lexiie

My Christmas's were never really any fun, kind of like most of my childhood. Because of constant abuse I can't remember much of my life. My brain just likes to block things out but it's there. And they are there every night in the nightmares. So I can't really say what the best gift was but I certainly remember the worst. It was a gift from life.

3 am Christmas morning I receive a Facebook message from my dear aunty, with the news that her partner Steve was diagnosed with cancer. So naturally I called her. we spoke for about 2 hours. They had admitted him in the ER Christmas EVE night. Being told if they didn't he wouldn't have survived the weekend. It was bad. All they could do was give him chemo to relieve the pain and slightly extend his life. He had anywhere from days to weeks to live.

5 minutes after getting off the phone reality hits and I start crying. Didn't sleep much the night of course. But Christmas day, my boyfriend Rob and I were going to spend Christmas day with his family at his parents farm. It was a 2 hour drive. Trying so hard to hold everything in and to not ruin everyone else's Christmas was not easy. Certainly not with a spoilt 8 year old harassing me all because her mum doesn't know how to discipline this child. I'm not even close to this child and to be frank I do not like this child. But she likes to take her mother's phone and text and call random people on the contacts list. Which is what this child did the whole 2 hour drive. Eventually, 10 minutes from the farm, I broke down. How could I not? Someone I loved and someone who genuinely loved me back (not so many) had days to weeks to live. But I was grateful for the support Rob's family gave me. But I did find myself being a bit rude since I wore sunglasses the whole time, even when we were inside, to cover my red eyes. Every so often I would go off to the toilet to have a little cry but then wash my face and go back to everyone and just sit there.

Steve didn't talk much but we got along very well. And my aunty always told me that I was always able to make him laugh and be an amusement for them just by doing my silly little things (which I can't help, it just happens). But the main thing was that we were family. I have very little experience and knowledge of what a true family is and what family love was. And I was learning and he helped me with that. it was wonderful. and then it had to get taken away.

Being abandoned, I can handle. I've been going through that crap my entire life. But having people taken from me, that I don't know how to deal with that. It's only the past couple of years where good people come into my life and show me what true friendship is and what love is. Being so new to love, it's hard to find out that it has to be taken. I don't care for materialistic things or wealth, I care for love and memories.

So now guess who doesn't really care for Christmas.

And now for some positivity : I've got a damn good ass! <3