okay...
I'm feeling very vulnerable right now, I feel lost, like I don't even matter. I feel disappointed in myself, I know my mom feels disappointed in me, I feel like she thinks I could have been better or smarter or prettier, anything other than what I am...
I'm embarrassed at what I am, How i've let myself go, the other day I thought about killing myself again but than I yelled at myself because I can't let myself fall apart again, somebody on chat asked why I have such a sunny dispostion but the truth is I don't, I hide how much I hate myself, so much easier to pretend that I am happy than to let the feeling of being numb sink in. I am so numb.
I came on here to make friends to meet people who just wanted to hang and joke around and honestly the guys pming me on chat really grossed me out....made me remember when I was little and my step-brother and his friend told me how 'beautiful' I was and they deserved to see how 'beautiful' I really was... I can't be sexual with guys now, whenever the subject comes up I freeze, the only way I can get into it now is if somebody holds me down, somebody pushes me into a wall, smashes my face against the floor. what guy wants to be with that? What guy wants to be with a fake girl who pretends she is happy, pretends she is cute. I feel ashamed about who I am, I feel as like I am screaming and no one hears, when I tried to kill myself two years ago no one even noticed I was gone...I honestly can't say im surprised....
I'm feeling very vulnerable right now, I feel lost, like I don't even matter. I feel disappointed in myself, I know my mom feels disappointed in me, I feel like she thinks I could have been better or smarter or prettier, anything other than what I am...
I'm embarrassed at what I am, How i've let myself go, the other day I thought about killing myself again but than I yelled at myself because I can't let myself fall apart again, somebody on chat asked why I have such a sunny dispostion but the truth is I don't, I hide how much I hate myself, so much easier to pretend that I am happy than to let the feeling of being numb sink in. I am so numb.
I came on here to make friends to meet people who just wanted to hang and joke around and honestly the guys pming me on chat really grossed me out....made me remember when I was little and my step-brother and his friend told me how 'beautiful' I was and they deserved to see how 'beautiful' I really was... I can't be sexual with guys now, whenever the subject comes up I freeze, the only way I can get into it now is if somebody holds me down, somebody pushes me into a wall, smashes my face against the floor. what guy wants to be with that? What guy wants to be with a fake girl who pretends she is happy, pretends she is cute. I feel ashamed about who I am, I feel as like I am screaming and no one hears, when I tried to kill myself two years ago no one even noticed I was gone...I honestly can't say im surprised....