lagmy

earlier tonight I went to a poster presentation for the Art Therapy study I did. it's at a small local college. Well, i went, and it was so odd to see a Poster presentation that was in part about me. it was like looking from the outside in. I was really really curious to see what "C" had said about me and my work. She had also kept a response journal in which she did art after each of our meetings, and in response to our interviews and stuff.

I said hello to "C"," met her husband and a few other people, and It was time to actually check it out. i started choking up as I finally walked up to the table. looking at the board, at my work and my brother's, it became surreal. I started through "C"s journal, and her section about herself was rough, but when it came to my section, I was floored. MIdway through my section, "C" came up and handed me my brother's work to give back to him when I see him this weekend. I couldn't even look at her, but I think she saw the tears welling in my eyes.

It was like a car crash. I couldn't look away, I had to look through all of it. I made it through mine and my brother's, and by that point, i couldn't see anymore. I quickly walked out of the little area, and up to the side, near a chapel. they had a few religious icons on the wall, and a huge one of those marble balls with the water flowing. I pretended to look at those, to try and calm down, but it wasn't working. I slipped into the chapel (nondenominational!) and checked to make sure no one else was in there. I found this odd little nook I could hide in. I didn't want people to talk to me right then, I didn't want anyone to know that that stuff was about me right then. Not that I am ashamed in the least, but I didn't want to have to explain "what was wrong," Nothing was wrong.

i got my composure back, and went back out. "C" knew exactly what happened and started apologizing. I told her not to worry, and Thank you for doing this project. I told her it was a good thing, a good response, a healthy response. She was genuinely worried, for sure, and I felt so bad. I just wasn't ready to look at that book, but I had to.

My friend went along, and she looked through the book. I couldn't even go near the poster again, because as I got closer, tears would just start welling up, so I waited a little bit away. when she was done, I saw she was reacting too. The ride home was pretty quiet. I cracked a few jokes to try and lighten the mood. Part of me had wanted to go to this by myself for this very reason. It's not a light topic by any means, and not one that many people understand.

i was supposed to work on freelance tonight, but I couldn't. I cleaned around the house, effed around on the internet, tried to give leash some comments on her latest poster (hope they helped a little!!). I just couldn't think, though. so much going through my head.

and of course, I'm up far too late. oh well, vacation in 3 days!!!

If you'd like to know what the art project was, i wrote about it in around January 19th.