~Warning: This Blog NSFW. (Not Safe For Work). Or anywhere for that matter where someone might be peeping over your shoulder and reading. (Then again, what blog of mine is hahahaha!) Also, FAIR WARNING, this blog contains a pretty good insight to my pyschosexual mind, so for those of my friends who are non-members and who I made this public for, if you really aren't comfortable with seeing and knowingthat part of me, TURN AROUND NOW!~
So. Last night. I had a breakdown that was purely pyschosexual. I truly discovered the definition of "Torment", and I knew I HAD to write an erotic poem about what happened last night. I say with no ego, that this is my GREATEST piece. I sent it to my editor at 4am and had her copyright it just I could use it for a novel, and so any smartasses out there would't steal it. She called me and said she was literally blown away by it and personally, so was I.
And all of it, physically, mentally, and emotionally linked to how I am as a purely sexual being. I wish you guys could have seen me last night. Have you ever watched...I don't know...a crack addict going through withdrawal?
The uncontrollable convulsing, the ice-cold sweating, and literally curled up with their arms wrapped around their body as if it's a man-made straightjacket to keep them from losing total control...as if to keep it all in? Have you ever seen someone basically trying their hardest to gain control over their mind and body, as if fighting some unseen entity within them?
That's EXACTLY what I went through last night. I don't want to say it was a breakdown, per se, but it certainly felt like I was losing my fucking mind. But that's the ironic part; because all of this was caused, because if I DID have a breakdown last night, the cause was psychosexual.
By nature, I am a woman who is into down and dirty sex, and I know this stemmed from an early age. Even my folks said I had an "unnatural attraction" to the sexual world, and they might have been right. I'm still not sure. But masturbating when I was four or five, and no, I didn't suffer any trauma such as being molested or anything horrible like that, thankfully, and sneaking to watch all of these dirty movies my mom and dad had, and basically finding it SO interesting and arousing was where it all started for me, even though I didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen. I wasn't afraid of these feelings and embraced them openly.
I accepted them and my fascination with sex as just a part of who I was. Of course, I would consider all of it harmless until the day I lost my virginity. Painful shit that was, but I guess you could say my biggest obstacle was out of the way. Once that was gone, and I had seasoned myself with plenty of fucking with my now ex-boyfriend, I was unstoppable. They say that the imagination and the mind of a virgin are hypersexual and limitless to the fantasies a virgin mind can produce. Eff that nonsense. My mind didn't change at ALL.
Now, how I liked to be fucked? THAT changed a whole hell of a lot. I started wanting it harder; faster and dirtier too. I LOVE being ambushed when I least expect it. I love to be thrown over the kitchen counter and fucked from behind (my favorite position is doggy style) as hard as possible. I LOVE the raw and sore sensation I feel in the morning after being fucked eight or nine times in a row, only to be jumped in the shower and fucked some more. If I could, I would have sex three to four times a day EVER. SINGLE. DAY. I wouldn't say I was a nymphomaniac, per se...because I know I'm not. I'm just overly hypersexual and a woman who runs on her pure psychosexual urges. And when I am in heat, 90% of the time, I can promise you, I am thinking about SEX. Normally, it drops to about 80%.
I will say this chart I made is as accurate as it's going to get. The only thing that keeps me from being a raging sex machine is that I don't have it in me to just go out and fuck random strangers when I am in a relationship. And it's not much different when I am single, only because I'm picky when it comes to my sex partners which is why my number is so low. Usually, I won't fuck anyone unless I like them a LOT and it doesn't take a lot for me to fall for someone. Not love, mind you, but if you just turn my gears the right way, I'm YOURS. I think the one time this almost happenedwhere I almost fucked a guy I'd known for about three days is at Anime Central. GodDAMN that fool was fine. He was HELLA tall, muscles to burn (he carried me up a twelve flights of stairs), and I was in love with his personality and wanted nothing more than to fuck his mind more than anything. I was incredibly attracted to his mind. He was a TA at an old high school I attended in Chicago, and a little older (mid-twenties, when I was...21, I think). And every time we met up, it just seemed like fate. Out a convention that holds TENS OF THOUSANDS of people, when you bump into the SAME person multiple times, you might as well just take the damn hint. I was flying high as fuck on some severe infatuation for this dude, because we were genuinely interested in each other as person. We walked around the dealer's room and bought some anime, he bought me a plushie, and even held my stuff when people wanted pictures of me in cosplay. A true gent. We met up at the Rave dance later on Saturday night and we were grinding so hard that all I wanted him to do was just pull down my panties and fuck him. (And it didnt help we were dancing right next to a lesbian couple who were fingering each other either.) Sex and sweat was in the air and all I knew was that I wanted to fuck this man into the damn mattress. I mean, here I was, someone who didn't consider themselves sexually promiscuous, dancing with a dude Id only known for three days, with his fingers down my panties, up my pussy, with his very hard and huge dick grinding into the material of my silk Chinese dress, and his tongue down my throat as he bent down to kiss me. I HATE ME FOR NOT FUCKING HIM TO THIS VERY DAY. But it was because we were both rooming with roommates, it would have been impossible. UGH. So upset with me right now.
But getting back to the whole point, I cannot be that person when I have a boyfriend, and I become a slut solely for HIM alone. AH-HA.
And ah, here comes the plot twist and the reasoning for the crack in my psychosexual wall:
NONE of the men I have ever been in a relationship with have ever been able to keep up with me sexually. ZERO. Not enough to keep me satisfied. It always starts off like that though, that they will fuck me senseless, but in the end, it always dies off. Their sex drive drops, but mine gets higher and higher with every passing day. And it's sad because in my lifetime, I've only slept with eight guys to date, since I was eighteen. And apparently, to some, it's a VERY low number, hahaha, but it's all a matter of perception. Anyway, I realized this last night and had something of a breakdown. I wanted sex like a MOTHERFUCKER last night. I mean I was literally rolling around in bed, grabbing my thighs, trying so hard not to give in to the urges of just wanting to be fucked until I bled. However, my dude is unfortunately sick.
And a part of me DID NOT give a damn. Its like, a woman in heat NEEDS to be fucked and well and I was in overheat mode last night. I guess to explain our sex life, not to put the poor guy in the open, but when we first got together, we were fucking like rabbits. I will NEVER forget our first night together. We'd gone to a popular love hotel here in California made for nothing but couples who want to fuck. We'd paid for a room the entire night (you can pay by tri-hourly, 3, 6, 9, etc). And I mean as SOON as we got in there, that was the end of it.
I was fucked PROPERLY for the first time in YEEEEEEEEARS since Id turned eighteen. Eight times in a row, and three more times in the morning before we checked out. There wasn't anything we didnt do that night; bondage, toys, etc. (Except for anal sexdidnt do that because Im trying to get warmed up to it. Not a fan.) I woke up and wanted to sleep for the next two years, but he wouldn't let me. He. Wouldn't. Let. Me. YES. I was such a happy dame!!! And because we were still living in the dorms at that time, we didn't want to risk it. Oh, but BELIEVE me, I would have been glad to have him sneak into my dorm and fuck me stupid. Later, after the drama in my dorms, he told me to move in with him and we fucked like rabbits NON-STOP. We fucked in the kitchen (with people home and upstairs), the bathroom, etc...
And then, after a while, it just stopped. I chalked it up to the whole honeymoon phase being over. But my hormones NEVER stop raging and I wanted to be fucked every day, multiple times a day, and I guess...
That little realization last night, that there may be no man who can keep up with my sexual appetite, cued my breakdown. I was TRULY tormented last night; acting as if I'd been going through withdrawal SO bad that I was experiencing the physical symptoms. I was shaking, I had nasty chills, I was sweating, and ALL I wanted in that moment was for him to wake up and fuck me, sick or not. I NEEDED a dick in me. And this wasn't just some, "Wow, I am m horny as a motherfucker" nonsense that lasted maybe five or ten minutes. I went through this for a good three hours last night, and the entire time, I was little having this internal struggle with myself, as if to hold back all of my desire, took so much strength, I swear to God, I felt like I was holding back an entirely different person from busting out.
Zero sleep, and when I DID manage to doze off, I was dreaming of being fucked to the point of pain. I was so upset last night because maybe I thought there was something wrong with melike, why do I love sex SO much? Why can't I find a man who can satisfy me and my impromptu urges to just fuck? I would honestly fuck in a CHURCH if the opportunity presented itself, and I was just THAT horny. (And I'm a Christian. What does that tell you?)
So, I just resigned myself to masturbating furiously until I just fell back asleep. Whatelse could I do? I can't cheat. I'd hate myself forever. I just can't do it. And what would be the point of ruining a relationship for another guy who probably couldn't feed my pussy as well as my soul, heart, intellect and emotions? It's not even worth it to me. But all of this cultivating last night was so surreal that I HAD to write some erotica about it.
And so, without further ado...
Torment By Queline Eliann Milton (My Pen Name)
I am...dying.
Sick with lust; slick with desire.
I need it. I need it now.
Wake up...please...give me what I need.
I have no consideration or care to your needs right now.
Oh God..I'm spiraling.
Close my eyes,
Hoping for peace.
No such thing exists in the dark paradise of my mind.
The only thing that exists behind these closed eyelids...
Sex. Fucking. Nothing else.
Thighs parted,
Visions of you driving into me,
Listening to you demand me to ride you,
Slap my ass harder;
Grab my clit as you force me to take all of your dick in my pussy.
"My Lady"...I imagine your voice whispering.
"No," I whisper back. "Fuck me like a sweet bitch."
The visage warps into a room of red,
Chains, candles, whips, rods, and you fucking me with a ball bag in my mouth,
While I'm suspended in the air by straps and chains cutting into my skin.
Lick the wounds, taste my blood.
Feed my hole...
Make me beg.
Degrade me; do all of things any other man wishes he could do to me.
This is the power you gained over me and over every other man, by three little words:
"I love you".
Again, the image behind my eyelids warp.
Fuck me in the kitchen while I'm preparing you dinner.
Don't care that anyone could walk in.
Take one of the knives from the drawer,
Run the edge along my back as you fuck me from behind.
Run it beneath my throat dangerously,
And make me cum at the thought of dying by your hand,
Whispering to me, "I love you--just you."
As you drive me higher and higher.
So high right now...so very high.
I need it.
Fuck me in the bathroom.
Fuck me in the rain.
On top of your car.
On the hood where anyone and everyone could see us.
Fuck me in your car while the rain falls outside.
Fuck me so hard that the scars I cut into your back with my nails will last for weeks.
Fuck me...all the time.
Oh no...I'm waking up again.
My eyes open to a familiar ceiling,
And you sleeping peacefully beside me.
How unfair of you to be so at peace.
I'm so weak...
Why am I shaking?
Why am I crying?
Why am I wet with frozen sweat?
Why is my vision so blurry right now?
Oh God...help me!
I can't take it!!!
I can't take it any longer!
I reach for your shoulder,
Jostling you from sleep,
Praying you'll save me from the torment--the very hell my body is putting me through--
...But you pull away and go back to sleep.
I literally hear what sounds like glass shattering in my mind.
But it wasn't my heart that broke;
It wasn't my conscious that broke either.
So what was it....?
Whatever it was,
You condemned me in that moment.
You damned me.
You...and every other man who made me realize,
That no matter how much I love you,
In your own ways...
We can never be equals sexually.
Am I so alone?
So...insatiable?
Who am I?
Who is this woman...
With a cursed body that demands pleasure that no mortal man can give me?
Will I ever know true release?
With this thought,
Bringing to me tears,
I end it all myself.
Hands between my thighs,
Covered....saturated...in lewd, bittersweet honey,
Rubbing...harder, faster, until my vision goes dark.
And I explode into nothingness once more.
Breathing hard,
Still shaking,
Still sweating...
I'm fulfilled.
Sated for now.
But as I turn my eyes to look at you,
Who slept peacefully through my sinful actions,
A feeling of fear creeps upon me.
A darkness is wrapping it's arms around me,
Breathing into my ear,
And it whispers this message to me:
"Do you really think he's safe from you...? Do you think any man you fall in love with is safe from you? From us?"
I close my eyes,
Tears spilling down my cheeks,
And wrap my arms tightly around myself.
There will never be any peace from this insanity...
Until I have truly been satisfied.
Until I find him who will feed me.
Until I can know unfathomable pleasure...
Until I have consumed you.
And my desires have killed you.
Excerpt from the novel, "To Lust, With Love, Me", Queline Eliann Milton, 2012
~End~
And...that's the end of that. What did you guys think? Anyway, I am gonna hop this computer. Or atleast SG, and finish sending out these pictures I should have a minute ago. Love you all.
So. Last night. I had a breakdown that was purely pyschosexual. I truly discovered the definition of "Torment", and I knew I HAD to write an erotic poem about what happened last night. I say with no ego, that this is my GREATEST piece. I sent it to my editor at 4am and had her copyright it just I could use it for a novel, and so any smartasses out there would't steal it. She called me and said she was literally blown away by it and personally, so was I.
And all of it, physically, mentally, and emotionally linked to how I am as a purely sexual being. I wish you guys could have seen me last night. Have you ever watched...I don't know...a crack addict going through withdrawal?
The uncontrollable convulsing, the ice-cold sweating, and literally curled up with their arms wrapped around their body as if it's a man-made straightjacket to keep them from losing total control...as if to keep it all in? Have you ever seen someone basically trying their hardest to gain control over their mind and body, as if fighting some unseen entity within them?
That's EXACTLY what I went through last night. I don't want to say it was a breakdown, per se, but it certainly felt like I was losing my fucking mind. But that's the ironic part; because all of this was caused, because if I DID have a breakdown last night, the cause was psychosexual.
By nature, I am a woman who is into down and dirty sex, and I know this stemmed from an early age. Even my folks said I had an "unnatural attraction" to the sexual world, and they might have been right. I'm still not sure. But masturbating when I was four or five, and no, I didn't suffer any trauma such as being molested or anything horrible like that, thankfully, and sneaking to watch all of these dirty movies my mom and dad had, and basically finding it SO interesting and arousing was where it all started for me, even though I didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen. I wasn't afraid of these feelings and embraced them openly.
I accepted them and my fascination with sex as just a part of who I was. Of course, I would consider all of it harmless until the day I lost my virginity. Painful shit that was, but I guess you could say my biggest obstacle was out of the way. Once that was gone, and I had seasoned myself with plenty of fucking with my now ex-boyfriend, I was unstoppable. They say that the imagination and the mind of a virgin are hypersexual and limitless to the fantasies a virgin mind can produce. Eff that nonsense. My mind didn't change at ALL.
Now, how I liked to be fucked? THAT changed a whole hell of a lot. I started wanting it harder; faster and dirtier too. I LOVE being ambushed when I least expect it. I love to be thrown over the kitchen counter and fucked from behind (my favorite position is doggy style) as hard as possible. I LOVE the raw and sore sensation I feel in the morning after being fucked eight or nine times in a row, only to be jumped in the shower and fucked some more. If I could, I would have sex three to four times a day EVER. SINGLE. DAY. I wouldn't say I was a nymphomaniac, per se...because I know I'm not. I'm just overly hypersexual and a woman who runs on her pure psychosexual urges. And when I am in heat, 90% of the time, I can promise you, I am thinking about SEX. Normally, it drops to about 80%.
I will say this chart I made is as accurate as it's going to get. The only thing that keeps me from being a raging sex machine is that I don't have it in me to just go out and fuck random strangers when I am in a relationship. And it's not much different when I am single, only because I'm picky when it comes to my sex partners which is why my number is so low. Usually, I won't fuck anyone unless I like them a LOT and it doesn't take a lot for me to fall for someone. Not love, mind you, but if you just turn my gears the right way, I'm YOURS. I think the one time this almost happenedwhere I almost fucked a guy I'd known for about three days is at Anime Central. GodDAMN that fool was fine. He was HELLA tall, muscles to burn (he carried me up a twelve flights of stairs), and I was in love with his personality and wanted nothing more than to fuck his mind more than anything. I was incredibly attracted to his mind. He was a TA at an old high school I attended in Chicago, and a little older (mid-twenties, when I was...21, I think). And every time we met up, it just seemed like fate. Out a convention that holds TENS OF THOUSANDS of people, when you bump into the SAME person multiple times, you might as well just take the damn hint. I was flying high as fuck on some severe infatuation for this dude, because we were genuinely interested in each other as person. We walked around the dealer's room and bought some anime, he bought me a plushie, and even held my stuff when people wanted pictures of me in cosplay. A true gent. We met up at the Rave dance later on Saturday night and we were grinding so hard that all I wanted him to do was just pull down my panties and fuck him. (And it didnt help we were dancing right next to a lesbian couple who were fingering each other either.) Sex and sweat was in the air and all I knew was that I wanted to fuck this man into the damn mattress. I mean, here I was, someone who didn't consider themselves sexually promiscuous, dancing with a dude Id only known for three days, with his fingers down my panties, up my pussy, with his very hard and huge dick grinding into the material of my silk Chinese dress, and his tongue down my throat as he bent down to kiss me. I HATE ME FOR NOT FUCKING HIM TO THIS VERY DAY. But it was because we were both rooming with roommates, it would have been impossible. UGH. So upset with me right now.
But getting back to the whole point, I cannot be that person when I have a boyfriend, and I become a slut solely for HIM alone. AH-HA.
And ah, here comes the plot twist and the reasoning for the crack in my psychosexual wall:
NONE of the men I have ever been in a relationship with have ever been able to keep up with me sexually. ZERO. Not enough to keep me satisfied. It always starts off like that though, that they will fuck me senseless, but in the end, it always dies off. Their sex drive drops, but mine gets higher and higher with every passing day. And it's sad because in my lifetime, I've only slept with eight guys to date, since I was eighteen. And apparently, to some, it's a VERY low number, hahaha, but it's all a matter of perception. Anyway, I realized this last night and had something of a breakdown. I wanted sex like a MOTHERFUCKER last night. I mean I was literally rolling around in bed, grabbing my thighs, trying so hard not to give in to the urges of just wanting to be fucked until I bled. However, my dude is unfortunately sick.
And a part of me DID NOT give a damn. Its like, a woman in heat NEEDS to be fucked and well and I was in overheat mode last night. I guess to explain our sex life, not to put the poor guy in the open, but when we first got together, we were fucking like rabbits. I will NEVER forget our first night together. We'd gone to a popular love hotel here in California made for nothing but couples who want to fuck. We'd paid for a room the entire night (you can pay by tri-hourly, 3, 6, 9, etc). And I mean as SOON as we got in there, that was the end of it.
I was fucked PROPERLY for the first time in YEEEEEEEEARS since Id turned eighteen. Eight times in a row, and three more times in the morning before we checked out. There wasn't anything we didnt do that night; bondage, toys, etc. (Except for anal sexdidnt do that because Im trying to get warmed up to it. Not a fan.) I woke up and wanted to sleep for the next two years, but he wouldn't let me. He. Wouldn't. Let. Me. YES. I was such a happy dame!!! And because we were still living in the dorms at that time, we didn't want to risk it. Oh, but BELIEVE me, I would have been glad to have him sneak into my dorm and fuck me stupid. Later, after the drama in my dorms, he told me to move in with him and we fucked like rabbits NON-STOP. We fucked in the kitchen (with people home and upstairs), the bathroom, etc...
And then, after a while, it just stopped. I chalked it up to the whole honeymoon phase being over. But my hormones NEVER stop raging and I wanted to be fucked every day, multiple times a day, and I guess...
That little realization last night, that there may be no man who can keep up with my sexual appetite, cued my breakdown. I was TRULY tormented last night; acting as if I'd been going through withdrawal SO bad that I was experiencing the physical symptoms. I was shaking, I had nasty chills, I was sweating, and ALL I wanted in that moment was for him to wake up and fuck me, sick or not. I NEEDED a dick in me. And this wasn't just some, "Wow, I am m horny as a motherfucker" nonsense that lasted maybe five or ten minutes. I went through this for a good three hours last night, and the entire time, I was little having this internal struggle with myself, as if to hold back all of my desire, took so much strength, I swear to God, I felt like I was holding back an entirely different person from busting out.
Zero sleep, and when I DID manage to doze off, I was dreaming of being fucked to the point of pain. I was so upset last night because maybe I thought there was something wrong with melike, why do I love sex SO much? Why can't I find a man who can satisfy me and my impromptu urges to just fuck? I would honestly fuck in a CHURCH if the opportunity presented itself, and I was just THAT horny. (And I'm a Christian. What does that tell you?)
So, I just resigned myself to masturbating furiously until I just fell back asleep. Whatelse could I do? I can't cheat. I'd hate myself forever. I just can't do it. And what would be the point of ruining a relationship for another guy who probably couldn't feed my pussy as well as my soul, heart, intellect and emotions? It's not even worth it to me. But all of this cultivating last night was so surreal that I HAD to write some erotica about it.
And so, without further ado...
Torment By Queline Eliann Milton (My Pen Name)
I am...dying.
Sick with lust; slick with desire.
I need it. I need it now.
Wake up...please...give me what I need.
I have no consideration or care to your needs right now.
Oh God..I'm spiraling.
Close my eyes,
Hoping for peace.
No such thing exists in the dark paradise of my mind.
The only thing that exists behind these closed eyelids...
Sex. Fucking. Nothing else.
Thighs parted,
Visions of you driving into me,
Listening to you demand me to ride you,
Slap my ass harder;
Grab my clit as you force me to take all of your dick in my pussy.
"My Lady"...I imagine your voice whispering.
"No," I whisper back. "Fuck me like a sweet bitch."
The visage warps into a room of red,
Chains, candles, whips, rods, and you fucking me with a ball bag in my mouth,
While I'm suspended in the air by straps and chains cutting into my skin.
Lick the wounds, taste my blood.
Feed my hole...
Make me beg.
Degrade me; do all of things any other man wishes he could do to me.
This is the power you gained over me and over every other man, by three little words:
"I love you".
Again, the image behind my eyelids warp.
Fuck me in the kitchen while I'm preparing you dinner.
Don't care that anyone could walk in.
Take one of the knives from the drawer,
Run the edge along my back as you fuck me from behind.
Run it beneath my throat dangerously,
And make me cum at the thought of dying by your hand,
Whispering to me, "I love you--just you."
As you drive me higher and higher.
So high right now...so very high.
I need it.
Fuck me in the bathroom.
Fuck me in the rain.
On top of your car.
On the hood where anyone and everyone could see us.
Fuck me in your car while the rain falls outside.
Fuck me so hard that the scars I cut into your back with my nails will last for weeks.
Fuck me...all the time.
Oh no...I'm waking up again.
My eyes open to a familiar ceiling,
And you sleeping peacefully beside me.
How unfair of you to be so at peace.
I'm so weak...
Why am I shaking?
Why am I crying?
Why am I wet with frozen sweat?
Why is my vision so blurry right now?
Oh God...help me!
I can't take it!!!
I can't take it any longer!
I reach for your shoulder,
Jostling you from sleep,
Praying you'll save me from the torment--the very hell my body is putting me through--
...But you pull away and go back to sleep.
I literally hear what sounds like glass shattering in my mind.
But it wasn't my heart that broke;
It wasn't my conscious that broke either.
So what was it....?
Whatever it was,
You condemned me in that moment.
You damned me.
You...and every other man who made me realize,
That no matter how much I love you,
In your own ways...
We can never be equals sexually.
Am I so alone?
So...insatiable?
Who am I?
Who is this woman...
With a cursed body that demands pleasure that no mortal man can give me?
Will I ever know true release?
With this thought,
Bringing to me tears,
I end it all myself.
Hands between my thighs,
Covered....saturated...in lewd, bittersweet honey,
Rubbing...harder, faster, until my vision goes dark.
And I explode into nothingness once more.
Breathing hard,
Still shaking,
Still sweating...
I'm fulfilled.
Sated for now.
But as I turn my eyes to look at you,
Who slept peacefully through my sinful actions,
A feeling of fear creeps upon me.
A darkness is wrapping it's arms around me,
Breathing into my ear,
And it whispers this message to me:
"Do you really think he's safe from you...? Do you think any man you fall in love with is safe from you? From us?"
I close my eyes,
Tears spilling down my cheeks,
And wrap my arms tightly around myself.
There will never be any peace from this insanity...
Until I have truly been satisfied.
Until I find him who will feed me.
Until I can know unfathomable pleasure...
Until I have consumed you.
And my desires have killed you.
Excerpt from the novel, "To Lust, With Love, Me", Queline Eliann Milton, 2012
~End~
And...that's the end of that. What did you guys think? Anyway, I am gonna hop this computer. Or atleast SG, and finish sending out these pictures I should have a minute ago. Love you all.
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
Anyhoo, yeah great blog all around and thanks for sharing your most intimate thoughts and details with us. I know I for one, had a great read of it