i've been away for awhile. lots of stuff going on. was out of town for a bit. so here is a little blog i wrote for you. and by little i mean SUPER LONG! so read it if you want. i can't imagine anyone making it all the way through, but if you do, follow the instructions at the end and tell me what you think.
Heart Palpitations, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Angst
a black comedy in two acts
Prologue: First off, sorry for the title. The reference just seemed appropriate. Because I am sure this whole thing starts with the Cold War. I mean, it has to be a "Communist conspiracy which threatens to 'sap and impurify' the 'precious bodily fluids' of the American people with fluoridated water" (speaking of which, for interesting reading on the dangers of fluoride and the scam perpetrated by the american dental association and our legal system check out "The Fluoride Deception" by Christopher Bryson, but I digress). The second half of the statement (that the title is making), however, is a bold face lie. And that's where you come in. I need to get to that place and need your advice. What am I talking about, you say? Well, let me take you back to the beginning...
ACT I. In the beginning.
Introduction: From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety -
Anxiety is a complex combination of the feeling of fear, apprehension and worry often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, chest pain and/or shortness of breath. It may exist as a primary brain disorder or may be associated with other medical problems including other psychiatric disorders.
Scene 1 - okay okay. now i'm sorry for the crude language, but WHAT THE FUCK?! this all started, say, two weeks ago. Tuesday, 1 May 2007, to be exact. now, in the beginning it was just a minor dull thud. no big deal. when life changing events happen, sometimes it takes a toll on your body. then again, i have certainly had more stressful times in my life. i mean, just a few days after 1 May the chapter known as the worst year (plus two weeks) of my life ended. that's when i found out i passed the bar exam. but during all that time before 5 May 2007, there were pretty much no physical manifestations of stress. it is possible the insomnia has been caused by stress. but i was stressed long before that started. one also might think the stomach problems that i had could be linked to stress, and certainly it may have had some effect ("what stomach problems?" some of you ask. let me put it this way. "ow. ow. fuck. ow. my stomach hurts. fuck.. where's the doctor?). but stress was just the reason it flared up. and i've never had anything like this happen before. oh the suspense (oh the horror).
Scene 2 - 1 May 2007. i went in for a ct scan, or in layman's terms a cat scan. ha. for about two months my stomach had been bothering me. it was the same problems recurring that had gone away when i stopped eating meat in may '06. but i was there for a different reason. by some rationale they thought i might have the dreaded kidney stones (what's that you say doctor? oh, really, kidney stones eventually leads to me pissing blood? and it will feel like razors are slicing my urethra to a bloody pulp? oh, it is being shredded to a bloody pulp? wow, thanks doc. i'll take two!). but alas, i was spared from such a horrible fate. instead the cat scan revealed that i merely have the affliction known as crohn's disease.* and what do you do when you are told you have a disease? well, time for a second opinion.
Brief Interlude: "I was living in a Devil Town. Didn't know it was a Devil Town. Oh Lord it really brings me down about the Devil Town. And all my friend were vampires. Didn't know they were vampires. Turns out I was a vampire myself. In the Devil Town"
Scene 3 - (thud. thud. thudthud. thudthud. THUDTHUD. THUDTHUD. THUDTHUDTHUD.) that's the sound of my heartbeat going faster. and faster. and faster. the dull sound that first reared its ugly head that fateful first day of may had become an overpowering, unrelenting new form of suffering. a new form of chinese water torture (is it even PC to say that? sorry if not. so stop saying you got gypped then. it is a racist term and an affront to my gypsy ancestors). it started small and it seemed as each passing day it got greater and greater. occurred for longer. was much stronger. so i went in to get another cat scan. this time they made me drink a whole bunch of radioactive fluids and go in and get tons of xrays and scans each 20 minutes. in the times where the pictures weren't being taken, glug glug glug, more radioactive fluid (oh, and i got through half of salinger's franny and zooey). i could actually see my intestines on the monitor. start at the top of the small intestine and go for the twenty feet it worms around inside you. looks great. no problem. a-okay. however the last 10-15 centimeters of the ileum (a.k.a. the terminal portion of the small intestine extending from the jejunum to the cecum, which is about 300 cm long), that's another story. extremely inflammed. jagged edges. ulcer after ulcer. ouch. then we come to today. another doctor's appointment. we know where the stomach pain was coming from. what a relief, right? now i know the source of my problem, it is only affecting a small portion of my body, the doc will give me some prednisone (and a long acting immune system suppressor to ensure it does not come back), and it will clear right up. that's all great news. because for most people it can be really serious. i should feel totally better. but i don't. and i don't know why. so i do the only thing i can do... continue my apartment search. and finally i put down a deposit on an apartment. on capitol hill, no less. the exact place i wanted to be, much to my cousin's protest (as he felt that ballard or fremont would be much more appropriate). suddenly i felt like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. oh, what a relief!
Scene 4 - the relief was short lived. even at this moment i can put my index and middle finger into the side of my throat, below my chin, and feel my heart going too fast for its own good. what was that, like 2 hours of relief? if i lie still, my stomach shakes from the erratic way my breathing is interrupted. you all know the feeling. that one where you are really anxious. that time you got up to make your first oral argument in front of a judge for legal writing class. the time you asked out that girl, anticipating rejection. walking into a hospital room of a loved one and/or friend, knowing death is imminent and having to compose yourself and appear as a rock for the others around you. maybe walking in to take the test that will determine your entire grade. you know that, right? you can feel your heartbeat in your head, in you stomach, in your arms. and when you stand still it feels as if the blood is rushing in and out. in and out. pumping and pumping. and somehow you can feel it on the outside of your body, defying all logic. maybe your line of sight appears as if you are travellng through a tunnel as your peripheral vision disappears and it seems like the wall is closing in. okay, well take all of that and multiply it by, say, 632. that's where i'm at. i never feel this way. i may get anxious, i may get nervous, but this is just ridiculous. and, you know, it just depends. even now i don't feel that way all the time. i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not saying that all these apply to me at this moment. i am not even saying one of them applies. i am just trying to illustrate, in a very general way, what one might feel at moments where they are feeling extremely anxious. sometimes these happen, sometimes these don't. and really, i think i may have taken a creative license with my description. clearly i cannot feel exactly as i described. well you are right, i have merely turned it into a caricature and exaggerated all of the symptoms. but i know you still know what i'm talking about. it's called anxiety folks. and i never get it. never. never until now.
END ACT I
Intermission: "To know oneself, one should assert oneself. Psychology is action, not thinking about oneself. We continue to shape our personality all our life. If we knew ourselves perfectly, we should die."
ACT II. Psychoanalysis of the unconscious systems.
Scene 1 - so what's my major malfunction? i'm pretty sure i think too much. generally that is what is going on. i over analyze everything. and it drives me batty. i know some of you know what i am talking about. those that don't, well i'm sorry to say this, but fuck you, you lucky bastards. i mean, it's a regular occurrence. daily even. i mean, what the fuck else have i had to do. no matter how much i keep busy, my mind wanders. and that's where the trouble begins. that being said, i don't know if that is what is going on here. because what's ailing me is not readily apparent. the things that my mind are fixating on, well, they really aren't specific. in fact, most of the time it is now fixating on the constantly increasing speed of my heartbeat and breathing deeply to calm myself down. and actually thinking about good things. new opportunities in life. new friends. new job and career. money that will be coming in. upcoming trips to california and vegas. i mean, for the first time in a long time i am truly happy. there's a skip in my step. sure, there is stuff going on under the surface, but who doesn't have their own issues they are dealing with? even with all of that going on i feel pretty good. it's been awhile. feeling like a failure after not passing the bar exam because of one stupid question pretty much shattered me. downward spiral. not in the truly horrible sense. it's not like i'm living on the streets after a calamity of errors. its just that in a few short months my entire life changed. and it was simply an extension of the 5 previous months before that (the "worst year (plus two weeks) of my life," remember?). that was just the breaking point. i'm past most all of that though. so, whatever it is that is causing this, it is some unknown, unconscious web of emotion that has me my the balls (or maybe heart).
Scene 2 - there's something looming just beyond the darkness. something i cannot see. it is there in the mist, and its outline is clearly visible. but it keeps changing. "it is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. it is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge." it is some amorphous structure, constantly changing and never recognizable. it's called the cause of my anxiety and it won't, for the life of me, simply step out of the shadows and reveal itself in all of its horrifying glory. "the power of christ compels you. the power of christ compels you." but to that, all that one hears from the darkness is "let jesus fuck you, let jesus fuck you. let him fuck you." oh father karras. oh father merrin. you tried your damndest. but pazuzu just won't leave reagan macneil alone. so much for the rituale romanum.
Scene 3 - my cousin rob says to look into "complementary and alternative medicine." well, one specific form of it. biofeedback. apparently it allows users to gain control over physical processes that were previously considered automatic. it entails "measuring a subject's bodily processes such as blood pressure, heart rate, skin temperature, galvanic skin response (sweating), and muscle tension and conveying such information to him or her in real-time in order to raise his or her awareness and conscious control of the related physiological activities." breath deeply. become conscious of your body. calm yourself down. it seems to work for a bit. but then BANG my heart is back up and runnin full speed. so, even though this is all going on in the unconscious mind, i am supposed to figure out what it is bothering me and remind myself that it just is no big deal, and i just shouldn't worry about it. so what is it?
Scene 4 - could it be that i am anxious about moving to a new place? i mean, i have been here at my house for almost three years. but i've moved from washington to california and back in my life, so i can't imagine that is it. especially now that i have found an apartment and with my dad as a cosigner there is no way i wouldn't pass the credit check. the place is as good as mine. and i have a view of the space needle! what more could i ask for? then again, i will be living alone and i have only lived alone for about one year of my life (my first back in seattle). but at the time, being in a long distant relationship, i always had someone there for me. so that seems kind of scary. but yo know what? living alone means i can put what i want where i want. and i don't need to worry about whether my roommates want things done there way.
Brief Interlude: "L'enfer, c'est les autres."
Scene 5 - maybe it is what the very first picture in the "my photos" album on myspace is saying (hint hint read the caption). i've been single for about four months now and the anticipation of re-entering the dating world is somewhat daunting. i mean, i have never been a fan of the game. why can't people just be straight with one another? fuck power and control, just say what you want to say (not necessarily in harsh or mean way, just make sure that your words convey your point without being too hurtful or overly zealous) and get on with it. this is true for guys and girls alike. the chase. the hunt. fuck it. the way i look at it is so maybe you go out on a date or two and nothing comes of it. so what? if the person is cool, you might become friends. no pressure. sounds good. new friends are always nice. especially since no longer being in school and starting your own professional business (a.k.a. ethical restrictions on romantic relationships with clients) makes it hard to meet new people sometimes. so hang out, have a good time, if you're just friends than that's still better than nothing. so although i am somewhat apprehensive of that, i can't imagine that that would be causing me all this anxiety. girls have told me i am a catch. just because i don't think so, doesn't mean it is not true. we are always our harshest critics. and when a pretty girl tells you that, well, i guess you should listen. so, okay, fine, we'll assume for the sake of argument that i am a catch. especially when i lose those 30 lbs i gained after surgery. so no worries in that regard.
Scene 6 - finally, it could be that i am about to open my own law firm. i am going to be completely responsible for what goes on in my business and if it fails, well, it means i fail. it means i have fallen flat on my face and i am even more in debt than school has already made me. will this happen? there is a good possibility. then again, i doubt it. it will take a lot of work, and a lot of help from friends who have the means and the need, but it is certainly doable. and if it does fail... i have the experience to get another job. a better job than what i could get now. and i am my own boss, make my own hours, and can make decisions on my future all on my own with only the considerations of my one (or two) law partners. it's a dream for some. so, sure, i am scared, but at the same time i am excited. it is a good opportunity. and i have the drive. the good old american entrepreneurial spirit from a socialist leaning capitalist (one that steals ideas from weberian social thought while rejecting his notions of traditions; coupled with a conviction that economic regulation is necessary to prevent corruption, negligence, and other problems attributed to free markets; and a complete rejection of the chicago school's theory of neoclassical economics) who believes the government should step in and heavily regulate industries to prevent unjust distribution of wealth and aid the more needy so that they too can one day live the "american dream." so i really don't think that is it.
Scene 7 - so where does that read us, oh avid reader? well... back where we started. at a loss. maybe it is all of those things combined. maybe it is none of them. this is where you come in. it is you, the reader, who will help write the ending. "A Choose Your Own Adventure" style of help. Step up, become the main character, and make way to whichever of the multiple endings your path leads you to. turn back to page 5. jump forward to page 8. just get to the ending. and most importantly, tell me your outcome. give me your insight. and maybe this will all be a thing of the past. thanks.
END ACT II
Epilogue: "Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger." so say we all. fuck it.
FIN
*Crohn's disease (also known as regional enteritis) is a chronic, episodic, inflammatory condition of the gastrointestinal tract characterized by transmural inflammation (affecting the entire wall of the involved bowel) and skip lesions (areas of inflammation with areas of normal lining in between).
Heart Palpitations, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Angst
a black comedy in two acts
Prologue: First off, sorry for the title. The reference just seemed appropriate. Because I am sure this whole thing starts with the Cold War. I mean, it has to be a "Communist conspiracy which threatens to 'sap and impurify' the 'precious bodily fluids' of the American people with fluoridated water" (speaking of which, for interesting reading on the dangers of fluoride and the scam perpetrated by the american dental association and our legal system check out "The Fluoride Deception" by Christopher Bryson, but I digress). The second half of the statement (that the title is making), however, is a bold face lie. And that's where you come in. I need to get to that place and need your advice. What am I talking about, you say? Well, let me take you back to the beginning...
ACT I. In the beginning.
Introduction: From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety -
Anxiety is a complex combination of the feeling of fear, apprehension and worry often accompanied by physical sensations such as palpitations, chest pain and/or shortness of breath. It may exist as a primary brain disorder or may be associated with other medical problems including other psychiatric disorders.
Scene 1 - okay okay. now i'm sorry for the crude language, but WHAT THE FUCK?! this all started, say, two weeks ago. Tuesday, 1 May 2007, to be exact. now, in the beginning it was just a minor dull thud. no big deal. when life changing events happen, sometimes it takes a toll on your body. then again, i have certainly had more stressful times in my life. i mean, just a few days after 1 May the chapter known as the worst year (plus two weeks) of my life ended. that's when i found out i passed the bar exam. but during all that time before 5 May 2007, there were pretty much no physical manifestations of stress. it is possible the insomnia has been caused by stress. but i was stressed long before that started. one also might think the stomach problems that i had could be linked to stress, and certainly it may have had some effect ("what stomach problems?" some of you ask. let me put it this way. "ow. ow. fuck. ow. my stomach hurts. fuck.. where's the doctor?). but stress was just the reason it flared up. and i've never had anything like this happen before. oh the suspense (oh the horror).
Scene 2 - 1 May 2007. i went in for a ct scan, or in layman's terms a cat scan. ha. for about two months my stomach had been bothering me. it was the same problems recurring that had gone away when i stopped eating meat in may '06. but i was there for a different reason. by some rationale they thought i might have the dreaded kidney stones (what's that you say doctor? oh, really, kidney stones eventually leads to me pissing blood? and it will feel like razors are slicing my urethra to a bloody pulp? oh, it is being shredded to a bloody pulp? wow, thanks doc. i'll take two!). but alas, i was spared from such a horrible fate. instead the cat scan revealed that i merely have the affliction known as crohn's disease.* and what do you do when you are told you have a disease? well, time for a second opinion.
Brief Interlude: "I was living in a Devil Town. Didn't know it was a Devil Town. Oh Lord it really brings me down about the Devil Town. And all my friend were vampires. Didn't know they were vampires. Turns out I was a vampire myself. In the Devil Town"
Scene 3 - (thud. thud. thudthud. thudthud. THUDTHUD. THUDTHUD. THUDTHUDTHUD.) that's the sound of my heartbeat going faster. and faster. and faster. the dull sound that first reared its ugly head that fateful first day of may had become an overpowering, unrelenting new form of suffering. a new form of chinese water torture (is it even PC to say that? sorry if not. so stop saying you got gypped then. it is a racist term and an affront to my gypsy ancestors). it started small and it seemed as each passing day it got greater and greater. occurred for longer. was much stronger. so i went in to get another cat scan. this time they made me drink a whole bunch of radioactive fluids and go in and get tons of xrays and scans each 20 minutes. in the times where the pictures weren't being taken, glug glug glug, more radioactive fluid (oh, and i got through half of salinger's franny and zooey). i could actually see my intestines on the monitor. start at the top of the small intestine and go for the twenty feet it worms around inside you. looks great. no problem. a-okay. however the last 10-15 centimeters of the ileum (a.k.a. the terminal portion of the small intestine extending from the jejunum to the cecum, which is about 300 cm long), that's another story. extremely inflammed. jagged edges. ulcer after ulcer. ouch. then we come to today. another doctor's appointment. we know where the stomach pain was coming from. what a relief, right? now i know the source of my problem, it is only affecting a small portion of my body, the doc will give me some prednisone (and a long acting immune system suppressor to ensure it does not come back), and it will clear right up. that's all great news. because for most people it can be really serious. i should feel totally better. but i don't. and i don't know why. so i do the only thing i can do... continue my apartment search. and finally i put down a deposit on an apartment. on capitol hill, no less. the exact place i wanted to be, much to my cousin's protest (as he felt that ballard or fremont would be much more appropriate). suddenly i felt like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. oh, what a relief!
Scene 4 - the relief was short lived. even at this moment i can put my index and middle finger into the side of my throat, below my chin, and feel my heart going too fast for its own good. what was that, like 2 hours of relief? if i lie still, my stomach shakes from the erratic way my breathing is interrupted. you all know the feeling. that one where you are really anxious. that time you got up to make your first oral argument in front of a judge for legal writing class. the time you asked out that girl, anticipating rejection. walking into a hospital room of a loved one and/or friend, knowing death is imminent and having to compose yourself and appear as a rock for the others around you. maybe walking in to take the test that will determine your entire grade. you know that, right? you can feel your heartbeat in your head, in you stomach, in your arms. and when you stand still it feels as if the blood is rushing in and out. in and out. pumping and pumping. and somehow you can feel it on the outside of your body, defying all logic. maybe your line of sight appears as if you are travellng through a tunnel as your peripheral vision disappears and it seems like the wall is closing in. okay, well take all of that and multiply it by, say, 632. that's where i'm at. i never feel this way. i may get anxious, i may get nervous, but this is just ridiculous. and, you know, it just depends. even now i don't feel that way all the time. i mean, don't get me wrong, i am not saying that all these apply to me at this moment. i am not even saying one of them applies. i am just trying to illustrate, in a very general way, what one might feel at moments where they are feeling extremely anxious. sometimes these happen, sometimes these don't. and really, i think i may have taken a creative license with my description. clearly i cannot feel exactly as i described. well you are right, i have merely turned it into a caricature and exaggerated all of the symptoms. but i know you still know what i'm talking about. it's called anxiety folks. and i never get it. never. never until now.
END ACT I
Intermission: "To know oneself, one should assert oneself. Psychology is action, not thinking about oneself. We continue to shape our personality all our life. If we knew ourselves perfectly, we should die."
ACT II. Psychoanalysis of the unconscious systems.
Scene 1 - so what's my major malfunction? i'm pretty sure i think too much. generally that is what is going on. i over analyze everything. and it drives me batty. i know some of you know what i am talking about. those that don't, well i'm sorry to say this, but fuck you, you lucky bastards. i mean, it's a regular occurrence. daily even. i mean, what the fuck else have i had to do. no matter how much i keep busy, my mind wanders. and that's where the trouble begins. that being said, i don't know if that is what is going on here. because what's ailing me is not readily apparent. the things that my mind are fixating on, well, they really aren't specific. in fact, most of the time it is now fixating on the constantly increasing speed of my heartbeat and breathing deeply to calm myself down. and actually thinking about good things. new opportunities in life. new friends. new job and career. money that will be coming in. upcoming trips to california and vegas. i mean, for the first time in a long time i am truly happy. there's a skip in my step. sure, there is stuff going on under the surface, but who doesn't have their own issues they are dealing with? even with all of that going on i feel pretty good. it's been awhile. feeling like a failure after not passing the bar exam because of one stupid question pretty much shattered me. downward spiral. not in the truly horrible sense. it's not like i'm living on the streets after a calamity of errors. its just that in a few short months my entire life changed. and it was simply an extension of the 5 previous months before that (the "worst year (plus two weeks) of my life," remember?). that was just the breaking point. i'm past most all of that though. so, whatever it is that is causing this, it is some unknown, unconscious web of emotion that has me my the balls (or maybe heart).
Scene 2 - there's something looming just beyond the darkness. something i cannot see. it is there in the mist, and its outline is clearly visible. but it keeps changing. "it is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. it is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge." it is some amorphous structure, constantly changing and never recognizable. it's called the cause of my anxiety and it won't, for the life of me, simply step out of the shadows and reveal itself in all of its horrifying glory. "the power of christ compels you. the power of christ compels you." but to that, all that one hears from the darkness is "let jesus fuck you, let jesus fuck you. let him fuck you." oh father karras. oh father merrin. you tried your damndest. but pazuzu just won't leave reagan macneil alone. so much for the rituale romanum.
Scene 3 - my cousin rob says to look into "complementary and alternative medicine." well, one specific form of it. biofeedback. apparently it allows users to gain control over physical processes that were previously considered automatic. it entails "measuring a subject's bodily processes such as blood pressure, heart rate, skin temperature, galvanic skin response (sweating), and muscle tension and conveying such information to him or her in real-time in order to raise his or her awareness and conscious control of the related physiological activities." breath deeply. become conscious of your body. calm yourself down. it seems to work for a bit. but then BANG my heart is back up and runnin full speed. so, even though this is all going on in the unconscious mind, i am supposed to figure out what it is bothering me and remind myself that it just is no big deal, and i just shouldn't worry about it. so what is it?
Scene 4 - could it be that i am anxious about moving to a new place? i mean, i have been here at my house for almost three years. but i've moved from washington to california and back in my life, so i can't imagine that is it. especially now that i have found an apartment and with my dad as a cosigner there is no way i wouldn't pass the credit check. the place is as good as mine. and i have a view of the space needle! what more could i ask for? then again, i will be living alone and i have only lived alone for about one year of my life (my first back in seattle). but at the time, being in a long distant relationship, i always had someone there for me. so that seems kind of scary. but yo know what? living alone means i can put what i want where i want. and i don't need to worry about whether my roommates want things done there way.
Brief Interlude: "L'enfer, c'est les autres."
Scene 5 - maybe it is what the very first picture in the "my photos" album on myspace is saying (hint hint read the caption). i've been single for about four months now and the anticipation of re-entering the dating world is somewhat daunting. i mean, i have never been a fan of the game. why can't people just be straight with one another? fuck power and control, just say what you want to say (not necessarily in harsh or mean way, just make sure that your words convey your point without being too hurtful or overly zealous) and get on with it. this is true for guys and girls alike. the chase. the hunt. fuck it. the way i look at it is so maybe you go out on a date or two and nothing comes of it. so what? if the person is cool, you might become friends. no pressure. sounds good. new friends are always nice. especially since no longer being in school and starting your own professional business (a.k.a. ethical restrictions on romantic relationships with clients) makes it hard to meet new people sometimes. so hang out, have a good time, if you're just friends than that's still better than nothing. so although i am somewhat apprehensive of that, i can't imagine that that would be causing me all this anxiety. girls have told me i am a catch. just because i don't think so, doesn't mean it is not true. we are always our harshest critics. and when a pretty girl tells you that, well, i guess you should listen. so, okay, fine, we'll assume for the sake of argument that i am a catch. especially when i lose those 30 lbs i gained after surgery. so no worries in that regard.
Scene 6 - finally, it could be that i am about to open my own law firm. i am going to be completely responsible for what goes on in my business and if it fails, well, it means i fail. it means i have fallen flat on my face and i am even more in debt than school has already made me. will this happen? there is a good possibility. then again, i doubt it. it will take a lot of work, and a lot of help from friends who have the means and the need, but it is certainly doable. and if it does fail... i have the experience to get another job. a better job than what i could get now. and i am my own boss, make my own hours, and can make decisions on my future all on my own with only the considerations of my one (or two) law partners. it's a dream for some. so, sure, i am scared, but at the same time i am excited. it is a good opportunity. and i have the drive. the good old american entrepreneurial spirit from a socialist leaning capitalist (one that steals ideas from weberian social thought while rejecting his notions of traditions; coupled with a conviction that economic regulation is necessary to prevent corruption, negligence, and other problems attributed to free markets; and a complete rejection of the chicago school's theory of neoclassical economics) who believes the government should step in and heavily regulate industries to prevent unjust distribution of wealth and aid the more needy so that they too can one day live the "american dream." so i really don't think that is it.
Scene 7 - so where does that read us, oh avid reader? well... back where we started. at a loss. maybe it is all of those things combined. maybe it is none of them. this is where you come in. it is you, the reader, who will help write the ending. "A Choose Your Own Adventure" style of help. Step up, become the main character, and make way to whichever of the multiple endings your path leads you to. turn back to page 5. jump forward to page 8. just get to the ending. and most importantly, tell me your outcome. give me your insight. and maybe this will all be a thing of the past. thanks.
END ACT II
Epilogue: "Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger." so say we all. fuck it.
FIN
*Crohn's disease (also known as regional enteritis) is a chronic, episodic, inflammatory condition of the gastrointestinal tract characterized by transmural inflammation (affecting the entire wall of the involved bowel) and skip lesions (areas of inflammation with areas of normal lining in between).