After yesterday's release of that flood of emotion, I feel at little like the Emperor in his new clothes, naked and a little embarrassed. In fact, I returned to delete the blog after I had written it, but I was too late. However, I am so grateful for the caring and constructive comments that I received. Thank you.
So. How to cheer myself up and get through the day? Well, there were a couple of things that came in handy. First was dressing to kill before going out in the city centre. I didn't spend two years in London's gay community without learning the power of good clothing. So a liberal dose of Nicole Farhi, Ermenegildo Zegna and my trusty pair of Grensons, plus a liberal dose of Chanel Antaeus, and I feel good, albeit in a very shallow way!
However, when life is kicking you it seems to find new and interesting opportunities to put the additional boot in. Over lunch, I was complaining about the pain in my left eye (the day before I had been playing with Merlin and he had head-butted me right on my left eyebrow. What are dog's skulls made of, for God's sake? Depleted uranium?). So my wife said "Let me look and see if it's swollen. Stop frowning."
I stop frowning
Pause.
"I said stop frowning"
"I have stopped frowning"
"Oh"
See what I mean? Then a man eagerly pressed a leaflet into my hand. It said 'Do you suffer from any of the following?' and followed it up with a long list of ailments, from back pain to depression. And then offered to say a prayer for your health if you contacted them. My wife said "He really made a beeline for you, didn't he?" So the effects of power dressing only go so deep, it seems.
The next one, slightly more effective, was to make a list of seven things I can do, and here it is...
1. I can do a headstand.
2. I can cook a good risotto.
3. I can balance 13 4" nails on the head of another 4" nail.
4. I can iron a shirt perfectly.
5. I can calculate levels of statistical significance.
6. I can recite a poem.
7. I can dig a trench to prevent the spread of a moorland fire.
Yes, it's not that great, but that's not the point. It's a sort of mental starting point to trigger other positive thoughts about yourself. Don't ask me if this is some amazing psychological technique. I wouldn't know. I just made it up. The point is to look at it and think "Well, yes, my risotto is good, but my chocolate mousse is an orgasm in the mouth". It acts as a sort of foundation.
No.7 is weak, for instance. Anyone with hands and a spade can dig a trench; it's only the context that makes it interesting. Maybe I'd replace that with being able to build a bridge. I know stats is boring, but again it's something I can do (they have to be objective - that way there's no doubt). And you can keep building and replacing your seven items until you actually realise you can do a lot of good, useful things.
The balancing of the nails? This is a puzzle I use in team building exercises when running training courses. You can try this if you like; it's quite challenging! Get 14 4" nails, and drive one into a small block of wood, so it stands vertically. Now you have to find a way to balance the other 13 nails on top of it. I have had people storm out in anger when faced with this puzzle! But it can be done, and it's a very neat solution. If anyone is interested, I will post the solution.
Does any of this help? Well, it does, sort of. It generates memories, as you put the different items in context. It makes you build an objective picture of your own self-worth, and it makes you realise that, despite the way you feel, you are valuable. It doesn't remove pain, but it puts it in some sort of context.
The poem? John Donne's The Bait. I learned it because I loved it, and I once recited it at a friend's wedding. If I was going to add one more thing to my list, it would be that I do a blinding speech!
COME live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines and silver hooks.
There will the river whisp'ring run
Warm'd by thy eyes, more than the sun ;
And there th' enamour'd fish will stay,
Begging themselves they may betray.
When thou wilt swim in that live bath,
Each fish, which every channel hath,
Will amorously to thee swim,
Gladder to catch thee, than thou him.
If thou, to be so seen, be'st loth,
By sun or moon, thou dark'nest both,
And if myself have leave to see,
I need not their light, having thee.
Let others freeze with angling reeds,
And cut their legs with shells and weeds,
Or treacherously poor fish beset,
With strangling snare, or windowy net.
Let coarse bold hands from slimy nest
The bedded fish in banks out-wrest ;
Or curious traitors, sleeve-silk flies,
Bewitch poor fishes' wand'ring eyes.
For thee, thou need'st no such deceit,
For thou thyself art thine own bait :
That fish, that is not catch'd thereby,
Alas ! is wiser far than I.
So. How to cheer myself up and get through the day? Well, there were a couple of things that came in handy. First was dressing to kill before going out in the city centre. I didn't spend two years in London's gay community without learning the power of good clothing. So a liberal dose of Nicole Farhi, Ermenegildo Zegna and my trusty pair of Grensons, plus a liberal dose of Chanel Antaeus, and I feel good, albeit in a very shallow way!
However, when life is kicking you it seems to find new and interesting opportunities to put the additional boot in. Over lunch, I was complaining about the pain in my left eye (the day before I had been playing with Merlin and he had head-butted me right on my left eyebrow. What are dog's skulls made of, for God's sake? Depleted uranium?). So my wife said "Let me look and see if it's swollen. Stop frowning."
I stop frowning
Pause.
"I said stop frowning"
"I have stopped frowning"
"Oh"
See what I mean? Then a man eagerly pressed a leaflet into my hand. It said 'Do you suffer from any of the following?' and followed it up with a long list of ailments, from back pain to depression. And then offered to say a prayer for your health if you contacted them. My wife said "He really made a beeline for you, didn't he?" So the effects of power dressing only go so deep, it seems.
The next one, slightly more effective, was to make a list of seven things I can do, and here it is...
1. I can do a headstand.
2. I can cook a good risotto.
3. I can balance 13 4" nails on the head of another 4" nail.
4. I can iron a shirt perfectly.
5. I can calculate levels of statistical significance.
6. I can recite a poem.
7. I can dig a trench to prevent the spread of a moorland fire.
Yes, it's not that great, but that's not the point. It's a sort of mental starting point to trigger other positive thoughts about yourself. Don't ask me if this is some amazing psychological technique. I wouldn't know. I just made it up. The point is to look at it and think "Well, yes, my risotto is good, but my chocolate mousse is an orgasm in the mouth". It acts as a sort of foundation.
No.7 is weak, for instance. Anyone with hands and a spade can dig a trench; it's only the context that makes it interesting. Maybe I'd replace that with being able to build a bridge. I know stats is boring, but again it's something I can do (they have to be objective - that way there's no doubt). And you can keep building and replacing your seven items until you actually realise you can do a lot of good, useful things.
The balancing of the nails? This is a puzzle I use in team building exercises when running training courses. You can try this if you like; it's quite challenging! Get 14 4" nails, and drive one into a small block of wood, so it stands vertically. Now you have to find a way to balance the other 13 nails on top of it. I have had people storm out in anger when faced with this puzzle! But it can be done, and it's a very neat solution. If anyone is interested, I will post the solution.
Does any of this help? Well, it does, sort of. It generates memories, as you put the different items in context. It makes you build an objective picture of your own self-worth, and it makes you realise that, despite the way you feel, you are valuable. It doesn't remove pain, but it puts it in some sort of context.
The poem? John Donne's The Bait. I learned it because I loved it, and I once recited it at a friend's wedding. If I was going to add one more thing to my list, it would be that I do a blinding speech!
COME live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines and silver hooks.
There will the river whisp'ring run
Warm'd by thy eyes, more than the sun ;
And there th' enamour'd fish will stay,
Begging themselves they may betray.
When thou wilt swim in that live bath,
Each fish, which every channel hath,
Will amorously to thee swim,
Gladder to catch thee, than thou him.
If thou, to be so seen, be'st loth,
By sun or moon, thou dark'nest both,
And if myself have leave to see,
I need not their light, having thee.
Let others freeze with angling reeds,
And cut their legs with shells and weeds,
Or treacherously poor fish beset,
With strangling snare, or windowy net.
Let coarse bold hands from slimy nest
The bedded fish in banks out-wrest ;
Or curious traitors, sleeve-silk flies,
Bewitch poor fishes' wand'ring eyes.
For thee, thou need'st no such deceit,
For thou thyself art thine own bait :
That fish, that is not catch'd thereby,
Alas ! is wiser far than I.
i've regretted a few blogs that i posted, but none that were from the my heart. this venue has been a Godsend for me, and i feel for you as well. never stifle yourself when you need to release things inside of you that beg to be released. i used to do that and it hurt me. you're being true to yourself, which is something all of us shuld be striving for.