laceyk

LIke everyone else on the East coast I will comment on the snow

It is finally snowing and that makes me domestic. So, a chicken with cranberry stuffing is in the oven. The house smells like winter, and that is a wonderful thing.

Santa brought me Bailey's so a hot chocolate with a few shots of that in it will be in store for later.

Unfortunately, anti_duff has come down with the flu. So he is stuck at home. I wish there is something I can do, but he has family with him - so hopefully they are sufficiently annoying him during his few awake times.

I never fully got into the Christmas spirit this year. I swear it is because I didn't have a tree. I must ensure I don't get that lazy again. Every year I don't have a tree I just can't get into the full spirit. But it was a lovely day anyway.

Family is crazy, and as long as you go into remembering that - to me you can actually find humor in the assinine.

Here is my main issue - which I think I must write about twice a year.
At times I feel like I am not living life enough. Not sure if that makes sense. But for instance I am home with my mom (who we just learned will be with us for a few more years, when at the beginning of the summer we weren't sure if she would be here for xmas), and I spend time with her and the bf, but then go and do my own thing in my room.

And I can't help but wonder - am I wasting precious time? Should I be trying to fill every day with family, friends, events? Part of me worries I am wasting time and life. The other part though says that part of life sometimes is zoning out playing video games or watching "Everyone Loves Raymond".

I feel like it is a balance. But I fear that I will have regrets in the future. Than I figure that everyone has regrets.

I don't know, blame the damn holidays, snow, and darkness for the philosophical junk that runs through my head.

I did write to local folk (that could walk here) to see if they wanted to come for chicken, but most were set on spending the day in their pjs. And I must say that sounded like an excellant plan to me!


In addition, there are two points in my life lately that I have been thinking bout lately and how I wish I could back in time and chose the opposite path (like those old books, where you would have to make a decision and then turn to page 24 or something, but you would always leave your finger in the decision page, in case it ended the story). I am curious as to what would have happened if I had done a few things differently.

Finally, on Christmas Eve we visited my Grandma's grave. The last time I visited was on Labor Day when i went to the local fair. At that time I sat on her grave and spoke to her, and hot tears came down my face. And I swear I could feel here. There was just an energy. So this time I tried to tap back into feeling her.

I am not a fool I understand that all that is there is a box with some bones and dust in it. But I cna't help but wonder if being near ones old physical body still helps you to reach them mentally. And I know for some they think this is all junk. But for me, I swear I could feel it.

The one thing I wish is that I had a cassette tape with her voice on it. I can't remember it. Or I don't think I do. I want to remember her voice.