Ok, two blogs in two days. You can tell (well if you know me) which most of you dont really because I disappeared into the abyss for months. I am totally manic lately. I have been writing like a fiend about mostly depressing shit and the state of my life but even working on the book, that will probably never be done but it sounds good to say I am working on a book so there.
I have to write right now because something is really bothering me, screwing with my head and pulling whats left of my heart. Someone is sending me anonymous emails and nasty comments on various different mediums. I believe I know who it is but he never replies and has turned into some nasty SOB that is totally uncharacteristic of him. I think back when he and I were still communicating, before he jumped off the face of the planet or the state of Alaska or something and cant recall saying or doing something to invoke such a reaction in him. Its granted that I can be a total bitch, with sociopathic features -yet they havent determined if thats characteristic of Bi-Polarism but fuck who knows? I have worked really hard to get to this place I am at- a somewhat functioning and productive adult who doesnt lash out, get in fights over nothing and laugh about morbid things. I dont lie, steal and I do have a sense of guilt. I have developed empathy- although I think it may have been there all along but buried along with those other emotional things I was never allowed to express.
I guess what I am getting at is I dont remember doing anything bad or hurtful. I question myself though because I get surprised daily by things I have done and dont remember, like the crazy people on facebook who claim I request their friendship when I have never even heard of them, and this frightens me slightly.
So Mr. Anonymous is apparently angry about my activities (like engaging in some minor drug use and excessive partying since he jumped ship) and has wrote me a self righteous email about it. Then leaves nasty comments everywhere possible. I wasnt sure I needed to justify myself to anyone but me, especially someone who trampled on my heart and didnt even stop to say why. My instinct is to just totally ignore it but the sad truth is I love this jackass and cannot live without knowing what I did to make him angry. Its like that with everyone, it bothers me to no end if I have done something inadvertently to piss someone off.
I feel this lately, like everyone, or mostly everyone just doesnt want to talk to me, like I betrayed some secret or confidence they had in me. Its like I am in a glass box and everyone is looking, wondering what the fuck I am doing in the glass box- or more specifically, like one of those dreams you have where you go to work naked and everyone is looking and laughing and you havent a clue what the hell is going on. I hate that feeling.
I cant lie, the last few months I embraced the loneliness, the emotional-ness of being medication and drug free. I chose to lose the acquaintances I had and focused all my attention on a few people, which I sadly realize is a big mistake. It was good to actually feel again, to have running thoughts again and not lack emotion or free thought or ideas. But mourning and pining and everything that goes along with it frightens people, and they slowly drift off like a receding tide and you end up starting from scratch again.
Hello, you are welcome here.
I have to write right now because something is really bothering me, screwing with my head and pulling whats left of my heart. Someone is sending me anonymous emails and nasty comments on various different mediums. I believe I know who it is but he never replies and has turned into some nasty SOB that is totally uncharacteristic of him. I think back when he and I were still communicating, before he jumped off the face of the planet or the state of Alaska or something and cant recall saying or doing something to invoke such a reaction in him. Its granted that I can be a total bitch, with sociopathic features -yet they havent determined if thats characteristic of Bi-Polarism but fuck who knows? I have worked really hard to get to this place I am at- a somewhat functioning and productive adult who doesnt lash out, get in fights over nothing and laugh about morbid things. I dont lie, steal and I do have a sense of guilt. I have developed empathy- although I think it may have been there all along but buried along with those other emotional things I was never allowed to express.
I guess what I am getting at is I dont remember doing anything bad or hurtful. I question myself though because I get surprised daily by things I have done and dont remember, like the crazy people on facebook who claim I request their friendship when I have never even heard of them, and this frightens me slightly.
So Mr. Anonymous is apparently angry about my activities (like engaging in some minor drug use and excessive partying since he jumped ship) and has wrote me a self righteous email about it. Then leaves nasty comments everywhere possible. I wasnt sure I needed to justify myself to anyone but me, especially someone who trampled on my heart and didnt even stop to say why. My instinct is to just totally ignore it but the sad truth is I love this jackass and cannot live without knowing what I did to make him angry. Its like that with everyone, it bothers me to no end if I have done something inadvertently to piss someone off.
I feel this lately, like everyone, or mostly everyone just doesnt want to talk to me, like I betrayed some secret or confidence they had in me. Its like I am in a glass box and everyone is looking, wondering what the fuck I am doing in the glass box- or more specifically, like one of those dreams you have where you go to work naked and everyone is looking and laughing and you havent a clue what the hell is going on. I hate that feeling.
I cant lie, the last few months I embraced the loneliness, the emotional-ness of being medication and drug free. I chose to lose the acquaintances I had and focused all my attention on a few people, which I sadly realize is a big mistake. It was good to actually feel again, to have running thoughts again and not lack emotion or free thought or ideas. But mourning and pining and everything that goes along with it frightens people, and they slowly drift off like a receding tide and you end up starting from scratch again.
Hello, you are welcome here.