lemuria

to get a fucking text message from a BOY (believe me i mean fucking boy. a man does not do shit like this) that says "stay away" is fucked up. what makes it even more fucked up is when youre married to that BOY>
mister autonomy. mister fuckface. mister im pissed as fuck right now that you cant be a fucking man!!
mister lies. mister his word means shit. mister ill avoid you. mister i need space. mister ill act normal on thursday and wednesday night and then go away and do this. mister ignorant. mister no compassion. mister cold heart. mister mister. remember the? mister mister? thats very eighties i think.
wow. my writing abilities have ascended upon me again.

to the boy that stood on a rock in sedona arizona on a vortex and VOWED and PROMISED shit to me such as "for better or worse" and "eternity" and all those other lies really had me fooled. fooled. fool. foolish. fuck.

I SEE WHO THE STRONG ONE IS NOW.
I SEE WHO THE HEARTLESS ONE IS TOO.
I SEE WHO THE ONE WHO DOESNT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE SO RUNS AWAY IS.
I SEE CLEARLY.
I SEE AN EGOTISTICAL BOY.
I SEE A GIRL WITH A FUCKING BROKEN HEART THAT CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.
I SEE A BOY WHO LOST PROBABLY THE BEST THING HE WILL EVER HAVE.
I SEE A GIRL WHOS FUCKED UP AND STILL LOVES HIM.
FUCK YOU LUCY FOR LEAVING ME! AND FUCK YOU LUCY FOR NOT NEEDING ME! I WANNA SAY FUCK YOU BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU! NO IM NOT OKAY AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! ~atmosphere


the friend within the man is that part of him which belongs to you and opens to you a door which neve,r perhaps, is opened to another.such a friend is true, and all he says is true: and he loves you even if he hates you in other mansions of his heart. ~antoine de saint-exupery

but was he ever my friend? i think not.
no way.
friends arent asshats like this.
friends dont leave messages saying "i dont want to deal with this right now. i dont want to talk. i dont want to hang out.blah blah blah...."
friends are the ones that talk to you on the phone until five am because youre confused. pissed. worried. etc... thank you clytie.
friends dont lie. or did i say that already? yeah. lying pisses me off.
friends are able to talk about shit and not run away.
friends dont ditch you one day out of the blue.
friends are they even real?

or how about husbands?
husbands dont go away for the weekend and just not call to say im not coming home tonight.
husbands can talk to their wives.
husbands dont do shit through the phone when its really important.
husbands are men.

i guess i wasnt really married. or at least didnt really have a husband. i had a BOY that says words. but thats it. just says them. doesnt act on them or take them to heart.
then why the fuck do i still have my fucking wedding ring on? cause im foolish. yes, youre right. cause my heart is so fucking big. cause i cant have someone tell me its over and not say it to my face. cause im naive. cause a part of my heart like a fucking majority of the dumb thing still does love him. still can smell him if i think about it enough. or can remember how his skin felt or tasted. why do i still think hes my soulmate? why do i still believe. believe in anything at all. its all a FUCKING SHAM!!!!!

the universe hates me.