5 days of me and Nathan being split and I'm full of opposing feelings and thoughts. This morning I awoke after a really intense and vivid dream of Nathan getting with someone else a few days after our split and introducing me to her at some weird morbid street carnival with everyone trying to get on buses and people fighting and pushing and shoving over taxis in the street. I'd been in a taxi previously and was now myself trying to frantically get one. It was and got a lot weirder but that's not the important part. The important part was how I felt in the dream - extremely jealous and regretful with awful realization of what I threw away. In the dream, I liked and got on with the new girl instantly, but in the hustle and bustle I was secretly trying to get rid of her and lose her, booking her on taxi's we weren't going, trying to direct her in the wrong direction, putting blame on her so the burly dude's that were previously after my blood (for being in some weird house/hotel type place and witnessing something I shouldn't have) were now out to kill her instead. It was all very weird and quite traumatizing in the dream - only ever just getting away from sticky or dangerous situations. Anyway's in the morning I had overwhelming feelings full or regret and like I had made a mistake. I missed him and wanted him back.
However tonight, the sulking and skulking around and mopeyness (real word?) drives me insane. I get that feeling I get in my chest and throat that gradually increases in time just waiting to explode. It's awful. My heart races and I feel like I'm a boiling kettle. My head pounds, my thought's race and I try to block out any sound from the culprit incase the beast within is released. The unjustifiable or pointless questions, or questions with obvious answers increases all those feelings plus more. The timer is set, and it's just a matter of time now before it goes off. Upon noticing the ticking bomb in the corner, culprit retreats to bed . I'm left full of rage. Rage rage rage. An emotion I wish I could control.
I leave confused.
However tonight, the sulking and skulking around and mopeyness (real word?) drives me insane. I get that feeling I get in my chest and throat that gradually increases in time just waiting to explode. It's awful. My heart races and I feel like I'm a boiling kettle. My head pounds, my thought's race and I try to block out any sound from the culprit incase the beast within is released. The unjustifiable or pointless questions, or questions with obvious answers increases all those feelings plus more. The timer is set, and it's just a matter of time now before it goes off. Upon noticing the ticking bomb in the corner, culprit retreats to bed . I'm left full of rage. Rage rage rage. An emotion I wish I could control.
I leave confused.
liv:
fuck! Try to vent all that rage in a way that dont damage you or others... confusion sucks in know pretty well...I wish we lived closer.
