Relationships are difficult. They can be messy at times and full of potholes, but that does not mean they aren't worth it in the long run. Before my father passed away, he would tell me "Yes your mom and and I have a lot of differences, and yes she is a total dork, but she is my dork and I wouldn't want it any other way. We might not agree on everything and we might have our bad moments, but not having those things in a relationship isn't healthy." He told me this when I was 12 and I got my first "boyfriend" (after picking up a hammer he was working with and saying "....where is he.....").
People try to find a formula for love especially after one fails. They start thinking "If only I had done this" or "If only I hadn't done that maybe it would have worked". But love is not an "if, then" formula, it's more like experimenting with a new dish in the kitchen, not knowing if it's going to turn out delicious or start a small fire.
Even if you follow the same recipe to a tee every time you cook, the outcomes will always be slightly different, and the same goes for relationships. Just because you follow the directions you've seen work in other relationships or your past relationships doesn't mean it will work out, because everyone is different and people are unpredictable. We are always growing, and as we grow, we change, we want different things, and we make mistakes.
So what do you need for a delicious dish? Here's what I think.
Ingredients:
-Compassion
-Patience
-Communication
-Trust
-Appreciation
-Forgivness
Directions:
1) Never forget to be compassionate. This is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. When your significant other is struggling, be tender. Be warm. Be sympathetic to what they are going through, even if you don't understand it, even if you feel as if you would not be upset under the same circumstances. Because you must understand that sometimes in a relationship, things are not just about you. Show that you care by expressing concern and kindness, while also showing sensitivity. Remember, you are a team. And you must give love and support your team member in their time of need. Comfort them; buy them their favorite ice cream and hold them close.
2) Remind yourself to be patient. Have the capacity to remain calm and composed in moments of stress instead of lashing out or getting upset. Patience is not always sitting and waiting; sometimes it is foreseeing. It is looking into the darkness and seeing sunlight. Even when things seem to be at their worst, remember that nothing in nature blooms all year. Be patient with the one you love, and be patient with yourself. Remember, love is patient, love is kind.
3) Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. Communication to a relationship is like water to plants; without it, it will wither and eventually die. Never hold in how you feel, express it to your significant other. Discuss what's on your mind instead of letting it eat at you. Talk about what you need to talk about, the good and the bad. Remember to converse like adults instead of jumping to arguing. And also remember that communication goes both ways. You must learn to listen, I mean really listen, to what your significant other has to say. Listen with intent to understand, not just reply.
4) In relationships, it is important for both partners to trust and be trusted; to be able to open up and show vulnerability to each other. Building lasting trust requires mutual commitment. Trust cannot be built if only one side is willing to do so. Sometimes, you need to push aside your insignificant worries, and have trust in your partners ability, strength, and love for you. If your trust has been broken in a past relationship, I understand that putting your trust into someone new is difficult. You must remember that not everybody is your ex, and you cannot make assumptions about someone based on the actions of a completely different person. Trust starts with your ability to hold yourself up when you've convinced yourself you're about to drown. Do not allow fear, insecurities, or the past block your ability to trust in the present. When you put your entire being into the one you love, there will be no room for lack of trust.
5) Appreciate the things your significant other does. Appreciate every tiny and seemingly minuscule action that your partner does for you. It will make them feel good inside, it will make them feel better about themselves. Let your partner know that they are not being taken for granted. Express your love for your significant other regularly, and appreciate the love that they continuously give back to you. This will help your relationship evolve, and help keep that spark alive.
6) Open your heart to forgiveness, because you will always need a lot of it in a relationship (no matter how good or healthy), and the same goes for your partner. Refusing to forgive the one you love is the equivalent to drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. Forgiveness has nothing to do with how wrong someone was. It does not mean that their behavior was okay or excusable. Forgiveness is lifting the weight from your chest and move on. It's moving forward instead of standing still. Everyone has faults. Everyone makes mistakes. Do not cling to the faults and mistakes of the one you love. Your relationship is alive and constantly growing. Learn from it, and let it go.
These are the things that I believe can make a lasting, healthy relationship. But like I mentioned earlier, even if you put all of these things into your relationship, it doesn't mean that the relationship will 100% work out, because sometimes there is just no logic to these things. As James Frey would say, "Sometimes skulls are thick. Sometimes hearts are vacant. Sometimes words don't work." And that doesn't mean that it's your fault. But it's up to you to put in the effort and try, but also realize if the other person isn't trying. If the other person isn't trying, you need to learn to let them go. Why waste your precious time on someone that isn't showing any effort?
So next time, if something goes wrong, it doesn't necessarily mean that you did something wrong. Sometimes things just are not meant to be. But don't let that discourage you, because I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. Maybe you won't find them today, maybe you won't find them tomorrow, maybe you won't even find them a year from now. But one day you will find someone you are meant to be with. You will finally understand why it never worked with anyone else; because while each person that comes and goes from your life is important (each leaves you with a lesson), you will realize that they were merely tourists, merely house guests and visitants. When you find this person, hold them tightly. Cherish them. And of course, remember to follow this recipe.
Lastly, I want to remind you to not be afraid of love, even if it has burned you 100 times. Because what is love without a little heat? You must not be afraid to play with the fire inside someones soul, inside your own soul. If you go the rest of your life fearing the scorch of loves flame, then you will never truly know love at all.
@rambo @missy
