lashes

It's been a pretty shit week to say the least. Matt still doesn't want to speak to me. I'm suh a mug though - always put up with his shit and always take him back. We should have split up months ago, but I always live in the hope that he will change - or at least grow a heart. Never in my life have I met someone so insensitive and heartless. He'll say the most horrible and hurtful things, but nothing - no guilt, no apology, nothing. He genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with any of the thngs he says or do to me (or doesn't do). It's not even big things, just little things.. but they matter a hell of a lot to me. He hardly ever asks me how I am or how my day went. And whatever I do say he has no interest in, or it's bullshit or I havent said it properly. Snaps at me all the time. God forbid I do the fucking same. He's definitely no gentleman. We never do anything (mainly cos he hasn't got a job and he's skint). Even when he is working though we hardly do, cos whatever I suggest is shit or "i don't want to". So I've gotten in the habit of always asking him what HE wants to do... "I dunno."/"nothing." Where do you want to go? Where do you want to sit? "nothing"/"Don't care"/"You choose". So I do.. but no, if i suggest something it's crap, or he doesnt want to sit there, or he doesnt want to go there blah blah blah. If you don't want to sit there and you want to sit oer there then why don't you just say so in the fucking first place instead of starting another fucking pointless row about it?! The other day I was paying a bill... any gentleman would wait, fuck it anyBODY would wait.. but not Matt, he was already gone, half way down the fucking road. He's always in a fucking mood and never happy - even when he has a job. I'm forver trying to make him happy though, asking him how he is ect etc, just the usual stuff. Except if I'm having a shit day (which is often to be fair but I normally hide it well) he calls me neurotic and if he does (surprise surprise) ask me what's up then i'm either called stupid, or he won't even listen or whatever problem I do say i'm having he'll just be a complete prick about it. Howver small or patheitc his problems are, everyime I do my best to make things better.. even if it's just getting out the house or something. Never would I belittle him - especially in front of his friends. I know i should just walk away and let him get on with the rest or sad patheric excuse for a life, but i love him - and man i wish i fucking didn't. I often wish i was heartless and cared about no-one but myself like him - woud certainly make leaving him for good a hell of a lot easier. I just wanna be happy ya know and have someone care about me, do things for me for a change - it's not too much to fucking ask is it.


One of my old college friends died on Tuesday. Granted I hadn't seen her for a few months, but we were still in touch and when we were at college and a few months after, we were good mates. I taught her how to do her eye make-up. Anyways, so I go to Matt's for some comfort and stuff (like you do) and what does he say? "When did you last see her though?! It's not like you were close" I try to explain to him that just cos you've lost touch with someone doesn't make it any easier when they die. I probably didn't get a chance to finish my sentence (as usual) before he chipped in "People die everyday. Get over it." Apparently I'm not allowed to be upset cos i hadnt seen her for a while and apparently i was just using her death as an excuse?! I'm sorry, but i don't get kicks out of pretending to be upset - i'd definitely rather not be upset. I was upset for many reasons though. Obviously the fact that Kirsty had died. That she had a 7 year old son. For her family. And the fact that death can sneak up on you at any point ( she was 29, in good health and had a heart attack). And I just generally don't like death. Even my mum was upset and she only met her once. I'm sure in Matt's eyes you have to have known someone for your entire life to be able to get upset when they pass away. Hell, would he even be upset if I did? Probably not.