krim

And so it begins.....the story of Krim vs. The ex-con hells angels drunken guy with a bag full of chinese food juice

So i sell mattresses. Screw you all for judging me!! Errr i mean i was working last friday and doin my thang fuckin around on SG watching moves and procrastinating on doing work when this guy comes in. He has on some dirty blue jeans with holes in em and a white nascar shirt with a bunch of brown stains on it and a couple of bags. Well we sell beds. Lots of beds and he has a plastic bag with brown liquid along the bottom of it. I don't know what the liquid is but i learn later that he had a styrofoam container with chinese food in particular plastic bag so i assume is brown liquid from the chinese food. Why he's carrying it around i didn't dare ask.

Well i greet him. Ask him how he's doing etc etc all the usual shit. I recognize his voice from a phone call i received about 30 mins earlier asking where we are located. So he tells me he's looking for a new bed etc etc he doesn't have a lot of money to spend (go figure, with his brown stained shirt and dirty pants, gosh i'm superficial) so i show him a couple beds. The whole time he has this look in his face that i interpreted as "I'm drunk and i want to fuck someone up but i also want to feel soft cushy beds". So i play it cool and try to find something for him so i can get him the fuck out the door. He starts telling me how he used to work for this other mattress company and he designed stores for them "Before he went to prison for 2 years". He's like well the guy there gave me an out the back door kinda deal and it turned out to be a total piece of shit mattress and now his back is hurting him. So i look and look and don't find shit for his 63$ he wants to spend so i figure he's gonna leave.

Meanwhile i send out an e-mail telling everyone in my market that there is a scary crackhead in the store and if anyone had tips to get rid of him. Well several people call and ask if i'm serious and if i'm not sodomized and dead. Well everytime someone calls this guy stares at me and listens to the conversation and i'm trying to make it sounds like it's a customer so he doesn't go crazy and think i called the cops and kill me. So like 3 people call and i say things like "Yea it's cool, i'll figure it out", when in reality i want to say "OMG this guy is just waiting for the right chance to knock me out and rape my asshole and then do naughty things to out beds". Well each time someone called he was like " you don't gotta worry bout me i aint gunna do nuttin" and i'm like "oh that was a customer, they're uhm having problems with their delivery, don't be so paranoid". So 20 minutes have gone by and he's still not leaving.

Now i don't know how it got to this but at one point he tells me he's a member of Hell's Angels. I'm not too knowledgeable on them but i think they're a biker gang. I'm sure they do naughty things because he's been to prison, his brother is in prison, and his father is the "grandmaster" or some high ranking member and he's in prison for life. Well at this point i already know he's been to prison so i continue to play it cool while he tells me about them. At this point he pulls a beer out of the other plastic bag and pulls out some styrofoam cup and proceeds to pour himself a cup of beer. WTF i tell him he can't do that but i don't think he can pour beer and listen at the same time. He probably lost all of his multitasking skills during the course of his stay in prison and snorting coke for 15 years. There i go assuming things again.......anyways. So he pours his beer, starts drinkin it and tells me more stories. 30 minutes have passed.

At this point he's starting to get really paranoid. Now i'm totaly freaked out by this guy, we do have a panic button that we can push if we feel threataned but i confident that my people skills and one and a half years of Junior College psychology (Fuck yeah!) can get me though this without pissing him off so i decide to let things roll. So he's drinkin beer, i'm trying to keep the counter between him and myself at all times so in case he flips out i have a chance to pick of a chair and beat him senseless with it. Well we get back on the topic of a bed. He tells me that if i can beat him in arm wrestling he'll buy a bed and if i lose i have to give him a bed. Well i can't gamble with the merchandice so i'm like uhmm no buddy, can't do it. Well i guess he really wants to arm wrestle because he keeps urging me to wrestle him but i hold out and he eventually realizes he's out of beer in his cup and forgets all about arm wrestling.

Then he tells me his name like i'm his new best friend which turns out to be Tim Allen, like the comedian. So i guess that was supposed to impress me because he got al proud of having that name. He tells me how he's a wonderful grandfather and this and that and shows me black marks on his face from where he was doing wheelies on his motorcycle and bailed and rubbed his face on the asphalt. Then i learn that he's 1/4 cherokee indian and he points to his nose and says something that he thinks is witty and laughs and i just stare at him. Well the conversation swings towards out lives and how he's had a rough life and went to prison for 8 years for murder which as i'm sure you can imagine made me feel alot more comfortable. See going to prison for 2 years couldn't have been too serious of a crime but 8 years for muder gives you some goose bumps. Still up to this point i haven't really been to freaked out by anything he's done except for the fact that he keeps saying "EH!" whenever i didn't look at him while he was talking like i was his abused trailor park wife and he wanted to get me in check, and he did.

So he tells me he's a great grandfather and he loves helping children and etc etc. So i ask about his grandson and he starts to cry a little bit. He tells me all teary eyed that he's never seen his grandson and his daughter wants nothing to do with him and how he tried to go visit her once and she and her husband sprayed mace at him. Which he then proceeded beat the crap out of her husband and went to jail. Well as he's telling me this his whole face turns bright red and he looks at me like he's imagining ripping my head off and sticking his penis in it. Trust me, i know that look. So i try to calm him down by saying that's so wrong and blah blah blah whatever i could say to calm him down and not want to sodomize my decapitated head. Then he tells me how he speaks to god and how jesus is his savior and whatnot so he says he's gonna speak to god for me. So he gets on his knees, closes his eyes, and removes his hat. Then he starts mumbling something and i can understand a few words like "No please god" "he's a good man" "don't do that to him". Then he finishes up and i ask him what god told him about me and he says In three years somethings is going to happen." So i ask him what and he tells me "you don't want to know".

So he sucks up his emotions and whatever and wants to arm wrestle again. This time he doesn't have his beer cup so his attention isn't going to get distracted and he won't let it go. So i roll up my dress shirt sleeve and proceed to listen to him. So we go over to one of the lower countertops and proceed to armwrestle. Well he's trying to tell me what to do and whatnot and i'm like WTF kind of armwrestling is this. He is practically biting my knuckles and my arm is sprawled out at about an 150 degree angle where i have no leverage what so ever. And i'm like Hold up buddy, you have a huge advantage and you'll pretty much snap my wrist if we go through with this. And him and his drunkin redneckness is like durr what you mean "don't you know physics". "Yea i know physics but you obviously don't know about leverage. I have to pull my arm all the way over to my side and all you have to do is lean over and push my arm straight down" He looks at me like i'm speaking hebrew and we argue about this for about 5 minutes as i try to make it fair the whole time, rahter preventing my wrist from snapping abd then i realize he can't remember what i said 5 seconds before and all he can think about in his crazy alpha male skull is beating me in arm wrestling because he needs to show is dominance and where he's gonna be able to clean his underwear later. So i eventually get fed up and roll up my sleeves and try to get some shit done because i have a list of stuff to do. So i go around to tighten some of the headboards because they're loose and he comes over and decides he wants to help me. So there are beds/headboards back to back and i spread them apart to tighten them and he decides that they need to be pushed back together and that's how he's gonna help me. So he pushes one of the beds in and almost crushes my hand as i'm tightening the headboard. So i stand up like fuck it i don't want this scary guy anywhere hovering over me trying to help me do anything. Well it's about this time when he decides to tell me what god told him. That in 3 years i'm going to abandon my kids. Hmmm it all makes sense now. He abandoned his family years ago to become a member of Hell's Angels and eventually went to prison. Well his daughter hates him for leaving her and her mom so she won't let him see his grandchild. So since he has no other way of dealing with his empty life he drinks alot, eats bad chinese food, and bothers people in mattress stores till he passes out and starts a new day. Something like that.


Well i'm getting really tired of dealing with this guy so i go behind the desk and start ignoring him and doing paperwork and whenever he asks questions i'd answer them like i would when i want someone to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Why i didn't do this in the beginning starts to dawn on me and i feel like an idiot. But it works and he asks to use the bathroom. I tell him he can "as long as you can make it in the toilet and not piss everywhere.

Well he finishes using the bathroom and comes out and says "You know if i don't make it home i'm going to send someone over here. You've been watched all night" I'm like WTF you fucking little bitch. I've been so cool with you, not calling the cops, not calling security, letting you stay in my store while you drink beer, interrupt my job, blab about your sorry excuse for a life and you fuckin threaten me?!? So i say "How long have you been here? Over an hour. Don't you think if the cops were going to come and get you they would have done so 45 minutes ago. Yet you stand there and threaten me. Fuck that bro. Just fuckin leave." I stood up to him and i guess it made him feel bad. "Man i'm sorry man. You're right. I'm sorry brother. Give me a hug brother." Now the last thing i want from this guy is a hug. But he basically comes around the corner and traps me till i have to hug him to get him to leave me the fuck alone.

So he stays another 20 mins or so invites me over to ride his motorcycles and says he'll teach me and calls me brother about 15 more times. I guess somewhere i passed the Hells Angels brotherhood test or something but he wants to be my best buddy all of a sudden. Well i just want him to get the fuck out at this point so i ignore him and play the paperwork game again and eventually he leaves without saying anything. I'm so relived at this point that i call up a bunch of people and tell them my story. Even though i was slightly afraid for my life i deal with my problems through humor so i totaly laughed about it but by the time i got home i just wanted to go in my room and be alone and dig my head in my pillow and cry. It's been quite a while since i cried so there was alot of pent up emotions. It definitely wasn't a night i'd want to repeat. It was the first time in my life where i'd felt unsafe. Like this guy could actually do something to hurt me. Not the best feeling. I'm such a pussy.

But the good thing is that i learned alot Here are a few ideas that i'll keep with me the rest of my life.

1. If you ever see someone with a white plastic bag with a large puddle of dark brown juice in it don't get near them.

2. Violent ex-con's have feelings too. Give them enough alchohol and they will cry.

3. If a drunk guy wants to arm wrestle you, do it and get it over with or he'll bug you for 2 hours.

4. When a drunk guy comes out of the bathroom threatening you never stand up to him or he'll want to give you a hug with piss all over his hands. Ewww.

5. Even god talks to murderers sometimes, at least the crazy ones.

6. When an ex-con speaks to god for you, whatever god tells him is actually a reflection of the ex-con's life or problems. For example if said ex-con tells you that god wants you to not have sex with sheep anymore then well i think you can figure it out. Damn sheepfuckers!!

7. Never forget your silly putty at home. You never know when you'll need to transform it into a sword to fend off scary drunk people.

8. I found out who actually cared about the well-being of their co-workers. Thanks you guys for checkin up on me.

9. Everyone could use a friend to talk to. Even if they are drunk and threaten to send people to hurt you.

10. Don't abandon your children. If you do they will spray you with mace or pepper spray if you try to be a family again, well at least in Santee.

I guess that wraps it up. That's my story and i'm stickin to it.

Happy dark brown chinese food liquid in a white plastic bag is a great diet suppliment day!