lesborella

I'm working on an essay that is only half tongue in cheek.

You may have a hard time believing this, but I have an excellent relationship with God. I know you probably think Im an atheist, but nothing could be further from the truth.

See, the problem with most people is they have no idea how to have a relationship with God. Thats because theyre caught up in the infinite, the indefinable.

You need to think of God in human terms. Instead of worrying about your relationship with God, imagine youre trying to have a relationship with Charlie Sheen. Why Charlie Sheen? Because like God, most people wish they had a better relationship with Charlie Sheen. Like Jesus, Charlie Sheen hangs out with a lot of prostitutes and has great hair.

The first step in improving your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop asking him for stuff. Sure hes got tons of cool stuff, and probably wouldnt miss it. Hes fucking Denise Richards in the ass and all you want is enough money to buy a new toaster. Well unfortunately, Charlie has that money earmarked for nipple waxing and crack so hes not going to just hand it over. Like God, Charlie gets requests from people he doesnt know all of the time. Even if he did know you, he cant just hand you everything you want. That would make God OJ Simpson and you would be Kato Kaelin. Do you want God to be OJ Simpson? I didnt think so. Are you starting to understand how God works?

The second thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop holding him responsible for things that you did, or didnt do. Nothing is more annoying to Him then you saying, If I dont get that job, it was because Charlie Sheen didnt want me to get it. or Charlie Sheen will get me out of this speeding ticket, even though Im shit faced on Percocet, Crestor, and Peach Schnapps. Im not saying Charlie will never help you, but you really need to take some personal responsibility. Charlie Sheen wants me to beat up this prostitute. After all, did he not shoot Kelly Preston? Believe me Charlie Sheen probably does want you to beat up that prostitute, but youre still the one holding the sock full of nickels.

The third thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop talking shit about him. Dont be bragging about how well you know Him, and how everyone else should get to know Him. Your relationship with Him is not special. Plus, Charlie Sheen has more friends than he knows what to do with. If other people want a relationship with Charlie Sheen they only need to go to the nearest topless club.

The fourth thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop going to his house. Would you want someone coming over your house every Sunday? Even though youre going there to praise Him, its all a little much. Plus, look at the douchebags all around you. Theyre not really friends of Him. They all just want stuff, or want to blame Him for stuff. You dont need to be associated with these people.

Finally, stop questioning everything he does. He has done good things like Wall Street and Hot Shots! I and II. And yet, he has also done Men at Work and Two and a Half Men? He broke up with porn star Ginger Lynn. Recognize that some things he does are beyond our human comprehension

Try being a good friend to Him for a change. That way when you die, you can go live with Him in Malibu. I hope you take comfort in that.