ktsmurf

Fair warning, rambling and semi-mopey post ahead.

So it's been an interesting few days. The sleep shift has been really odd. I've been dreaming again, I've gotten up and gone walking around town, I'm out iin the sunshine, it's fantastic. I feel human again, with all those normal ups and downs.

I had one of the most vivid dreams in a long time this morning. It was so vivid and clear in certain aspects, and very murky in others. I turned it through my brain this morning, and i have a fair idea of what the symbols were and what they represented. It was interesting to see the manifestations in real life, and how my brain chose to process them in a dream environment.

I went on a ramble downtown this morning with my mom and sis. We went to Le Patissier (the pastrymaker) downtown for pastry and espresso for breakfast, and then we thrifted and clearance surfed all morning. I scored some awesome schwag (three ties, a beret, a skirt, and two shirts) and had a wonderful bondy time with my family. It was beautiful to be out wandering in the sunshine with no particular place to go. Very pleasant and relaxing. I kept running into one of my housemates wherever I went.

When I got to work today, I got the info that put me into a funk. Kristana and I were talking this afternoon when I got to work, and she had something she had to tell me. Turns out that the cute shopper boy asked her out this morning, which kinda stunned her. She told him her boyfriend wouldn't like it, and he didn't believe she had a bf at first. She's not really interested, even if she was single, but still. It was kinda odd. I'd sorta been realizing that a comment he made to Leslie was off-putting enough to really lessen his appeal in my eyes, but its never pleasant to hear that someone you've been crushing on asked someone else out. It put me in an odd mood for the rest of today. I'm not mad or jealous with regard to Kristana, she's my friend and she's awesome. I do feel a bit odd about the boy though. There's a bit of disappointment of course, and some of me feels a teensy bit angry too. There's a bit of a good riddance type feeling, like if he's not interested then he's not good enough, and part of me has this i told-you-so tone, because i have never ever had any success pursuing a boy. I've only ever dated the ones that came after me. I've also been realizing that knowing this now, I don't think I could date him, because I'd rather be alone than someone's second choice. I got to sort all of this out while I was at work dealing with a ton of people, including the boy. Great, the one time i really don't want to see him, he shows up and comes straight to my line. At that point i wasn't even remotely sorted out, so i kinda went into robot mode, and he got treated like every other nameless shopper. At one point he just looked at me, and kinda shook his head wierdly. Maybe the dope finally figured out that something was up, I don't know. At least he got out of there quickly, because his prescence inspired a swell of anger and despair. I should not have to deal with emotional things when i'm surfing the crimson tide, because it makes me irrational and mood-swingy. So I spent the rest of the day flirting with other cute customers and focusing on getting the hell out of work. I managed to sterr myself out of my original impulse, which was to go out, drink too much, and sleep with some random person. I've been in a really self-destructive cycle lately, and i'm trying to reign it in. Dealing with my stress is possible without chemicals and promiscuity. It's a lot safer too. I've been doing a lot of self-examination lately, and realizing that while I wouldn't necessarily change any of my behavior, some of it has been pretty rash of late, and i'm really lucky to have come through it ok. I'm kind of even getting an urge to settle down and mellow out. I just don't have any means of doing it, unless i do it alone, which is a somewhat sad thought. I crave people, because i won't make an effort for myself. I need someone around to inspire all of my mellower domestic tendencies, to remind me that little things need attention. I do better when I have something to fuss over and take care of. I'd get a pet, but i don't want that level of responsibility. I can tell I'm in kind of a vulnerable emotional place and I'm seeking validation right now, because I'm having the two impulses I get when I feel this way (rejected and not good enough feelings). I've had thoughts about the bar scene, and some part of my brain is telling me I should call one of my exes and see if i can patch things up with him. When the murky misguided voice tells you to seek out a manipulative and clingy exboyfriend whose last words to you involved the phrases "drop dead" and "the worst part is, I still love you," and you were elated at the time because it meant he'd finally stop calling four times a day, it's a sign of inner turmoil. So i may been leaning a little heavy on my friends in the next few days, because i find it easier to pull out of these wierd moods when i've got some amiable distraction. Anyone up for a series of movie nights, or even just one? I'd host, and Dylan has suggested his place recently as well. In fact, I may talk to him about that tomorrow. We'll see how it is in the morning. I'm going to dress up again, i think, because nice clothes make me feel better.

Wow, i'm just kinda blathering on and on in a stream of consciousness mumble rant. Oh well. Like I said, i'm in kind of a funk. I'm about to go to bed, and it'll all be better tomorrow. See you on the flip side.