Thursday Nov 25, 2010

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**EDIT** Its snowing!!! I had to add these





I love the snow!!

I've realized something. Nothing happy go lucky, or professions of love ( even though I'm so deeply in ). I have been diagnosed with everything but this in the past, but have maintained this is what I really have

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.[n 1] The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[1]


I discovered this by studying mental illness at school, talking to people with this disorder and through research. The common denominator between everyone is the difficulty holding down a job. I have been working at a job for 5 days and on the outside it seems perfect. Close to home, decent pay and shorter hours. The problem I'm encountering is the fact it is so micromanaged, I have to account for and describe what I'm doing on a log every 15 minutes. The boss is yet another woman, a nasty one, and my experience has not been good with female bosses. I know I'm going to leave, my anger boils almost over when I'm spoken to like a moron. My self esteem is at an all time low because of my lack of ability to hold down a job. They say BPD can be caused by PTSD and god knows I suffered that. I don't know what to do. I feel like running again.

Question for today: have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? How'd you deal with it?
radmonkey:
I feel lately on both this site and in my life there's a strong contingent of mental illness or at least serious issues. Unfortunately the people in my life haven't acknowledged they have these problems. They project them onto other people or circumstances. So I'm heartened by reading that you can come to grips with your issues and try to understand them, though in some ways it might be easier to deny them like others do.

I have felt in love with someone who didn't return it, but those experiences made me decide that kind of love isn't what I define as real love and I stopped falling into that. But if you can't shake it, see what it teaches you. The great Sufi mystics reveled in that kind of love and wrote great poetry about it.
radmonkey:
thanks for your thanks! good to hear your self-renewing attitude.

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