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kudra

Portland

Member Since 2003

Followers 16 Following 5

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Thursday Aug 07, 2003

Aug 7, 2003
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So my brother died just over two months ago. A month to the day we found out my step dad has lung cancer. We haven't really known what was up with that; it's been a bit of a wait on tests and things that are being done. The initial outlook was grim, but in the last month things have started to sound better than we originally thought, in theory.
He has already said that if the tumor is inoperable he doesn't want to spend his time dying going through chemo and radiation. The worst case scenario has been that the tumore will have spread into his lymphnodes making it inoperable.
So they've done all these tests on his lungs to see if he had to lose one or part of one that he would still be able to breathe okay. It was decided that he could. So today he went in for surgery to look at the tumor.
It's in his lymphnodes and the cancer has probably spread elsewhere too.
So tomorrow we find out exactly what kind of cancer it is, which could make the situation better or worse, and how long they expect him to live.
I feel sick.
There has been way too much death in my life the last two years. No one died my whole life practically, and in the last two years first one of my best friends kills himself, then my favorite uncle dies suddenly, then my grandma gets cancer and dies within 6 months, then my brother dies after 7 years of his cancer dragging out.
It makes me feel so exaughsted. I feel like someone is stomping around in my head and temples and on the back of my neck right now.
I feel so weak.
puke

Last night I dreamt I was in an old Rambler in the woods with my friend. I was driving. We were parked, and these guys come out of the woods. My friend looks to me startled thinking I set him up, but he realizes I didn't as the skin all over my body starts to curl up and eat itself from the outside in. The same thing starts to happen to him. I see his flesh bending in and rotten bone being exposed. We die before they ever reach the car.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
razor13:
i tried to call and it was late so i will call tomorrow afternoon and i hope i get to hear you...it has been too long.....
Aug 7, 2003
hyenahell:
i wish i had comfort to offer. but i haven't quite come to terms with death and dying myself. just know that you'll be in my thoughts.

i go to school at Tulane in new orleans. i'm a b.f.a. candidate with a focus in printmaking, but the last couple years i've gotten more into sculpture. for my thesis show i am going to make a series of altars and print little cards to go with them, that people can take. like saint cards, if you ever had those growing up. it's a decent school- expensive, though. my scholarship only covers a little over half of tuition. and i've gotten really sick of it lately, all the bullshit over money and the kids that, unlike me, won't be paying off loans until they're forty because mommy and daddy have money enough. but still, even as disillusioned as i am about higher education, it was the best decision i've ever made- to go to tulane and pay for it for the next twenty years rather than excepting a full ride to a state school in kentucky. if i'd have done that, i'd be dead by now.
Aug 8, 2003

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