ktsmurf

Grumblecakes! Stupid windows, crashing when i've almost finished my post! Anyhoo, I believe I started out by saying that i love the weekend, and am super happy it is here again. So, last night after work, i was feeling way too cute in my punk rock/catholic school girl outfit to just go home and bond with my computer, so I made some phone calls, and ended up hanging out with Ben. So after some quick consulting for my parents compy (they're finally upgrading to XP pro, which is a huge step up from ME) I headed on over to Ben's place, which is actually my old apartment. We drank a couple of beers, smoked some herbage, and watched ali g, which i had never seen before. Hot damn, that's some funny shit. So after that, we decided to head over to the "library" (worst bar name EVER!) in spite of it being karaoke night. Luckily, hard alcohol dulls the pain of bad alanis morrisette covers somewhat. So after a game of darts and a shot of tequila for the road, we headed back to Ben's, with a quick stop in the park for some swingset time. So when we got back, we watched eXistenZ, which was freaking cool (i hadn't seen it before) and the first half of Vanilla Sky. So besides realizing that i *must* see the rest of Vanilla Sky, i noticed the sexual tension between us was so thick one could cut it with a knife. I'm sure the alcohol and mary jane were not easing things in this respect. Am I being naive to think that a single male and a single female can be *just* friends? Don't get me wrong, I adore Ben, but there is a veritable crapload of reasons why its better we not hookup or date. We're both reasonably fresh from less than clean break-ups. We have multiple common friends, including one who has known Ben since the womb and is the best guyfriend i've ever had. This is one of those "Don't shit where you eat" situations. Maybe it was just the chemicals altering my perception, but there was some behavior i'd read as straight up flirty from anyone else. Is it possible for a backrub to be innocent? How about him snuggling up to me and resting his head on my shoulder? There were some moments when it felt like he was waiting for an inkling of encouragement from me. In a rare example of prudence while inebriated, i managed to not react the way my body was telling me to, but if he'd done much else, i don't think i'd have had the will or desire to stop. Am I being unfair in expecting that i can spend signinficant amounts of time with him, even sleeping in the same bed, and have the relationship stay platonic? I hope I'm not being stupid or bitchy. Of course, i'm willing to acknowledge the possibility that some combo of altered brain chemistry and my extreme horniness of late led me to totally misinterpret the signals. Maybe i'm just thinking way too much about nothing. Maybe i just need to get laid. Maybe i need to drink more, or less, or hang out with more females (i'm not sure that would help, i've been craving boobage lately). See, this is why i'm normally so anti-social. I tend to do stupid things, or put myself in emotionally complicated places when i interact with others. oh, blarg, i'm probably just thinking way too much about this. Just because i didn't get home until 12:30 this afternoon after sleeping next to ben for the second time this week, it doesn't mean anything is neccesarily changing, right? Sha, thats sounds ridiculous when put that way. And to think, when a friend asked earlier this week if ben was trying to get into my pants, i told her no. blar, aren't people fun? Well now that i've bored you all to death with my whiney emotional girly crap, i'm going to go to sleep, since i'm mentally and emotionally tired. And yes, i'm sleeping alone tonight. i think i've had enough ambiguity for one week. I'm going to have to stop making sweeping statements about the state of affairs in my life, as it seems the universe immediately sets out to prove me wrong. goodnight.

Updated to say: I reread this in the morning, and i must say that in a third person perspective this sounds a whole lot different that it did when i was writing it. I also think i was probably sending some major mixed messages with the outfit and the request for the drinking and whatnot. So, yeah, i'm just a tard, but at least sg is cheaper than therapy.