I am twenty two years old. I probably came on-line cognitively around six or seven, and I think I must have understood what "fat" was by then. So, if you subtract seven from twenty two, you could say I thought I was fat for about fifteen years? And I don't say that so that people will comment and tell me I'm skinny or hot or sexy or whatever compliment you think I'm fishing for. I say that because this community has actively and consistently refuted all my worst ideas about myself and I think that's why I got involved, here, and I am indebted to all of you. I've always had "dancer's legs" and a lot of you have even commented on my posts about my legs or my thighs, even though in the first year or two that I was on SG I used apps to edit photos to make my legs look smaller. I used to ask photographers to take photos out of sets where I felt they looked too big. I thought my boobs were too small and my butt was too big and since I'm not the kind of college student who can afford breast implants (does that kind of college student exist?) I felt the solution was to make my bottom half smaller. So I didn't eat, or I'd drink tea that I knew would make me sick. Or I'd go on incredibly restrictive diets and count calories and work out twice a day. Disordered eating, is the term I use. Technically I have never had an eating disorder, and to those who struggle with that, I hope you know that this community heals. Or at least it helps.
My most recent set is really really really important to me. As a lot of you have noticed, the first few photos are basically just THIGHS. Full disclosure: my first reaction upon seeing the finished set was to ask @smashbase to take them out. But I didn't. And I don't fully understand why I didn't, because the girl I know myself to have been for the last fifteen years or so would definitely have asked. It might have been about not wanting to annoy the photographer, or trying to seem cooler than I am. But I also think there was something about these photos and this set that made it impossible for me to focus on my insecurities, and I think that @smashbase did this amazing thing where he centered me in his lens exactly as I am and somehow convinced even me that I'm beautiful. These photos are honest and they're real and when I look at them I see me instead of seeing some pretty girl I don't connect with and staring at her wondering how she is related to me. Which happens sometimes. So, to the photographer who made this thing, you straight up spun stars from dust and I don't know how you did it but I love you for it. When I was in Detroit for this, I remember speaking with him and @Lady about our sets on SG and about editing and @lady said something that stuck with me. It's been nearly a year so I'll paraphrase: These are intimate moments. When you are being intimate with someone, do you notice their flaws or imperfections? No you fucking don't. You look at them and you see a perfect human in that moment. And when you remember that moment, it's flawless. So why would our sets reflect anything other than the perfect magic of an intimate moment? I loved that.
I love all my sets, honestly. And I know the girls in them are all me. But I think they reflect this fear that I had of looking the way I look. They reflect my first diet at 10 years old and my mom telling me I shouldn't wear my stripped dress because it made my hips look too wide. And bless my mother, she made me tough and strong but she struggled with her body and daughters catch that shit like a fucking disease. If you're still reading (Jesus why? don't you have something better to do? You could always just wait for the movie to come out) you can easily look back through the rest of my sets and see the ways I angled my body to avoid admitting this thing I hated about myself when I should have been celebrating myself and my unique body and all the things it can do. There are people who cant fucking walk and I spent fifteen years being sad about my stupid legs. FUCK THAT.
I know this narrative is not unique but in part that's why I'm going to articulate it right now, because there are probably a billion other people who can relate to this. Also, because I want you fucking people to understand why and how you make my life better even if I never meet you. You do. Thank you again, @smashbase and @lady and @skella who was on this adventure with me and without which this set never would have been created. She is an incredibly encouraging person and I don't think I ever vocalized a body-insecurity around her that was not immediately shot down by a "you're beautiful shut up." And @sylah who in the year and some change that I have known her has become one of the most positive forces in my life and who NEVER lets me speak badly about myself. I think if you surround yourself with people like that, eventually you believe them. AND THAT IS WHAT SG IS. It is an amazing community of people chorusing over and over "shut up. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."
So thanks, SG community. You made me believe you.
