kozmikgirl

There is nothing quite like being alone with no one to talk to & nothing to do on a holiday. Sitting on the porch smoking too much & feeling sorry for myself. Listening to the bangs & cracks & laughing in the neighborhood. I am alone. It puts it all in perspective. I put myself in this position. I can't be in denial about it today.

I was invited to one thing. But, I would have only known one person & that kind of thing always makes me feel just as alone as I feel now (& anxious too). So I passed on it.

I could have went to the little get together my family had earlier today. But being around my relatives is almost identical to being completely invisible. So I passed on that too.

And no one really likes me anyway. Not really. They feel obligated to be nice to me because they have known me a long time & they feel sorry for me. But, I am an asshole. I say the wrong things. I do the wrong things. And worse yet I know it & I still do it. Even when I am trying. No one wants an asshole at the party.

However, I know for a fact that my son is having a great time with all his friends downtown. That makes me feel very happy.

I just can't wait until it is tomorrow & then it will be a normal day & I will get into my routine & it won't really matter as much if I am alone. This will all be over soon & then I will be ok. But, for right now, it sucks ass.