People who don't let their mental illness hold them back make the people who do incredibly uncomfortable. It's hard to live with anxiety. It's hard to live with depression. It's hard to live with personality disorders and it's hard to live with trauma. But there is such a division between the people who struggle with these things and hide from the things they're afraid of as a result, and the people who struggle with them and fight for their goddamn lives.
I will always fight for my fucking life.
I will always fight for stability and I will always put one foot in front of the other no matter how much resistance I face. And I won't fucking fight with you. If you are someone who wants to sit in a closet strung with fairly lights listening to the tumblr crap that tells you to make a pillow fort and eat your feelings inside of it until you miraculously feel better. I won't fight with you. You can be that person. But don't criticize me or resent me for not making the same choice. And do not expect me to come and sit in there with you if I have shit to do out here.
I keep encountering this. And the insane thing to me is that people have the nerve to say I don't understand. Trust me. I understand. When I say I've fought for my life I mean I have LITERALLY fought, tooth and nail, for my life. For years. I've fought to reclaim it from depression and anxious fears and suicidal thoughts and voices in corners of my head I still can't completely clear out. I've fought to buy my brain back from trauma and exposure to things I wish I could forget. I've fought to live a normal and productive life.
I'm a dual major (art history & anyhropology) with a minor in world languages. I work, and I volunteer. I'm not hiding. I refuse to. I'm terrified of ordering in new restaurants but I still go. I sit in my car for sometimes up to an hour outside the gym before I go in because it's scary. But I go in. I don't like talking in class and I'd prefer to not merge into the left lane while driving. But I do it anyway.
I'm blind in my left eye and I think it's a really good metaphor. I went partially blind after a really severe head trauma when I was young. I had to relearn most, if not all, of my cognitive skills, and I spent years in physical as well as cognitive therapy, working to be able to do things the other kids could do. After all the effort I put forth to adjust and when I remember how hard that was, it stings when people tell me I can't do things because of it. I worked so fucking hard. I can do anything a fully sighted person can do. Often times I can do them better. I could've chosen not to learn to drive because of my eye, but I didn't. I could've chosen not to play sports in high school or catch up after missing a full year of grade school. But I didn't, and I graduated with my class nine years later, regardless. Don't tell me I cant do things or make fun of me for being blind when you have no idea what I went through and when you can SEE me out here doing things like anyone else. Similarly if you see someone you know is fighting mental illness like a boss, don't insult them by asking them to stop fighting their demons just to relate better to your refusal to face yours.
Excuses are some weak shit. This has been my rant about that. I might not be the most pleasant person to be around but I don't care. I can do, and have done, everything I have ever decided I was going to. And I'll keep doing that. Because fuck mental illness and fuck people who tell you to sit down when you know you're strong enough to stand.
