lackadaisiac

I'm so upset its making me physically ill, to the point were I think I might vomit. Twice tonight at work I was so overwhelmed by imagined scenarios I lost the use of my legs and almost collapsed. I'm mentally exhausted....

I want to soak my brain in alcohol and wring out the thoughts, like dirty water from a sponge.

I want to curl up in the arms of some large, ambiguous, warm, dark body.

I want to fall into the center of the earth.

I want to know how it feels to see my lifes blood drain from my body and know that eventually, I will be free from the burden of thought.




I think I'll just settle for working on my design and drinking until I can't move.

I hate walking into a room where she is. Talking to someone about how wonderful I am and how great I am to her. I hate thinking about the possibility that she is willing to shit all over me. I hate all of these things but can't help love her with all my heart.

All of these thoughts probably mean nothing. I hope and know I'm most likely overreacting. I'm probably just fucked in the head. After rereading the last couple of sentences I know that the possibility is more than I had originally thought. Time can only tell and each minute is slicing deeper into my heart. I don't know what to do and I feel incredibly lost right now. I've never been in love with anyone before, I'm twenty-six, and I know how rare it is. I hope she comes home tonight, she hasn't called and I'm not sure she will...