I am having a weird time right now. Lots of things on my mind. My son mentioned the other day that he wants to see his dad. I think it has been at least 4 years since they have seen each other. Maybe longer, like 6 years. Alot of the problem back then was his girlfriend at the time. I didn't want my son around her or her brother, who was always around. Remember her brother? The one I blogged about awhile ago? The one that kidnapped & raped that 14 year old last year? There is a reason people should listen to their intuition & my intuition, as a mother, was that my son should not be around either of those two. I was right & that gut feeling is there for a reason. I stand by that.
Anyway, his dad works at the local bar/restaurant & my son found out that he works there & said that he just wants to pop in & say hi to him. I want them to be close again. I want it to all just be ok. But, I don't want another day where my boy comes home crying from an asshole father's selfish actions. But, people change. At least sometimes they do.
And me & him have some history that we will probably have to address at some point. I figure if they get some kind of relationship again that he & I will probably have to face that at some point. I have some things to apologise for & I hope he feels bad for some of the shit he put me through too, but that isn't something I have any control over. I will just have to apologise for my actions & not expect anything from it but relieve for myself.
And all of this has got me thinking way too much about the me from back then. Do I really have to feel bad all over again like this? And I am scared I will become that stupid little girl again if he comes back into my life. That seeing him will constantly remind me of the me that was so stupid & immature & confused & scared & because of all that, hurtful to others. I am humiliated by some of the things I did back then, when he was in my life. I am tortured by some of the stuff I did to him. But, I am not her anymore. I don't want this to change who I am now. I like who I am now. I hate that girl. That stupid, stupid girl. I am not her. But, what if she is lurking inside somewhere & he brings her back out? I am sick with worry about this. Or what if he just sees her regardless of who I really am now? It makes me sick in the stomach.
But, first I will just focus on my son & him getting back into some kind of relationship. The rest really isn't as important.
Anyway, his dad works at the local bar/restaurant & my son found out that he works there & said that he just wants to pop in & say hi to him. I want them to be close again. I want it to all just be ok. But, I don't want another day where my boy comes home crying from an asshole father's selfish actions. But, people change. At least sometimes they do.
And me & him have some history that we will probably have to address at some point. I figure if they get some kind of relationship again that he & I will probably have to face that at some point. I have some things to apologise for & I hope he feels bad for some of the shit he put me through too, but that isn't something I have any control over. I will just have to apologise for my actions & not expect anything from it but relieve for myself.
And all of this has got me thinking way too much about the me from back then. Do I really have to feel bad all over again like this? And I am scared I will become that stupid little girl again if he comes back into my life. That seeing him will constantly remind me of the me that was so stupid & immature & confused & scared & because of all that, hurtful to others. I am humiliated by some of the things I did back then, when he was in my life. I am tortured by some of the stuff I did to him. But, I am not her anymore. I don't want this to change who I am now. I like who I am now. I hate that girl. That stupid, stupid girl. I am not her. But, what if she is lurking inside somewhere & he brings her back out? I am sick with worry about this. Or what if he just sees her regardless of who I really am now? It makes me sick in the stomach.
But, first I will just focus on my son & him getting back into some kind of relationship. The rest really isn't as important.
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I understand where you are coming from, since I am in a similiar boat.
Your son is old enough to know what his father is all about. He will get hurt, but you will be there and he will love you even more.
I will be thinking of you.