leavesofdestiny

wow... now i really understand the meanings of these journals, pardon me, but i feel a really depressing rant coming on... could things get worse? i sure as hell hope not, my future's shaky, my workload is far too much, i've recently decided i'm clinically insane, either multipersonalitied or a compulsive liar, but i'm not the latter except to myself, i never know if my feelings are real or imagined, and my actions true or scripted by some demon dwelling inside my head, answers, that's all i'd like, i have a very fortunate life, so why do i thrive upon my own misfortunes, my own inadiquacies, my very flaws fuel me, but not the flaws themselves, but people's reactions to them, even tho i am aware of many, i continue, maybe my problem is that my whole life i've had things expected of me, i have money, i'm smart, and my family is fairly well known in the area, and for as long as i can remember i've been pushed and pushed myself to be the best at whatever my dream is, but maybe i'm tired of it, maybe i just want to show the world my flaws so that i won't have to be that perfect one any more, but i never WAS perfect! why do they think i was, why do i think i was, time and time again my mind attacks me, picking those close to be to exact their goal, their revenge on me for bottling them up for so long, i hate it, i hate not being able to control what i do or say or think... i would love for my obsessive brain to finally quiet for a bit, so for once i could solve a problem and call it done, without freaking over whether there were underlying tones of hatred within it, or whether i was using the right breathing pattern while solving it, but the biggest reason i wish it would all stop is so that i could stop hurting the ones i love, and most specifically, my one true love, my soulmate, who means so much to me, and i treat not nearly that level which she deserves, i wish i could stop interupting her like my dad does to my mom, i wish i could stop wondering things that i know are fact... and most of all i just wish i could understand why she loves me back, and why with all of these flaws i'm the luckiest man alive...i wish i could understand... my life is a big dark room...one...big...dark...room...