lavinia

Last night was one of the worst drinking nights I have ever had.

After work I called CJ and my friend Richard to go for drinks at the Railway. I had 2 Martinis, 1 dark ale and 2 shots of tequila before 8 p.m. (without food). CJ left to to go home and walk his dog. Richard and I went to the liquor store. We bought beer and martini fixings. When we arrived at my place Richard and I drank more and I msn'd CJ to come over. He did and he brought his dog.

I don't know what happened but I was really drunk, something in me snapped. I blacked out. I don't remember a thing.

I woke up this morning feeling emtionally horrible and embarresed beyond belief. I have this feeling that I must have said or done something really horrible. I think I told CJ to leave and I think I was really hurtful and rude.

Because of this drunken episode I have probably lost someone who is near and very dear to me. CJ is the most wonderful person I have ever met. He is caring, compassionate, beautiful, insightful and intelligent. I have felt things for people in the past but I have never liked and cared about someone like this before.

I suck at this. I suck at being in emtional/intimate relations with people. Sober I am fine. When I am drinking I can be great or a total mess.

Last night wasn't the first time this has happened....it was the 4th (since September). He has been o.k. with me in this state in the past. He has been so wonderful and understanding to me after I have had one of these sessions. He is probably sick of it and me (I don't know that fore sure but I have a feeling that this is the case).

I have MSN'd him, e-amiled him and he hasn't gotten back to me.

I hope he answers me back. I do like and care about him a lot.

I guess I'll find out later.