kultboy

Must haves for Travel:

1) Soap, lots of soap (if you run low, remember that you can make soap out of rendered human fat)

2)Enough food, water, and ammunition to last a large scale zombie plague (I suggest stocking up on Twinkes they have a shelf life of ten thousand years and are the preferred snack cake of the serious zombie apocalypse survivalist.

3) One Time Travel Fun Co Children's Portable 'Make your own time anomaly kit' (now with Uranium 251 so it glows in the dark). As CEO and founder of Time Travel Fun Time Co i can set you up with a trade rebate but it can take up to three hundred years to process and may be paid out in silver piece o eight.

4) One book for light reading and kindling if needed (I suggest 'The Skank Whisperer' by myself. Its a heart felt story of a ten year old boy who spends the summer of 1953 searching through the american southwest for lonely hookers. While in New Orleans he finds a suitcase full of cocaine and uses the money he makes selling it to set up a farm for the hookers in Arizona. Touching stuff)

Keean's Patented Flu Cure (it also doubles as an aftershave):

Take one heroic dose of shredded unicorn penis.

Personally I like to ground the shredded penis into a fine paste and apply it liberally to the small of a hookers back. I leave it to set for at least an hour. I find it takes that long to soak up the hookers natural flavours, it helps if she is dead but its not a prerequisite plus what to do with the body?

Once hardened i toast it, put a little jam on it and eat it like a pop tart while reading the paper and enjoying my morning coffee.

I find it cures most ailments, curses, and restores vitality, vigour and vim.

I don't want to go to the theatre but i'd be more than willing to come to your house and perform it using sock puppets miming to the soundtrack and a set i built out of the cardboard box i was using as a cauldron. Let me know.

She then made the mistake of replying with this:
haha i would love to see that. could we sell tickets to that show and make money out of it?

To which i replied:
Yes but we could run into copyright issues. I'm just going to duck back in time and create it first. Don't be alarmed if in the next ten minutes you feel slightly disorientated and develop a craving for peanut butter. That is just the multiverse adjusting to my temporal shenanigans.

It went on:
dammit there is no peanut buter in the cupboard at work. what am i ever going to do!!!!

To which i said:
I'll drop by Montreal, Quebec circa 1884 there is a guy i know called Marcellus Gilmore Edson he should be able to hook us up. He invented it.