leelou_

I always Promise myself on cold nights like this that i wont sit up all night thinking too much
but theres something about looking out at the fresh fallen snow that has me captivated
lost in the clean clear white of the snow, fresh smell in the air before the city takes its hold of the ice and turnes it black with polution and bum piss
i keep contemplating taking most of my piercings out, starting with a clean slate...but when i go to remove one its like im stopped in my own tracks that i just cant. ive spent the last 6 months fixing pieces of me i thought he didnt like only for none of that to matter...just left a bigger piece of me that well grew up.
its funny what we find when we arent looking for it...i think i found the person hidding behind the mask for so many years...the person who needed people to look at me, the person that needed that validation to feel better about myself. now its like looking back at a good book that was never really finnished just scribbled down on napkins and scrap paper. "maybe i woulda been something you'd be good at" i wont be sad
but im thinking that was the thing to do ....without that i wouldnt have found me in such a funny way i had to get lost in you to find me. to not care if anyone found me as lovely as i find myself, to feel good without someone having to say something to me.
i feel new. like the snow freshly fallen gathering on sleepy cars and sidewalks...i came out laughing screaming dancing