
3. e.All of the above.
4. b.The only acceptable color for under-attire is white. (Underwear for the boys and bra and panties for the girls) I know how they might be able to check the boys but how would they check the girls.
5. c..Paring up and making out. Thats what I would do.
6. True
7. d.Both B & C Bible Thumping Christians can be so accepting.