really fucking long entry
this is kind of an obscure realization.
lately i've been feeling like an outcast from so many social groups, maybe including SG, but i realized tonight that it's because of my own blockage where social groups are concerned. at least right now.
social scenes are such a sensitive issue for me, and the last situation i got myself into with one has gone horribly wrong. and is still going horribly wrong as i write this. so i'm finding it hard to be upbeat and friendly and open to any group of people since then, since i was too open to a group of people without knowing them that well and it has caused me a lot of heartache recently. but being open is not a fault, and the risks i took were good ones and incredibly educational ones.
the true thing that i have forgotten is that i have been beautiful in social groups before, really good, happy, and able to have so much fun. i just don't take the exit very well when it's time to exit a group. or even reevaluate what a group means to me. and it's so hard for me to keep things casual, when i start building the true affection for the group it's so easy for me to feel betrayed later because i'm so complete about it.
i realize that's all kind of incomprehensible with no context, like, no idea what is really going on with me and my social scenes, but maybe you can understand anyway.
new goal: more trust and optimism where people are concerned. trust and optimism can exist in parallel with caution can't they? it's a careful balance but balance seems possible.
...
darkskyy1 emailed me this interview for some thing he's writing. here are my responses to his questions. i hope it's ok with him if i post this. it contains no secrets so it seems ok.
>> From Where do you hail?
All over. My dad was military. I moved to San Francisco as soon as I left home though, and have been here ever since. I consider it home.
>> What is you real age and occupation?
I'm 25. My occupation is web geeking. I work for SG, helping Olivia with HTML and doing tech and customer support remotely. I also moderate the community aspects of the site. I love the internet.
>> Why did you choose to pose on SuicideGirls?
Well. I was the first remote model, and the site was smaller then. It seemed like a cool thing to do, a little challenge. I'd been slutting around on my webcam for years and doing regular photography was appealing. At the time I was thinking of getting into fetish modeling because I really have no qualms about doing things other people tend to have problems with, like getting naked on camera. In fact I kind of enjoy it. So I figured SG was a good start. But after being on SG and having it be so casual and supportive, doing other types of modeling seemed too scary.
>> Describe SG in one word.
Multi-faceted.
Sorry about the hyphen. Is that cheating?
>> What is your favorite color?
Are you serious?
>> What is in your CD player right now?
John Vanderslice. He sings a song about his 4 track. The album is called "life and death of an american fourtracker." He also did an album that was entirely based on letters his brother wrote from antarctica.
>> If you died and came back to earth as an animal, which animal would you be?
A water buffalo. They are really peaceful and they like to lounge around. They are so peaceful that they are going extinct because they're real easy to shoot. They are lounging and you can basically walk up to them and shoot them no problem.
>> What do you think makes SuicideGirls diofferent from any other site on the web containing adult content?
Well, I guess I could point to the community aspect, but I really think it's the intent of the creators that makes it different. The fact that the staff on the site is almost all women, and for pornographers we are not very porny. We're just people who work on a porn site. And I know Sean & Olivia & I are all big web geeks, I'd venture to say that for us it's more about making the site look cool and work well than it is being way into the politics of sex or whatever. I think other alternative porn sites are into the philosophy of sex and the meaning of porn to women and all that socially complex shit. We think about that stuff but we're not as sociology-nerd about it. That's just my perspective though.
>> Is SG a "porn" site?
Totally. Though when I call back angry mothers whose kids have used their credit cards to sign up I say it's "pinup style photography." Which I think is actually a more accurate description.
>> Were you a member of SuicideGirls before becoming a model?
Briefly.
>> What is your favorite thing about SG?
Working with Olivia and the rest of the staff. The goings on in that chat room in the wee hours.
>> What is your least favorite thing about SG?
Working with Olivia. Just kidding! My least favorite thing is how incredibly superficial it can get in the community at times.
>> Do you worry about your posing on SG affecting any of your future plans for life? (i.e. career, family life, etc.)
Not at all. I think if that had ever crossed any of the models minds, I would hope they wouldn't choose to be on the site.
>> Do your parents know that you're a SuicideGirl? If yes or no, Why?
My dad doesn't know, but my mom does. My mom trusts me to make good decisions. She doesn't worry about stuff like that much. My dad doesn't know too many things about me. Not because he sucks, but just becuase he's kind of in his own little world. He doesn't have the context to understand SG.
>> What inspires your set ideas?
I really like the Digital Diaries chick, Natacha Merrit. She has inspired me. But my set ideas have all come from different places. I only have three sets so it's hard to make a generalization.
>> Who takes your pictures?
Each set was shot by someone different. A close friend who is a photographer, my boyfriend, and myself.
>> Who is your favorite girl on the site? favorite member?
I LOVE Amelie. I think she is so beautiful. I also love Zona. When I look at her I feel a deep sense of peace and understanding.
Debra Jean is also great, she is smart as a whip and I think we understand each other. The member macbastard is old school and really great. BlixaSinister totally rocks.
>> Do you think the SuicideBoys group will ever blossum into a full-fledged site?
I think that would depend on whether or not Sean and co wanted to make it happen. It's a lot of work keeping
suicidegirls running. I don't know if we could handle having two sites. And lets face it, a suicideboys site would basically be gay porn. Maybe not entirely but I think it would have a huge gay appeal. It's a big question, do we want to make a gay porn site? that's kind of another world.
>> Comments/Quotes?
What is this, american idol?
this is kind of an obscure realization.
lately i've been feeling like an outcast from so many social groups, maybe including SG, but i realized tonight that it's because of my own blockage where social groups are concerned. at least right now.
social scenes are such a sensitive issue for me, and the last situation i got myself into with one has gone horribly wrong. and is still going horribly wrong as i write this. so i'm finding it hard to be upbeat and friendly and open to any group of people since then, since i was too open to a group of people without knowing them that well and it has caused me a lot of heartache recently. but being open is not a fault, and the risks i took were good ones and incredibly educational ones.
the true thing that i have forgotten is that i have been beautiful in social groups before, really good, happy, and able to have so much fun. i just don't take the exit very well when it's time to exit a group. or even reevaluate what a group means to me. and it's so hard for me to keep things casual, when i start building the true affection for the group it's so easy for me to feel betrayed later because i'm so complete about it.
i realize that's all kind of incomprehensible with no context, like, no idea what is really going on with me and my social scenes, but maybe you can understand anyway.
new goal: more trust and optimism where people are concerned. trust and optimism can exist in parallel with caution can't they? it's a careful balance but balance seems possible.
...
darkskyy1 emailed me this interview for some thing he's writing. here are my responses to his questions. i hope it's ok with him if i post this. it contains no secrets so it seems ok.
>> From Where do you hail?
All over. My dad was military. I moved to San Francisco as soon as I left home though, and have been here ever since. I consider it home.
>> What is you real age and occupation?
I'm 25. My occupation is web geeking. I work for SG, helping Olivia with HTML and doing tech and customer support remotely. I also moderate the community aspects of the site. I love the internet.
>> Why did you choose to pose on SuicideGirls?
Well. I was the first remote model, and the site was smaller then. It seemed like a cool thing to do, a little challenge. I'd been slutting around on my webcam for years and doing regular photography was appealing. At the time I was thinking of getting into fetish modeling because I really have no qualms about doing things other people tend to have problems with, like getting naked on camera. In fact I kind of enjoy it. So I figured SG was a good start. But after being on SG and having it be so casual and supportive, doing other types of modeling seemed too scary.
>> Describe SG in one word.
Multi-faceted.
Sorry about the hyphen. Is that cheating?
>> What is your favorite color?
Are you serious?
>> What is in your CD player right now?
John Vanderslice. He sings a song about his 4 track. The album is called "life and death of an american fourtracker." He also did an album that was entirely based on letters his brother wrote from antarctica.
>> If you died and came back to earth as an animal, which animal would you be?
A water buffalo. They are really peaceful and they like to lounge around. They are so peaceful that they are going extinct because they're real easy to shoot. They are lounging and you can basically walk up to them and shoot them no problem.
>> What do you think makes SuicideGirls diofferent from any other site on the web containing adult content?
Well, I guess I could point to the community aspect, but I really think it's the intent of the creators that makes it different. The fact that the staff on the site is almost all women, and for pornographers we are not very porny. We're just people who work on a porn site. And I know Sean & Olivia & I are all big web geeks, I'd venture to say that for us it's more about making the site look cool and work well than it is being way into the politics of sex or whatever. I think other alternative porn sites are into the philosophy of sex and the meaning of porn to women and all that socially complex shit. We think about that stuff but we're not as sociology-nerd about it. That's just my perspective though.
>> Is SG a "porn" site?
Totally. Though when I call back angry mothers whose kids have used their credit cards to sign up I say it's "pinup style photography." Which I think is actually a more accurate description.
>> Were you a member of SuicideGirls before becoming a model?
Briefly.
>> What is your favorite thing about SG?
Working with Olivia and the rest of the staff. The goings on in that chat room in the wee hours.
>> What is your least favorite thing about SG?
Working with Olivia. Just kidding! My least favorite thing is how incredibly superficial it can get in the community at times.
>> Do you worry about your posing on SG affecting any of your future plans for life? (i.e. career, family life, etc.)
Not at all. I think if that had ever crossed any of the models minds, I would hope they wouldn't choose to be on the site.
>> Do your parents know that you're a SuicideGirl? If yes or no, Why?
My dad doesn't know, but my mom does. My mom trusts me to make good decisions. She doesn't worry about stuff like that much. My dad doesn't know too many things about me. Not because he sucks, but just becuase he's kind of in his own little world. He doesn't have the context to understand SG.
>> What inspires your set ideas?
I really like the Digital Diaries chick, Natacha Merrit. She has inspired me. But my set ideas have all come from different places. I only have three sets so it's hard to make a generalization.
>> Who takes your pictures?
Each set was shot by someone different. A close friend who is a photographer, my boyfriend, and myself.
>> Who is your favorite girl on the site? favorite member?
I LOVE Amelie. I think she is so beautiful. I also love Zona. When I look at her I feel a deep sense of peace and understanding.
Debra Jean is also great, she is smart as a whip and I think we understand each other. The member macbastard is old school and really great. BlixaSinister totally rocks.
>> Do you think the SuicideBoys group will ever blossum into a full-fledged site?
I think that would depend on whether or not Sean and co wanted to make it happen. It's a lot of work keeping
suicidegirls running. I don't know if we could handle having two sites. And lets face it, a suicideboys site would basically be gay porn. Maybe not entirely but I think it would have a huge gay appeal. It's a big question, do we want to make a gay porn site? that's kind of another world.
>> Comments/Quotes?
What is this, american idol?
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
clay883:
Couldn't help but notice you like 16 Horsepower. One of my favorites. "Wayfaring Stranger" is one of my favorite songs to listen to (when I'm in that sort of mood). You should try Slim Cessna's Auto Club. They're pretty damn cool if you dig 16hp. They're a bit more ecclectic/energetic but still really enjoyable. Just thought I'd drop a line and put in my 2 cents.
weso:
Random person with a thought: I agree with your view on the shallowness of the scenes that tend to develop here. I too have a distaste, for lack of a better word, for scenesters. People who live a part because they look, think, eat, and shit that part.