laine666

i liked that last entry, but it's time to move on.
Move on to less happy and therefore less interesting things.
i feel like i want to cry. almost all of the time. home, work, where ever.
went to one of my old haunts this afternoon and the smell there was staggering. it always is. i sat in my car, gathering up the strength to get out. to face my past. and the smell there was almost enough to make me get back in the car. what am i doing?
why do i do this to myself?
i could have gone elswhere. in fact, i probably never have to go there ever again. but back i go. i like to remember. there was a time when i had everything. i was in love. i still am, i guess. Everyday i want to call him, but i know i can't. It will hurt too much. I torture myself about these things. I hold on to the past, and dont see any hope in the future.
that is true.
i dont.
i dont think i will get better. i dont think i will ever find someone. i dont think things will change.
i hate myself.
i do. and if dont even like me, how can i expect anyone else to.
i dont
i dont trust when people say otherwise. i can't believe them. things are so bad today. i really dont know what to do.
i feel like i want to do something stupid. after a lifetime of feeling like this all i want is some relief. a break from feeling like this. a break from everything and everyone.



i am sorry for this.
sorry for everything
monumentally sorry for being alive.
sorry for who you all think i am.
i dont think that any of that is me. i dont know what is me.

please dont feel like you have to leave encouraging words. i just needed a place to let some things go.