kudra

Sleepy.....
I never went back to sleep yesterday. I sat around watching a movie and ing out. I went down to Dantes around ten and it was packed with some early show going on which was pretty lame. I thought I'd get down there while it was still sort of empty and hide out in back and have a Dead Nazi.
This guy came down and he was pretty cool. I did the Hey Mickey cheerleader thing and did one somersault and two kartwheels. That made people tip me more. I actually made a decent amount in tips.
Then I went to the Montage and had some yummy mashed potatoes and sat and talked with my ex-boyfriend. He has thyroid cancer and they are going to operate on him soon so we speculated about what might possibly be in the lump on his neck. I think it's a little man named Ken Cer and once they cut him open he will jump out and run away. He think it's a sppoky or maybe a little . The fact that we can joke about it makes me feel a lot better. It's pretty wierd to be this age and have an ex boyfriend of the same age wind up having cancer. I think he'll be okay, though.....

People really like to blame other people for their shortcomings, and I am getting a little sick of it the last two weeks. If I fuck up I'll take the blame. I sure as hell won't blame it on someone else though. Too bad everyone can't learn to do that instead of trying to make me feel guilty for NOTHING. I'm seriously bothered. Something happened at that party this weekend that has left me feeling pretty upset. All of this guilt was laid on to me by this girl, all about one of my oldest friends and some stuff that happened a long time ago. She sat and told me how he just hated me and bla bla bla. She picked apart the way I talk as if when I say, "oh, that's cool" it's really just a sarcastic insult and inside my head I must be thinking ridiculous things about them. I was so drunk and she was laying it on so thick I actually cried. I really felt bad and wondered how had I been so callous to someone I love and not even realize it. But I wasn't. I had a friend who had some bad shit going on in his life. We sort of lost touch. For a few months I called every week or two to see how he was and if he wanted to do anything, despite the fact that I knew it wasn't best for me to be around him at that point. He usually didn't call back, and never once took me up on hanging out. Eventually I just quit trying. Turns out he felt like I ditched him. But I recall feeling the same way. And I would never had 'hated' him for it, I was just really hurt. And that is between me and him. And even if I DID hate him for it, even I wouldn't sit down and tell him with an evil look in my eye how much I hated him at one point. I didn't. And now here comes this girl telling me what I horrible person I am. Then to top it off, after I wake up in the morning actually upset that she did that to me, I call up my friend and say "look, we need to talk, obviously there's still some shit we need to work out" I tell him about her telling me how he just HATED me, etc. He said that isn't even true. So why did she do that???? PEOPLE SUCK. Worse yet, why did I fall for it? People start laying guilt trips on me about something/someone I actually care about and at the moment I eat it up. I feel rotten. But I know myself well enough that whatever I might do I have a reason for. I always stand behind my actions and shouldn't let someone else make me doubt myself in retrospect.