kyki

I'm sorry. It makes me feel like an idiot to admit it but it's really something I should learn to deal with another way but emotional pain has become horrible. I'm lonely. I feel ugly often. I have personal stuff. My grandfather, who I do love, but also takes care of my family because they are all fairly poor and incapable of pulling it together, is dieing of cancer. I don't want him to die anyways but I'm trying to deal with the fact that it is happening and it does happen. I have a few friends who have died, all quickly, but it's still hard to deal with so much death. I have a friend who is also dieing of cancer and he has a wife and 2 children. He is such a good person. But mostly I feel like no matter how hard I work nothing changes. Nothing gets better. This is stupid because sometimes I know I'm a good person and that I am smart and pretty and sometimes I can't see that. Sorry, that's kind of hardcore for me to say to you because it's probably some mental problem. But it's all kind of just building up and the only release is when I cut myself because it numbs and kind of makes me high in a way. I would rather have like Valium and just relax but I think that's still kind of a form of self destruction but maybe a less permanent way. But I'm trying to help myself by going to a doctor and not totally medicating the shit out of myself but maybe figuring something that can help me cope in a less blood thirsty way. Thanks for asking. Sorry about the long reply hon.

I used to cut myself, so I know what kind of release it offers. The thing to remember is that it is temporary. It doesn't fix what is going wrong in your life, it just numbs it for a while. I'm glad to hear that you are getting some medical help; don't underestimate what a doctor or even someone to talk to can do for you. Death is a tremendously hard thing to deal with, especially when it seems unfair. All you can do is offer your loved ones comfort and support while they are still here, and look for your own support when they are gone. I'm so sorry that things are going badly for you. Try to remember that you are worthwhile, and that you have people you love you. Take care of yourself.