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kyki

Boulder

Member Since 2007

Followers 118 Following 179

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Saturday Jun 09, 2007

Jun 9, 2007
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I was having a fucking break down yesterday. I got a lot of things done but a lot of them didn't really work out as well as I wish they had. It's not like I was expecting everything to be perfect but not quite ready for this stress. We have to come up with 750 dollars before they will even do the surgery. That's just the upfront. That doesn't even include anesthesiologist or any of that shit. It's just kind of a shit load of money to prove your serious. Well yes. 'I really do want this possible cancer removed thank you." Fuck it. So I'm trying not to stress out but it's really hard. I couldn't stop crying last night and just wanted to, I don't even know. I was so stressed and angry and sad I couldn't even think. My doctor gave me some xanex to calm me down which really helped but I need to figure my life out so I don't need something to calm me down. Something so that I can calm myself down.

I am really nervous about this. More so than anything else I've ever down. It was already insanely painful to have a metal scope in my urethra and now they are actually cutting shit out of me and cauterizing the area. Imagine burning your insides? So, I don't know if they are going to give me pain killers. I would assume it's going to be bad enough that they have to considering just the first time hurt so bad I almost screamed when I had to pee.

I have some issues, not that everyone is totally fine with it, about people being and poking at my vagina. Excuse me sir...that's mine. So how long till I can have sex? It's be a while I'm sure. I mean you don't fuck someone in the urethrae but I'm sure it's still painful. I have to have a catheter in for at least 3 days while it heals. That's just fucking horrible.

Not to be repetitive but it seems like one thing after another. Papi dies (and he meant so much to me), Roy dies ( he also meant a lot to me,) I am in the E.R., I am unable to pay any of my bills or even afford food ( and I'm not forgetting the people who have helped me out, I am so thankful for all of you), then I find out a friend of mine is on a donor list because of reasons I won't talk about and I've always been afraid she was going to die because she's had a specific health problem since she was a baby.

So, it just seems like things are adding up and I almost feel justified to just flip shit and start slapping people. I won't but I feel at that point. I mean. I sit at home a lone so much that I feel like, where the fuck are all my friends? I know that they have lives and everything. Not that they are not hanging out with me because they want me to feel bad or anything, but i am the most afraid to ask for people to be around when I really need the support because I'm more afraid of the rejection at this point. God. OK. I'm glad I got that out. i am feeling a little better today. I'm trying to figure out a student loan that will allow me to go back to school full time. I want a part time job because in a way, if it's a good job, working keeps me sane. Only if it's a good job with people who respect you though.

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