leonmate

So things with the girlfriend are done with once and for all, I think.

We kept arguing whilst I was in China playing with the band, and she broke up with me while I was there. I was hurt, but then also angry- the way I see it is that no one should ever make me second guess my choices and make me choose between who I love and what I love doing. After a while we started talking again though, about everything. About my arrival back to Sydney. About us. About our future. But that didn't last long.

I feel like I've always tried my best to make her happy. It wasn't always easy, and I'm not perfect- I fucked up on more than one occassion. It sucks that the ones you love the most are also the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. I'm in two minds about it. I feel remorseful for what has happened, Rachel meant everything to me. But she made me doubt myself. Not intentionally, I know, but I got tired of feeling like that, feeling like my best efforts weren't good enough, and that I wasn't good enough. I admit, there was more I could have done to keep her happy, but I did more than my fair share to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, and I guess if she doesn't think I'm good enough, it's just a matter of me finding someone who thinks I am.

But I'm still in love with her, and the heartache fucking sucks.