kus

I am so not used to doing anything with anybody that I don't ever think of anything but just school and work (when there is some).

I was supposed to go to this club, and it was free. And I really need to get out and meet some people so I won't be so fucking weird.

Even though I am usually really scared and stuff of public places, I think I would have been ready tonight. I just wasn't even thinking. I was in a really deep depression to be honest.

I've had my mind on this one girl since school started this semester. And I don't know what to do. I don't know why I like her so much, maybe it's because she's really cute, or maybe it's just because she's the first person that's talked to me in a while, female wise.

It's hard for me, whenever I try to talk to women, they act all crazy, and scared, or shy. I'm really sensitive. I didn't have a dad or any friends to teach me anything.

It's taken me up to this point in my life to even start understanding who I am. I don't even know if I can ever be that type of person everyone wants me to be.

I guess I want to be that person too. But it's hard for me to forgive everyone and just pretend like nothing happened.

I don't think it's so much the forgiving. It's the trusting part. I don't like people who lie, period.

I don't like people who lie or people who talk shit. Those are my two worst things I hate, I think.

That's why I get so angry all the time because everyone lies and everyone talks shit, and nobody thinks it's a big deal. Like everything else is a big deal but that.

But imagine how many problems could be solved without spending a cent. Just stop the lying and shit talking.

So I can't tell if I'm in love or I'm just lonely and wanting the first girl that comes along. Probably a little of both,

If I had it my way, I'd sleep with every attractive woman there was. And my standards are based on personality and stuff.

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Here's an easy way to look at it. I was raised by my mom. I'm not gay. If I was I'd have a lot of tail. But I don't. I never watch gay porn, ever. It's just not my thing.

But unfortunately, personality wise, I can't help but be similar to her in some ways.

Things like being sensitive. Like waiting around until a girl talks to me. The same way every girl waits until i talk to her, and to chase her around. Well that's what I want. Nobody ever taught me that guys aren't supposed to have any feelings and just to go after every girl there is.

I don't know if I can ever do that. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm really shy too. I always thought some woman would like that.

I always thought that's what women wanted. That's sort of the reason I am this way is because I thought that's what women wanted. Or at least that's what my mom wanted, but now she just calls me a fag.

It hurts. It used to at least. I guess part of being a man is hating women? You'd like to say "Wrong" but just like my mom, she made me into the man she THINKS she likes, but whenever there's a felon with tattoos all over his body, she's all giggling and acting stupid AND SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW.

I HATE HOW SHE MADE ME ACT LIKE A FUCKING PUSSY BUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY IS ATTRACTED TO THE OPPOSITE.

It makes me angry because I've been fucked up my whole life. All I can hope for is to finish school or get better at guitar so some girl will get past my shyness and hopefully see something worth being friends with at least.

I have no idea how to be a normal person. Everyone's fucked with my head my whole life, pretending to be my friends but always doing crazy weird shit. I still don't know what the fuck has or is happening in my life.

I live a life that feels completely alone sometimes, and the only people I ever talk to hate me and talk shit to me and they only talk to me so they can talk shit after. So I think that maybe they actually like me but they are only doing it so that it hurts more later when they tell everyone how mucht hey hate me and that they aren't my friend and that they were only tricking me, etc.

I dunno, it gets old after a while. It's hard to talk to people.

I meet people, and then the next day or the next time I see them they are always all different. Like a million people went up to them and told them every thing they could think of that would make that person hate me.

If that person likes gangsters, then I'm a pussy. If she hates gangsters, then I'm a gangster. If she likes smart guys, then I'm really dumb, but if she doesn't care, then it's something else.

Whatever is, they just say the opposite. I can't go on about no matter what I do, they just lie and say whatever they want.

So I just start doing what they say I do since everyone treats me that way anyway.

Honestly, I know its just because she's the only one that talks to me. I guess people are talking to me more now. But when I see the type of people she hangs around with, I know she thinks I'm that type of person.

I hate people who like me because they think I'm the evil guy and they always love evil guys. No, I hate you and I'm not like that.

You belong with your type of people. If I never find someone that doesn't hate or talk shit the second someone turns their back, or anything.

Maybe nobody exists that is anything even remotely like me. I don't understand and I don't know if I ever will.

At least I don't think of suicide every second of the day anymore. But that was because I hadn't had anyone talk to me in a while. I had gotten used to not talking to people and accepted I would be by myself for the rest of my life probably. So when someone talks to me like a real person almost, it fucks with me bad and sends me into a pretty bad spiral.

I've gotten a lot better and this time it only lasted a little bit. But I felt sort of bad today. And when I get depressed it's like this heavy weight pressed against my stomach and I start feeling suicidal again. I've never done anything typical of a suicde person.

But then I do have suicidal behavior and do stupid things, especially when I had a motorcycle, or when I am talking shit to gangsters or strangers or cops or whoever.

I don't like to talk about how bad I feel all the time because it makes me sick. But this is how I feel. I feel terrible a lot. I need to talk about it.

My life sucks and it is very lonely. I don;t think anyone could possinly understand.

Everyone gets lonely, I know. Maybe that's why I sympathize with the homeless and stuff, because I know they are in many ways alone. But then a lot of them get along well with other homeless and aren't completely ostracized by everyone.

The thing is it's not completly that way. It just feels that way. Maybe it is that way. I wouldn't know.

I just feel completely alone. Sometimes I just wish someone could know how I really felt about myself and about them and not be confused.

I think people are confused and misunderstand me. Or maybe I just misunderstand myself.

I just want what everyone else seems to have, women arent terified to talk to them.

I see women talk to everyone about everything. But they don't ever say anything to me. So I assume they don't want talk to me. Isn;t that the correct assumption?

If I did even one of the things everybody else does on a daily basis, I'd be in jail for doing those things even once.

People wonder why I cry so much, it's because I don;t do anything and people go nuts about everything I do or don't do. And everybody else does whatever they want and I just have myself to talk to.

The more I talk about myself the crazier I sound and I realize why nobody wants to be around me. And I only get worse as I get more isolated.

If I wasn't such a coward I would be dead for sure. I definitely seem to havea death wish sometimes.

I seem to have a premonition that when everything works out or when I finally find someone special or find a group of friends, that's when I'll die or go to prison forever, or some other tragic thing.

So it's better I just never find anyone. Omg so emo.

I wish I could joke about it. It's hard to just not think about it.

Oh well, life goes on!