la_maga

I've been worrying for the same damn exam for two straight weeks, driving my boyfriend and my parents crazy and making a big deal out of it. Today I was going to take the TOEFL, the English exam required in the States to enter college or any other educational institution. I paid 170 $ to do it. In the last 4 days I've been feeling almost sick about the whole situation knowing that I wasn't prepared, that it was a lot of money, that I would have to go back to Brooklyn while I was having a great time away from it... It just made me extremely anxious. I decided 100 times I wouldn't go but then thought it wouldn't be fair for my parents who can't afford that many expenses. So I take a bus at 7.30pm to go to NY and the subway (aaaaarrrghhh) to get to my apartment in Brooklyn. I see my roommates. I hate being there. I get to my room and realize the evidence of having had a lof of people sleeping over my sheets and messing all my stuff around. I don't even want to get into that bed. My roommates start playing music very loud (you can't even hear yourself when they play) and I have an exam at 7.30 in the morning in another part of Brooklyn. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. Some conversation makes me be even more stressed out and I go for a walk, hoping that fresh air will change my state of humour. I can only think of leaving, leaving, leaving, not going back, I can't believe how I came to this... It would be stupid to think that I felt like that only because of an exam. Too many thoughts attacking me, too many things to think about to realize that there's something terribly wrong in all the decisions you are making. I go back to the apartment, they are still playing. It's 4am. I have to wake up in 2 hours. I start writing something to post here and I get frustrated because I hate trying to express myself in this language. I want to practice for the test and I see that I left my books in PA. Wow! It's 6 in the morning already. I start thinking this is the worst experience in the last year, which is a lot. I take a shower for like 20 min, what makes me be late already. I go grab a coffee while listening to Modest Mouse to recreate a better environment. I don't have my wallet. I don't have my keys... Finally somebody lets me in and I go running take everything and I take a cab. I start thinking that it won't be that bad, I've being doing all of this to make this exam. I get to the Test Center. They check my ID. It says "Eva Maria Soto Perell". In the registration I wrote "Eva Maria Soto P.", they never asked me for my second last name in the States. The woman gets all rude and tells me to leave, I can't take the exam because how is she gonna know it's the same person. I have to reschedule and pay 170$ again. WTF???? I flip out. I just wanted to punch her or something, but I leave the place instead. I sit down in front of the building and I just want to cry...

Why am I doing all this? I don't even enjoy writing in English... I don't even like the whole college system in this country... I don't even know what I'm doing after my trip to Venezuela... I just feel like running away from everything, not knowing how to take it anymore. So much effort for something I don't even believe in... I'm just making up time till some good plan comes out. I... don't want to feel like this anymore. I know I have a plan for the following summer but I really don't know what to do with my life till then.

Bah, sorry, I'll get to be much more positive next time. I'll write about my next two projects that I'm excited about, and I would love to see suggestions and other comments. They will be all excitement and happiness, nothing like this last entry.