laphroaig

Sitting in my room and staring at the wall......Hell my life rocks Im a bit old for teenage angst! ha.

Well I wrote my blog, got a text from my Bro in law, and went out...FAIL! I should not be drinking right now....Went to this pub Ive been going to little Bluegrass boozer. Met these Anarcho-Punks that took me to a party the first week I got here...that was nice. Drank far too much and feel like crap today...still determined to go to the Gym, but Im beginning to think I am heading down an unstoppable path of self destruction, a wave of mutilation. Its the girl I was dating's Birthday tomorrow, and I stupidly sent her a present yesterday - Id bought it a few weeks ago. I put a note in with it....Hope your good, call me etc.....Im just trying to hurt myself at this rate! Still it was her making plans for us not me.......aaaaarrrrggghhhhh!

Just want to stop breathing at the moment...I guess I dont mean this really but I am just sick of my life, being lonely and alone. I love it down here, but it is no life for a singleton, who has little friends down here...just drinking buddies! Im beginning to get more and more panic attacks and just want to run away.where to though.

Ive got a job now, and I will be alright, just need to stop partying so hard. Its so desperate its sad. Every night I go out, im looking for potential dates, now that is pathetic. Ive never been this person and dont really recognize myself right now. Generally Im positive, outgoing and need no-one, I want to be around people generally, dont need to.

I havent watched a TV for 3 months, which is a great thing, but I also havent played video games. I miss my cats beyond beliefI even though, for all of 30 seconds, how easy it would be to go back to my old life with her. Its just the fact I had a house that was mine, cats, my own space when I needed it. Im currently hiding in my room until my landlord goes out. Want to avoid conversation as he makes me almost justify my existenceI cant deal with that right now! Im a headcase, still I am me! I cant wait to regroup my thoughts and personality, after this charade is over I am either going to be so strong it is ridiculous or have a mental breakdown..its 50/50 right now!

Still havent eaten properly......need to sort this shit out!