kozmikgirl

This last week I have been just laying around all day, every day. I mean really. Laying in bed for 24 hours a day. I mean, yeah, I do get up to pee & eat & check some emails & all that stupid stuff. Imagine if I didn't! But it all is with feet dragging. It is that walk, dragging walk, like what I expect I would walk like if ever I was a zombie. Although, I think even as a zombie I would try to put alittle spring in my step, you know, just to show off to the other zombies. Plus, they always seem to need someone to be a leader & I think they would know I was up for it by my signature zombie walk.

Depression is a bitch of a thing. Fuck, those drugs are so helpful at first. I mean, horomones. Yes, fuck you, horomones. I take double when I am anxious & afew days after I am cruisin' chill-style through life. Everyone always will ask "Are you high? Where can I get some of that good shit, man?!!" I love answering that question. "Straight up progesterone, dude. That is the goooood shit!" & yes, I am so very high. I mean, it feels so good to continue with the high dosages because I want to be this calm, as calm as a dead horse. I deserve it... and, I mean, dead horses can be as calm as fuck, you know? So, that is what I want so very badly & I hang onto it with all my life.

But, I know what happens next. I get depressed beyond hope. Depressed to the point that I want to kill myself but just don't have any motivation to do it, so I do nothing. I mean, killing yourself takes more effort then I really have at the moment. So, I live on!

I know once I double up for 10 days on "The Pro" as I call it, that it turns from chillin' St. Helens-style, to depression suicidaltendancies-style. I still double up & go over those 10 days because it is just so groovy, baby.

So, I have to be somewhere tonight at 8pm. I have been sitting in this chair in front of the computer & then sitting in this chair outside. & then sitting in this chair in my room. Just starring at nothing. I don't care. I am blank. I am so blank that I am full of blank. Imagine! I am in a funk & in a fog. I am tired, but not sleepy. I am sick & tired of everything. I am so very sick of my dip shit parents. I am sick of the fucking married men in this world thinking they can fuck me because I guess I am a slut or something because I guess I look like a slut. I know I am not making any sense except to all you other depressed souls out there. But I don't care. At least writing is something.

My friend has a gig at 8pm tonight, a really & truely paying gig. I need to be there. How can I drive like this? I don't know. I faked enthusiasm & charm on the phone with him. It is easy to fake that sort of thing. My mom always fakes stuff. She is a big fucking fake if I ever saw one. Her perky little ways don't fool me! But, watching her all these years taught me that it is easy to do. Just put on a smile & pump up some fake energy & Wa-La! Instant perky charm!

That part of town always overwhelms me. I just can't do it. It is too much. People everywhere. Fuck. So, I will do what I always do... I will put my pajamas back on, drive to burgerville & get mucho burgers & fries & cry about how fat I am while watching more Six Feet Under. I will daydream about how I will die, but I dont want to die. Not really. I want to find that person I can't be without. I want someone to really see me & still love me anyway. I want to find what some would call my "soul mate". I want to just lay in a bed with him (or perhaps her, how can I know?!) & feel fully relaxed just doing nothing & saying nothing & thinking things & daydreaming. Laying on each other & maybe giggling a bit. Talking. Laying. Cuddly. But, really doing nothing at all in that bed all day. It is important to me for some dumbass reason.

As you well know though, men just don't like me. Not single ones anyway. I don't have "IT" as I have mentioned before. I am becoming ok with this. It is really setting in that this is just a plain ole fact of life. I am ordinary. I am a boring piece of shit you might think. I don't really care what anyone thinks because I know different. I rock. I mean, jesus... I would shag me. I would exclusively date me too. I rock. But you won't see that because you are a fucking asshole.

But, most importantly, I want to see my son grow up & all that fancy shmacy bullshit. He is really entertaining too. I am sure his whole life will be very interesting & I will be proud up & down my spine all the fucking time when it comes to him.

My son's father. I haven't seen or heard from him in years. He lives a short walk from me too. I haven't seen his sister, Kristie, in about 7 years. She lives in Longview. I didn't know who the hell she was at first & when I saw her face at my front door I thought "Oh no myspace stalker!" But, it was just Kristie. It made me feel like the girl from 7 years ago. I was stupid & doped up on the bad shit (paxil) & I wasn't really "living". I was dragging through like I have been this last week & today. How funny she stopped by at this very moment in time! I don't particularly like that girl from 7 years ago. Me, that is. She is still there under all the "betterment". She came out like nothing ever changed when I saw Kristie at my door. 28 again & stupid. I was not authentic & I was overly pleasing to other people. I was in a kind of denial, although not as bad as my mom. I did more for others & forgot about myself. Ok, so let's jus say it, I was a doormate. Fucking girl. I hate that girl. But, I love Kristie & I was glad to see her.

So, I am going to go cry now. In peace. I will feel my guilt alone & I deserve to feel it. You don't know. I do. I have a lot to be upset about & even if I don't I will make something seem worse then it actually is so that I can cry real good & get it over with. Burgers & fries & SFU & some crying at inappropriate times. That is what I call a fun & festive Friday night!