Well, ya know, we all have these days every now and again... I'm feeling very disconnected right now, and out of it in every way you can fathom, so I'm just going to start typing ok? No structure, no meaning, no sense. Just boredom. But here goes.
Oi vey. I haven't felt this depressed in a long while. I tried to have a happy, and good birthday, and I definately did, thanks to some of my pals, especially CASeY, but today I'm just feeling really shitty. I don't know why. Whenever I get this depressed, I can't sleep at night, and then I sleep for like 12 hours in the day. Or just no sleep at all. I did that today, so I just woke up about an hour ago at 8 p.m. I was supposed to call Jem, Oryon, and I got a call from CASeY, I'm sorry guys, I was dead but I'm back from the grave! I feel really conflicted lately, because I've developed into such a damn hermit, and yet I really want to be the center of social attention like I was around five or six years ago. I kind of miss being the lifeblood of the party, being that guy that everybody is so happy to see. I've seen too much, and while I haven't been through exactly what some have, it's been enough to make me into a really hateful, bitter, lonely person. I also think I've seen some things most wouldn't even think of. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time 80% of the time..a good book, video game, or even just slack jawed tv zombification is fine by me any day of the week...but sigh. I don't know how to explain what I feel right now. I'd also really like a good girlfriend. I get rubbed the wrong way by like every girl I know except like two. Am I a bastard for this? A sexist pig? Just had my heart broken too much? Eh, prolly all of it. I'm starting to really miss what I used to have with someone....but like I said, they fucking suck...so it wouldn't be the same even if I did get with them. Oh well. lol Hey Jem here's a hint, Fatma*** fill in the blanks?
> That isn't even my main problem...what I mentioned before is. But then when I actually do go out with large groups and think it'll be fun...it always ends up feeling like a waste of my time (not that I'm more important mind you but...). And I just want to get out of there as quickly as possible. Last group gathering I actually enjoyed was with Jem, Oryon, and Razorsnatch. Jenn and the three drunk bitches and our bar hopping a couple of Fridays ago was fun as hell too. I always have fun there because they see how I do. (Jem and the truly outrageous gang that is) I would diagnose this as having problems in public, maybe even a fear of it...except that I'm not afraid of anything. So I don't think it can be anxiety classified. It's mostly a general hatred for the selfish morons I see EVERYwhere. Which I'm sure you understand and share with me, yes? My small handful of friends are the only people that appeal to me. They aren't like that, thank God. Not sheep lol. I think most all of them see things as I do, which duh, is why I'm friends with them. I'm really glad I have at least them, even if I don't see them as much as I'd like to because of my screwy schedule or lack thereof.
That's something else. I still don't know about my future, and as I grow steadily older and realize time isn't stopping just for me, I slowly freak out about what may end up happening to me. I lead almost a double life these past few years, one that nobody really knew all that much about and I kind of liked it that way. But it made me...not normal publically, it destroyed me going to schools and such and upholding that mundane schedule, and now I don't even have work, and making near 16 dollars an hour is pretty good...at that time in my life. I was making more at my old job than most of the 30 year olds and even a 50 year old manager. So being downsized unfairly so suddenly from a place I thought I had worked my way up through is really a shock that is just now dawning on me a month and a half after the fact. So that's bothersome as hell ya know? I feel like now, no matter where I go, it's gonna be like 5 or 6 an hour, for shit work and it just doesn't feel worth it. I'm 22, I should really be on my path. 95% of the people I know are. And while they might not be happy about their lives...at least they have some semblance of one. I've been living with that Fight Club mentaity (but WITH consumerism lol) for so long that the whole world seems very alien and strange to me. People doing things, sacrificing certain things, doing things they really aren't happy with to get shit they don't need...I just can't see myself going back to that way of life. I feel like a fighter type very much, have for years and years, since even before 17. Fight, kill, protect, get what you need, live with it. I mean I think deep, I'm not a total caveboy or anything, but...it's hard to explain, feeling like a combatant. I lived normal until I was about 17 I guess, and now more and more I see a mirrored shell of me in others, that I just can never go back to being. I'm not a normal person anymore, beyond that point. Or perhaps not beyond, but simplified TO that point? Heh. But, I'm actually glad for that... Some of you will know what I mean, others may think I'm insane. It's very hard to put to words exactly, because I'm feeling very out of it right now and this is a very spur of the moment typing session in the vain attempt of feeling better. It isn't working so far, and I'm starting to get so abstract that there may not be a point in typing anymore. Just not feeling so hot tonight. Hopefully it'll pass, as most of my deep depressions do. I may go out driving around the city tonight, I may stay in and play a video game, or I may be online...so just feel free to call my cell if you have the number, or just IM me or whatever if you wanna see if I'm around. I'm a hard bastard to get in touch with, I know...sometimes I just dissapear, again, sorry for that. Sometimes it's what I need. Oh yeah, I got Metallica tickets for November, I'm looking forward to that. I was going to bring either of my past two girlfriends, but I've gone through women like PS2 games the past 2 years I've had these tickets reserved, so yeah lol. First come, first serve, ask if you wanna go, ticket is 65 bucks, well worth it and fairly close to the stage. Their reunion tour last summer was the greatest show I've seen in my life, and I'm sure this one will be damn good too. Well, that's about it...time to go do whatever lol. Just thought I'd share. This is all stuff everybody goes through for the most part, and I sure don't think I'm anything special by any damn means. I just felt like venting...so please ignore if you think me a fool. So long!
Oi vey. I haven't felt this depressed in a long while. I tried to have a happy, and good birthday, and I definately did, thanks to some of my pals, especially CASeY, but today I'm just feeling really shitty. I don't know why. Whenever I get this depressed, I can't sleep at night, and then I sleep for like 12 hours in the day. Or just no sleep at all. I did that today, so I just woke up about an hour ago at 8 p.m. I was supposed to call Jem, Oryon, and I got a call from CASeY, I'm sorry guys, I was dead but I'm back from the grave! I feel really conflicted lately, because I've developed into such a damn hermit, and yet I really want to be the center of social attention like I was around five or six years ago. I kind of miss being the lifeblood of the party, being that guy that everybody is so happy to see. I've seen too much, and while I haven't been through exactly what some have, it's been enough to make me into a really hateful, bitter, lonely person. I also think I've seen some things most wouldn't even think of. Don't get me wrong, I love my alone time 80% of the time..a good book, video game, or even just slack jawed tv zombification is fine by me any day of the week...but sigh. I don't know how to explain what I feel right now. I'd also really like a good girlfriend. I get rubbed the wrong way by like every girl I know except like two. Am I a bastard for this? A sexist pig? Just had my heart broken too much? Eh, prolly all of it. I'm starting to really miss what I used to have with someone....but like I said, they fucking suck...so it wouldn't be the same even if I did get with them. Oh well. lol Hey Jem here's a hint, Fatma*** fill in the blanks?
> That isn't even my main problem...what I mentioned before is. But then when I actually do go out with large groups and think it'll be fun...it always ends up feeling like a waste of my time (not that I'm more important mind you but...). And I just want to get out of there as quickly as possible. Last group gathering I actually enjoyed was with Jem, Oryon, and Razorsnatch. Jenn and the three drunk bitches and our bar hopping a couple of Fridays ago was fun as hell too. I always have fun there because they see how I do. (Jem and the truly outrageous gang that is) I would diagnose this as having problems in public, maybe even a fear of it...except that I'm not afraid of anything. So I don't think it can be anxiety classified. It's mostly a general hatred for the selfish morons I see EVERYwhere. Which I'm sure you understand and share with me, yes? My small handful of friends are the only people that appeal to me. They aren't like that, thank God. Not sheep lol. I think most all of them see things as I do, which duh, is why I'm friends with them. I'm really glad I have at least them, even if I don't see them as much as I'd like to because of my screwy schedule or lack thereof.
That's something else. I still don't know about my future, and as I grow steadily older and realize time isn't stopping just for me, I slowly freak out about what may end up happening to me. I lead almost a double life these past few years, one that nobody really knew all that much about and I kind of liked it that way. But it made me...not normal publically, it destroyed me going to schools and such and upholding that mundane schedule, and now I don't even have work, and making near 16 dollars an hour is pretty good...at that time in my life. I was making more at my old job than most of the 30 year olds and even a 50 year old manager. So being downsized unfairly so suddenly from a place I thought I had worked my way up through is really a shock that is just now dawning on me a month and a half after the fact. So that's bothersome as hell ya know? I feel like now, no matter where I go, it's gonna be like 5 or 6 an hour, for shit work and it just doesn't feel worth it. I'm 22, I should really be on my path. 95% of the people I know are. And while they might not be happy about their lives...at least they have some semblance of one. I've been living with that Fight Club mentaity (but WITH consumerism lol) for so long that the whole world seems very alien and strange to me. People doing things, sacrificing certain things, doing things they really aren't happy with to get shit they don't need...I just can't see myself going back to that way of life. I feel like a fighter type very much, have for years and years, since even before 17. Fight, kill, protect, get what you need, live with it. I mean I think deep, I'm not a total caveboy or anything, but...it's hard to explain, feeling like a combatant. I lived normal until I was about 17 I guess, and now more and more I see a mirrored shell of me in others, that I just can never go back to being. I'm not a normal person anymore, beyond that point. Or perhaps not beyond, but simplified TO that point? Heh. But, I'm actually glad for that... Some of you will know what I mean, others may think I'm insane. It's very hard to put to words exactly, because I'm feeling very out of it right now and this is a very spur of the moment typing session in the vain attempt of feeling better. It isn't working so far, and I'm starting to get so abstract that there may not be a point in typing anymore. Just not feeling so hot tonight. Hopefully it'll pass, as most of my deep depressions do. I may go out driving around the city tonight, I may stay in and play a video game, or I may be online...so just feel free to call my cell if you have the number, or just IM me or whatever if you wanna see if I'm around. I'm a hard bastard to get in touch with, I know...sometimes I just dissapear, again, sorry for that. Sometimes it's what I need. Oh yeah, I got Metallica tickets for November, I'm looking forward to that. I was going to bring either of my past two girlfriends, but I've gone through women like PS2 games the past 2 years I've had these tickets reserved, so yeah lol. First come, first serve, ask if you wanna go, ticket is 65 bucks, well worth it and fairly close to the stage. Their reunion tour last summer was the greatest show I've seen in my life, and I'm sure this one will be damn good too. Well, that's about it...time to go do whatever lol. Just thought I'd share. This is all stuff everybody goes through for the most part, and I sure don't think I'm anything special by any damn means. I just felt like venting...so please ignore if you think me a fool. So long!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
It's always good to let go and rant every now and again, that's for sure.
Sorry I haven't been around for a bit. I'm lazy. =^_~=
Sorry again that you haven't been feeling well. I think growing up really does that to you. I've felt weird like that in old social situations and I'm only 19!
Let's face it, we're old farts.
Well, unfortunately, I can't write more. I've got surgery tomorrow (check my journal) and NEED to go to bed.
*huggles* Feel better...
Ja!