There's too many ways to look at life- whether you want to think that life's too short to live the same day twice, act wrecklecly, party as hard as you possibly can, and attempt to have more fun then the one single person is meant to experience, or to take life one step at a time, plan everything out, and take cautions in your actions, there's never a guarantee that you're going to wake up after falling asleep at night, and if you do, are you going to be happy?.
In comparison to some, I'm living the high life, I have no problems, nothing to be worried about or scared of, but inside I'm completly terrified, and hate the majority of what's surrounding me. I'm confused, unconfident, and too imaginative to realise what's going on around me, to realise that I'm growing up at such a rapid rate. I like to go to bed thinking, that when I wake up tomorrow, every thing's going to be okay, I'll be satified with the reflection I see in the mirror when I go to brush my teeth....I wish for it every night, I have for years, the list of the changes I want made processing through my brain before I close my eyes, making sure I don't leave anything out incase my wish comes true. I do think that I've had my fair share of bad luck, and disatisfaction, though I'm not asking for sympathy, just understanding.
My emotions are locked behind closed doors to most people, but if I give you the key to open them, you'll find yourself holding the door wide open. I like to think I hide my emotions well, the few who get to see the true depth of how my mind works would beg to differ, because they've seen almost everything. Admitting I'm not emotionally stable enough to deal with loss, whether it were my sister, my boyfriend, even just a friend isn't easy, though I simply can not handle it even if I give it my all. I can't cope with having to fill even that tiniest gap in the bottom of my heart. The paranoia of someone leaving my side never goes away, it's constantly there behind me like a dark shadow standing next to me. I can't seem to find trust in people, so the thought of having to fill that little gap becomes even more terrifying....If I do manage to find that level of trust in a person that I need to connect with them on some level...there's no saying how long it will last, or even if I'm trusting and loving them for the right reasons.
The past few months has made my mind wonder a fair bit. There was a boy who I thought I trusted, who I thought I loved, and who I thought was the kind of boy who could make me happy, but he turned out to be the reason I was so miserable. He was a very stupid decision, with very bad timing, I think I just needed someone there for me. I'm not sure what I feel for him now? I know it's not good, that's for sure. I do miss him a lot though, despite the confrentation we had, I wish I could be his friend, as that's all I can see him as now days. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy now, I can't say I blame him...He's seen the worst of me, but then again, he didn't stick around to see the best.
For the past three years or so, I've been very depressed. Some are due to cercomstances you'd already know about, others due to some of my deepest secrets that I refuse to reveal to anyone on the planet. I do know I'm slowly getting better though, which I'm proud of, with no anti-depresants neccesary. I'm slowly becoming more social, like I used to be, having a lot more fun then I use to have that's for sure. I've recently met some amazing people who I'm getting closer to each and every day. I'm experiancing new things and trying to myself live life to the fullest, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job, after all this is the first Saturday night I've been home in weeks, that's certainly different to this time last year. I'm starting to get more comfortable with how I look, not happy, comfortable...I'm accepting that if I can't change it, I might as well embrace it. I'm not going to let anyone else put me down...if you love me, and the love is real, you'll be loving me for the person I am inside, and out.
In comparison to some, I'm living the high life, I have no problems, nothing to be worried about or scared of, but inside I'm completly terrified, and hate the majority of what's surrounding me. I'm confused, unconfident, and too imaginative to realise what's going on around me, to realise that I'm growing up at such a rapid rate. I like to go to bed thinking, that when I wake up tomorrow, every thing's going to be okay, I'll be satified with the reflection I see in the mirror when I go to brush my teeth....I wish for it every night, I have for years, the list of the changes I want made processing through my brain before I close my eyes, making sure I don't leave anything out incase my wish comes true. I do think that I've had my fair share of bad luck, and disatisfaction, though I'm not asking for sympathy, just understanding.
My emotions are locked behind closed doors to most people, but if I give you the key to open them, you'll find yourself holding the door wide open. I like to think I hide my emotions well, the few who get to see the true depth of how my mind works would beg to differ, because they've seen almost everything. Admitting I'm not emotionally stable enough to deal with loss, whether it were my sister, my boyfriend, even just a friend isn't easy, though I simply can not handle it even if I give it my all. I can't cope with having to fill even that tiniest gap in the bottom of my heart. The paranoia of someone leaving my side never goes away, it's constantly there behind me like a dark shadow standing next to me. I can't seem to find trust in people, so the thought of having to fill that little gap becomes even more terrifying....If I do manage to find that level of trust in a person that I need to connect with them on some level...there's no saying how long it will last, or even if I'm trusting and loving them for the right reasons.
The past few months has made my mind wonder a fair bit. There was a boy who I thought I trusted, who I thought I loved, and who I thought was the kind of boy who could make me happy, but he turned out to be the reason I was so miserable. He was a very stupid decision, with very bad timing, I think I just needed someone there for me. I'm not sure what I feel for him now? I know it's not good, that's for sure. I do miss him a lot though, despite the confrentation we had, I wish I could be his friend, as that's all I can see him as now days. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy now, I can't say I blame him...He's seen the worst of me, but then again, he didn't stick around to see the best.
For the past three years or so, I've been very depressed. Some are due to cercomstances you'd already know about, others due to some of my deepest secrets that I refuse to reveal to anyone on the planet. I do know I'm slowly getting better though, which I'm proud of, with no anti-depresants neccesary. I'm slowly becoming more social, like I used to be, having a lot more fun then I use to have that's for sure. I've recently met some amazing people who I'm getting closer to each and every day. I'm experiancing new things and trying to myself live life to the fullest, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job, after all this is the first Saturday night I've been home in weeks, that's certainly different to this time last year. I'm starting to get more comfortable with how I look, not happy, comfortable...I'm accepting that if I can't change it, I might as well embrace it. I'm not going to let anyone else put me down...if you love me, and the love is real, you'll be loving me for the person I am inside, and out.