It's come to my attention that last week's syncope and a random fit of inexplicable sobbing a little further back are both symptoms of stress. It wouldn't surprise me if I were stressed at the moment, considering the demands of my job, the latent threat of mortal danger to me in the work place, the strains of balancing career prospects against relational commitments, and generally trying to plan out not only what I want to do in the future, but where too. However, in the main I don't feel stressed, especially when such afore-mentioned dramatic expressions of stress occur.
Is denial of stress a sign of stress in its own right? Am I somehow holding myself up by not admitting, even to myself, that I am struggling? What will happen when the stress is removed? What would happen if I accept that I am stressed? Is the fear of the answers to these questions exactly why I refuse to admit to it?
In other news, I was invited to a party at my friend Kate's house this evening by a friend whose number was not in my phone. Subsequently I discovered this anonymous caller to be my friend Darren who is home from Denmark for a few days. I'm not quite sure how to describe the soiree. Not knowing who had invited me, I had expected it to be a raucous bbq with a gaggle of people I barely knew and cared less for, but it turned out to be a quiet occasion with wine, coffee and soul quietly playing in the background, and an unusual selection of people I hold in high regard. With no cue or great vision, the conversation flowed onto some profound topics without becoming heavy or negative. As the conversation continued, I found myself not only enlightened, but challenged in my behaviour, habits, vision and even how I see myself.
The following will seem like a ridiculous list of outcomes from the evening.
* I will delete that computer game on the family PC
* I will learn Spanish
* I will look for work that makes use of the gifts I have been given
* I will look into surround sound systems for laptops
* I will digest the bass grooves of John Legend
* I will look into the recent history of Toronto and Kansas City
* I will look into the history of Africans and slavery in the United Kingdom
* I will attempt to make friends in new circles, let some old ones go and make more of a big deal about some I already have.
Ultimately:
* I will stop being afraid of who I could be and just be it.
Is denial of stress a sign of stress in its own right? Am I somehow holding myself up by not admitting, even to myself, that I am struggling? What will happen when the stress is removed? What would happen if I accept that I am stressed? Is the fear of the answers to these questions exactly why I refuse to admit to it?
In other news, I was invited to a party at my friend Kate's house this evening by a friend whose number was not in my phone. Subsequently I discovered this anonymous caller to be my friend Darren who is home from Denmark for a few days. I'm not quite sure how to describe the soiree. Not knowing who had invited me, I had expected it to be a raucous bbq with a gaggle of people I barely knew and cared less for, but it turned out to be a quiet occasion with wine, coffee and soul quietly playing in the background, and an unusual selection of people I hold in high regard. With no cue or great vision, the conversation flowed onto some profound topics without becoming heavy or negative. As the conversation continued, I found myself not only enlightened, but challenged in my behaviour, habits, vision and even how I see myself.
The following will seem like a ridiculous list of outcomes from the evening.
* I will delete that computer game on the family PC
* I will learn Spanish
* I will look for work that makes use of the gifts I have been given
* I will look into surround sound systems for laptops
* I will digest the bass grooves of John Legend
* I will look into the recent history of Toronto and Kansas City
* I will look into the history of Africans and slavery in the United Kingdom
* I will attempt to make friends in new circles, let some old ones go and make more of a big deal about some I already have.
Ultimately:
* I will stop being afraid of who I could be and just be it.
If you find any good information on the slave trade in the United Kingdom let me know. I took an American history course this summer that dealth primarily with the states end of it, but I always wondered what happened to the slaves that sided with England during the Revolutionary War.