lidiot

This... is hard. Not difficult from pain or trauma. Far from it. But what I feel, have been feeling for a little while now, is just, well, all over the map, so to speak. I barely understand myself. To share in a way that is useful, interesting, even remotely intelligible?... Right now, it may be beyond my grasp on words. In addition, coincidence allowed Shakespeare to remind me that if a happiness can be put into words, then it is not happy enough. So, I will speak, but I will not be able to voice it all.

Big intro, huh?

I'll begin with circles.

Of late, I see circles everywhere. From the spirals of Aikido that I thought I'd forgotten, to Shel Silverstein's "The Big 'O'", to all of our own Big 'O's, if you catch my meaning, to the turn of a key in a lock, to black holes, to cherries (like that one that Gary Oldman choked on in The Fifth Element), to those little disc magnets...

Maybe mostly to those little disc magnets.

Roll them around on a desk. A big, clean, redwood desk. A desk that would make a Bilderberger blush from the decadance, but yet still has two opposite legs shorter than the others so that it can rock back and forth easily. Take the magnets from the pack, separate them and turn them loose. Can you see it? Tap the desk, shift its tilt, keep them moving.

Chaos rules.

And yet, while some tip and fall over and others roll right off into the void, still others seem to notice that they are not alone. I have to yet again defer to the beautiful mind of my Sister Superior on the physics of it, but I can see, I can know that those magnets change their paths, just slightly, because they are pulled to each other. They may even spin in a split second to align poles. But they keep rolling.

They slow and waver, but if a god bounces the desk they jumpstart again, with more falling by the carpetted wayside or simply... lying down.

At some point, the circles tighten. Rolling and spiralling into each other at what might be a leisurely pace until they are just as much the rhythm of each other as that see-sawing desk is. The distance can be so small. It's pull can be strong enough that it cannot be ignored, and yet, still fought. But, finally, the Event Horizon is reached. The connection between the two is the strength of both combined and WHAM! They fly together. Snap. Clack...

Click.

If there is nothing between the two, well, movement stops. Usually, I suppose. Sure, chance may allow them to join at the hip and just roll around together. Twice as wide then, they are more stable, more able to fight off gravity, but there are few choices then. Forward and back. Turns require substantial jarring and jarring that strong is dangerous to court.

But, maybe, every now and then, two magnets connect and keep something between them. A post-it note, a sheet of music, a to-do list, that just happened to slip between at that last second.

The rolling stops, but wherever one goes, the other will be a half-step behind, leapfrogging each other, with this thing, that I'll call 'Things to Do This Life', nestled between them.

I was taught beautifully that the harder the magnet, the more likely the 'to-do list' would be crushed, obliterated. Softer ones might absorb the paper, if pushed far enough, of course.

Here, I begin to falter. I'm getting lost in the metaphor. But it's all in there. Somewhere. I'm pretty sure that words like "crush" and "obliterate" are not wholly comfortable on a Path of Love. "Absorb" is a little more confusing. I don't have the words for those words. (Hooray pretension!)

All of the other circles are present within. I can see the cherries and the locks and the black holes. But, I won't presume to force them on you.

Tonight, I will fall asleep, thinking about kissing. It may not be apparent how that applies to all of this magnet stuff, but to me it makes perfect sense. I will drift away feeling the power of the nearing kiss; the pull of it. The closer two mouths get, the harder to force them apart it is. Closer and closer, spirals tightening, until it can be imagined that they are separated by only an atom's width.

The Event Horizon.

In the words of St. Wilder:

"The suspense is terrible... I hope it will last."

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i love you all.

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Addendum...

here i can speak more freely. the above is from my myspace blog, in which i have to be a little more discreet.

let me first say that i have been gone because of virtually no net access. for no other reason. i love love LOVE this community and the friends i have made here. i am visiting my folks for a while and they have dsl sooooo...

i left tennessee without meeting ms. bumblebee, which saddened me greatly. ah, well. but it was a beautiful run and i was blessed with standing room only audiences for two out of three shows a day. i was apparently the plague house, as my roommates were ill as hell and by the grace of some god i was kept free of the chest-funk.

st. louis.

in short: i... fell... in... love.

now, that is not more than it is. i am in love with the world and i believe that being in love is the natural state of being, but even i didn't see this coming. where will it go? i will try to be buddha and make no assumptions.

she drew first blood. she flirted first. but she was counting on me not having a crush on her... at least partially because she is gay.

i have one lover already who sleeps only with women, except for me. and i have had no less than four lovers in the past in which i was the only male they were with. lovely. strange... but here we are, me the puppeteer and her, the soprano. we danced and we kissed (which we put off till it was unbearable and then we did it a little bit longer) and we will, most likely, make love soon. it is her that i speak of, above, when i talk of magnets.

i brushed her hair.

i brushed her hair and then she fell asleep in my lap. i dreamed good things with her near me. my dream self felt her absence when she left to go into her own room just before dawn.

we have no idea where this will lead. i am not a woman and can not, at this stage in her life at least, be her primary partner. but i can be a piece of her life. and as much as i feel a great passion, and let me be clear and blunt: i get harder and quicker and more often at thoughts of her than i have felt in years (and i have been blessed with the most amazing lovers)... i know that the foundation of the love of two people, friends, humans, is more important than any desire we may feel. if she called tomorrow and told me she met the most fabulous woman and they were getting married, i would be there, in the front row, with no sadness and all bliss.

i take note.

i'm glad that i felt the pull to get off the freeway and run to her as i left st. louis. and i am equally glad that i had the wisdom to not.

love is everywhere and amazing.

this is love.