sleeping in weird patterns again.... yet another step back into my introverted world. yesterday i selpt from 9pm to 1 am then i read until 5am and slept from then till 7;30 .
I go to lunch with a coworker everyday and we usually talk to each other, beside these regular outings i havent had any social interraction in several weeks, actually the last time was at my fisrt SGLA gathering and i really didnt talk much there either.
I cant tell if its laziness or cowardice drawing me back , but either way its not a bad thing really, Ive learned alot in this latest outing, ive met a couple new people, met up with old friends, become closer with current friends, said unnaturally outgoing things to strangers and collected their reactions, I even got laid a couple times, that was wholly unexpected, it was great, but it also turned my brain to mush, Ive been distracted for long enough and now i have a lot of stuff to break down into small pieces and assimilate. as is the way of this Lelio
said coworker by the way has been freaking out lately. Ive known him since we were 16 or so. He's gone from being a punkass kid stealing cars and selling pot, to being a more responsible kid working retail, to being a full blown born again christian for 2-3 years, to losing faith and starting to hang out with heathens like me again. and now after a few years of hearing my views on life, and working a full time office job. He's finally come to the point where you realize theres nothing but death waiting for you. the futility of everything yada yada yada... he sounds exactly like me when i was 13 or so. we were walking through the halls in our cushy office building and he started screaming 'Its all a big fucking waiting room!'. I told him there's nothing keeping him from causing havock in the waiting room, banging on the walls and painting them with his own excrement. I can relate totally with what he says but ive been dealing with that kinda thing for so long that the past couple of years ive developed an undisturbed calmness in everything i do, no matter what people say i cant really get angry or frustrated with them. and this makes my friend go complety nuts 'how can you stand there and accept that we will all die without knowing anything!''
I tried to tell him how i think its better this way, How id rather have my existance be random chance so that I know no limits. What if when you die your told exactly what life was all about , origins, purpose , future. can you think of anything that would possibly satisfy you? Is there any possibility of learning the perfect higher purpose of life and simply saying 'oh, okay that makes sense, i can now vanish from existance content with everything' . If the only point to life is life, to create more and sustain it. then everything else you do is truly godlike, If we never understand anything than there are never any rules, maybe an afterlife is possible, but hopefully it wont be one that a vain violent god places us in. maybe we can find one that was created by random chance just like everything else, or maybe you can create one for yourself somehow, maybe not , but maybe you can figure out how to win at monopoly everytime, all on your own, in a huge cold universe without any help from a set of governing rules or a higher purpose.
I go to lunch with a coworker everyday and we usually talk to each other, beside these regular outings i havent had any social interraction in several weeks, actually the last time was at my fisrt SGLA gathering and i really didnt talk much there either.
I cant tell if its laziness or cowardice drawing me back , but either way its not a bad thing really, Ive learned alot in this latest outing, ive met a couple new people, met up with old friends, become closer with current friends, said unnaturally outgoing things to strangers and collected their reactions, I even got laid a couple times, that was wholly unexpected, it was great, but it also turned my brain to mush, Ive been distracted for long enough and now i have a lot of stuff to break down into small pieces and assimilate. as is the way of this Lelio
said coworker by the way has been freaking out lately. Ive known him since we were 16 or so. He's gone from being a punkass kid stealing cars and selling pot, to being a more responsible kid working retail, to being a full blown born again christian for 2-3 years, to losing faith and starting to hang out with heathens like me again. and now after a few years of hearing my views on life, and working a full time office job. He's finally come to the point where you realize theres nothing but death waiting for you. the futility of everything yada yada yada... he sounds exactly like me when i was 13 or so. we were walking through the halls in our cushy office building and he started screaming 'Its all a big fucking waiting room!'. I told him there's nothing keeping him from causing havock in the waiting room, banging on the walls and painting them with his own excrement. I can relate totally with what he says but ive been dealing with that kinda thing for so long that the past couple of years ive developed an undisturbed calmness in everything i do, no matter what people say i cant really get angry or frustrated with them. and this makes my friend go complety nuts 'how can you stand there and accept that we will all die without knowing anything!''
I tried to tell him how i think its better this way, How id rather have my existance be random chance so that I know no limits. What if when you die your told exactly what life was all about , origins, purpose , future. can you think of anything that would possibly satisfy you? Is there any possibility of learning the perfect higher purpose of life and simply saying 'oh, okay that makes sense, i can now vanish from existance content with everything' . If the only point to life is life, to create more and sustain it. then everything else you do is truly godlike, If we never understand anything than there are never any rules, maybe an afterlife is possible, but hopefully it wont be one that a vain violent god places us in. maybe we can find one that was created by random chance just like everything else, or maybe you can create one for yourself somehow, maybe not , but maybe you can figure out how to win at monopoly everytime, all on your own, in a huge cold universe without any help from a set of governing rules or a higher purpose.
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*ties you up*
[Edited on May 24, 2003]