Hey love birds 🐥 here we are, once again - another year's over and a new one is about to begin.
Though I love Christmas time (and this one has made no difference!), I always have mixed feelings on the last day of the year.
On the one hand the deep sense of gratitude for all the experiences I have had, on the other a melancholy for the time that has passed, for the moments that will not return except as memories, but also the feeling of "not having done enough," the sense of incompleteness.
Can you relate?
I don't know where this comes from, but we're all so convinced "we could have do so much more and better" and we end up looking down on ourselves... well, let's take time to consider how actually far we've all come this year.
When 2022 started, I wasn't where I wanted and needed to be sentimentally, emotionally, and even professionally - and I was well aware of it for quite some time.
It took me some more time to realize that I was holding out false hope for a situation that was all in my head - still, I did not feel ready to abandon the raft I was clinging to, even though I was aware that either I was going to swim, or I was going to go under.
But sometimes life offers you an helping hand by forcing you to focus on something else, like... a new job opportunity!
Yes because after almost five years, I started to feel unappreciated and stuck in a place where I used to feel at home and blooming. Again, I had to realize that there's no point in keeping to strive to be in a situation that is no longer comfortable or useful to us.
I ended up in a new job closer to home, where I'm paid better, but I definitely have more responsibility and deal with a whole host of things that I never did before. It wasn't easy before and it still isn't easy now that 7 months have passed.
The last two months have been incredibly hard and stressful, so much so that I had what I think was a panic attack - a short, controllable one but equally disturbing, especially since it was the first one in my life and I don't like that it was work that triggered it.
This new challenging work situation has kept my mind busy enough to begin to give proper relevance to people and events. I have learned that some things cannot be "outgrown," but I must learn to live with them without getting trapped in fantasies.
My 8 years old relationship with my boyfriend is growing and evolving. We are growing and evolving, getting more and more used to question and negotiate again anything we were used to but feels no longer "right" or "useful" - it's never easy, it's never comfortable and sometimes it even hurts, but I now know I just can't stand feeling stuck.
Same thing works for friendship.
This 2022 has been the year when I've had realized how important are friends in my life and how much we - as a society founded on the monogamous and hetero-regulated "romantic couple" - unfortunately tend to take them for granted 'cause "friends will be friends".
I've discovered on my very own skin that every kind friendship, even the deepest and closest ones, needs to be nurtured and protected so that it can last over time.
I had to question myself and my behave in order not to lose one of my dearest and closest girl friends - it hurt! It forced me to look inside myself and acknowledge how some of my behaviours were toxic and needed to go, then take responsibility and change.
I want to put even more effort in all my friendship relations from now on as I've truly understood how much I care for them.
This blog post is so much different from what I used to post on the last day of the year to prove myself I've lived the 365 given days at their fullest!
Once I'd have written about how proud I am of working basically three jobs and being successful in each one of 'em, or how much I loved training - I've kept up with pole dancing, climbing and rocking the gym to get stronger!
I'd have told you about the amazing travels I had the chance to enjoy.
Today I just want to contemplate the path I've taken, all the work I've done on myself that from the outside might not be so obvious. But that is exactly what I am focusing on with my therapist: to understand why all these years I have always sought so much approval, feared so much the judgments of others, when really only I can know what kind of person I am.
No worries... I'm not turning into a spiritual person, not yet! I'll be back in the next days with a detailed update about what I've been up to lately and what are my plans for the new year.
But I was feeling the need to share with you all some more intimate thoughts about growing up as SuicideGirls has always been the right place for me to share my intimacy - being it my nude work and my nude thoughts.
I honestly can't say all this changing is over and I look forward to the person I'll become in 2023 ♥
I wish you all the best for today and for tomorrow: may your old year ends in peace and the new one begins under the shade of love, courage and happiness!
xo
your Lauretta
P.S.
In case you liked the featured pics, be aware they're part of a very warm yet spicy set you can find my page , shot by the über talented @mads ♥
