Back to updating the blog... hahahah I know you all have been wondering why I hadnt updated in a day or two. I just was lazy is really all it came down to, that and catching up on much needed sleep and actually getting to go out this past weekend and have fun for once....as I actaully felt good and up to it! 
So I had to share this phone text forward I got the other day because I thought it was hilarious:
" Someone snitched on us. The cops are looking for a bad ass mother fucker and a retard. They already found me so I suggest you grab your helmet and crayons and run lil buddy!"
hahhahahah too funny. I know I should laugh at that cause ultimately it is saying I am a retard but I couldnt help it... I sent it on to quite a few people!
His Last Wish:
~Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Fowl-Mouthed Parrot
~A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".
She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."
How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.
The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"
"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."
Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.
"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"
Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.
"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
Stomping Boy
~One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees. When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week." Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week." After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches. The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"
Oversized
~Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
So I had to share this phone text forward I got the other day because I thought it was hilarious:
" Someone snitched on us. The cops are looking for a bad ass mother fucker and a retard. They already found me so I suggest you grab your helmet and crayons and run lil buddy!"
hahhahahah too funny.
I know I should laugh at that cause ultimately it is saying I am a retard but I couldnt help it... I sent it on to quite a few people!
His Last Wish:
~Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Fowl-Mouthed Parrot
~A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".
She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."
How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.
The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"
"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."
Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.
"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"
Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.
"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
Stomping Boy
~One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees. When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week." Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week." After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches. The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"
Oversized
~Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
krallman:
I would, if I could draw
risus_sardonicus:
who doesn't want to design your next tat? That would be a much easier list to read...